For some backstory leading into this, my ex and I started dating back in 2019 as HS sweethearts. We got engaged a couple years later, then married a year after that (2022), when we were 21/20. Ever since we started dating, I would hang out with her little brother (he’s 4 years younger than me, we’ll call him “BIL”), support him at his football games, and hang out one on one. He was one of my groomsmen at the wedding and went to the bachelor’s party, aka big camping trip, and he truly was/is just one of the boys.
Last year, in June 2025, despite me thinking our marriage was doing great, my ex confessed that she had been dissatisfied the entire time, and rushed into it too young. She reiterated that I didn’t do anything wrong, that I’d been a great husband, we just were too incompatible. So, despite my best efforts to talk to her and see therapists that could maybe help, we got divorced at the beginning of this year (2026). All our family and friends were shocked by this decision. Her family was really supportive of me and checked in on me.
Before she confessed all that to me, back in the beginning of 2025, BIL and his fiancee ("Fia") told me and my ex that she would be a bridesmaid and I a groomsman for their wedding that is happening in Oct 2026. After she and I separated, I kind of just continued on with the assumption that we were both still in the wedding party.
Plot twist, Fia decided she doesn’t want my ex to be in the wedding party, because 1. They want to keep it to 4, so Fia chose her 2 sisters and 2 best friends, 2. Fia and my ex were never really super close to begin with and 3. Fia and my ex already had some bad blood due to a she said/she said situation back around April of 2025, then the separation happened and Fia was really upset at my ex for that as well, since me and Fia have a good relationship.
Meanwhile, yes, I am still a groomsman. In fact, BIL has been more consistent about calling and checking in on me than most. We talk for like an hour or two once every couple weeks, and still maintain the great relationship we had beforehand. So yes, for his four he chose his older brother, his two childhood best friends, and me, who he’s known since 2019. He hasn’t known anyone else in his life that long. The next up on the roster is his roommate, who he’s known for about a year, and has a "worsening" relationship with.
When this got around to my ex, she understandably got upset. She sees it as a slight towards her and a declaration of whose side they’re on to the whole family. So my ex’s dad (who I hear misses me a lot but we keep distant) reached out and politely asked me to drop out as a groomsman. They also talked to BIL, and he called me to talk it all over. He doesn’t want to kick me out as a groomsman at all, he genuinely doesn’t want anyone else in that spot. But he also understands the politics of it all.
AITA for not voluntarily dropping out? Idk if this is cheating, but WheBTA for keeping me in? Thanks 🙂
I think it would be respectul to your ex-FIL if you and your BIL all got together and discussed your various view points, worries, and how best to handle it. Invite them both to yours for a BBQ, or to fish, or whatever guys do.
NTA. Divorce sucks and it’s annoying when people expect you to just drop everything and distance yourself from friends and family because of it. BIL and you are close. Ex and Fia aren’t. She needs to suck it up and accept it. You and BIL will probably remain close, it sounds like. I hope it all works well for you and for BIL/Fia.
exactly divorce doesn’t erase friendships he clearly matters more to bil than old drama
I’m gonna say NTA and idk if it will be a hot take or not – you were asked by the groom to be a groomsman. Dropping out would just be to make everyone else happy, but I don’t think it would be what the groom wants. If the groom made that choice, I think it would be a different story, but it’s his wedding at the end of the day, and it sucks that this is becoming about your ex and taking sides. Your relationship with him is your relationship, and people shouldn’t get to dictate that or put him in a position to choose someone else over you.
YWNBTA for staying in or dropping out of the wedding party. Both are valid paths that have pros and cons. The bride and groom have both said that they would like you to stay in the wedding party. Your ex does not get to decide who her brother chooses. It also sounds like you care for the family. Remaining in the wedding could result in your ex starting drama leading up to, and during the wedding. This would not be your fault, but is something to consider. My suggestion is to sit down with the bride and groom face to face. Have an open conversation about the possibilities. Let them make the final decision. It’s their wedding. Make it clear that if they choose to not have you as a groomsman you would understand / support them as a guest.
You wouldn’t be TA.
Ex is out of your life and now out of the wedding party.
That doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship to BIL. You are friends, which is why he chose you for this special position in their wedding.
He reiterated he wants you there.
Go be a groomsman and write an endearing and a little embarrassing speech that can be held while being slightly or not so slightly intoxicated 😁
NTA for both you and the BIL. Just because you and his sister aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean you all stop being close. Take his lead on whatever he wishes to do. It’s his day, not his sister’s.
NTA….BIL gets to decide who he invites to be in his wedding party. Even if you dropped out, ex would not be invited to stand up with the bride – and you would leave BIL scrambling