So I (M, 23) had a problem where a friend (M, 22) came to the door just to say hi.
IRRELEVANT CONTEXT: This person that was my best friend that I hadn’t spoken to be in 4 years after a massive fight and we started speaking 6 months ago again but we aren’t as close as we used to be which is understandable since it’s been a long time.
So my friend came over, my mother wasn’t too happy about it since the house wasn’t what she would call "clean" (My friend and I would call it clean) and she also had mentioned wanting to have dinner. In the end, she said I could bring him into the kitchen and that she’d be fine. When he arrived (EDIT: uncexpectadly because I had told him not to do so today but he did it anyway. In the end, my mother told me to bring him in so I just let him in), I decided to ask if he wanted to go upstairs to my study so that we would be out of the way of the kitchen, and where I was playing games and we were just talking about things like his new job for around 7 minutes. During this time, I got three messages:
Why up stairs NONAME? Why?
Omg, I have never been so embarrassed.
I closed the door for you to use the kitchen.
Why would you do this to me?
When he left, I went in to discuss this with my mother, she basically told me I looked weird and made us both look weird by proposing that "a lad of my age" goes upstairs to my study where my PC and shit is, and that he must have felt uncomfortable. She claims I didn’t listen to her when she told me that the door was closed and that he could go into the kitchen but instead I went upstairs.
I genuinely just didn’t want to deny her access to a meal, we thought he’d be staying longer.
And I never thought that it would be considered "weird" or "uncomfortable" to bring a friend that I know into my study just to talk and where my PC was with all my games and things I work on. And I promise this, he wasn’t uncomfortable, I would know.
Did I honeslty do anything wrong or is this just in her own head? Please let me know.
So you brought someone into your mother’s house with no notice/without asking beforehand? YTA.
I never mentioned that I didn’t actually want him to come over, I had told him via text that today isn’t a good day but he came over regardless. My mother was more than accomodating seconds before I got the door but the problem arose because I brought him upstairs to my study. That part is the main focus of this, not the door part.
I’m not sure if you thought you were responding to a different comment or what?
Did you mom know that your friend was potentially going to be coming by that day? If not, then YTA. Of course she was going to be courteous and let him come inside but obviously she was embarrassed by the state of the house and only wanted him in the kitchen.
She most likely was upset about you taking him upstairs because she didn’t want him seeing the rest of the house.
Regardless of her reasoning or attitude, if you’re living under someone else’s roof you don’t just have people over randomly and your friend’s need to respect that and not just pop over.
His mother’s house that he also lives in and, according to a previous comment, contributes to financially?
I’m putting my thoughts in my own comment but, sheesh. He’s not a child.
No but I’ve lived with my parents as an adult and I didn’t just bring people over without a heads up and people certainly did not just pop over.
I didn’t see the comment about financially contributing but even then when I had roommates we let the other person know in advance if we had someone coming over. Nobody ever randomly just showed up at our door, if they did, they didn’t come inside.
You’re absolutely right about the respect thing and I do think that my friend who had no mal intent whatsover didn’t really fully understand. One might say it’s common sense but still, he wasn’t intending on being “invasive” in spite of being invasive if that makes sense. It’s what happens when you know someone for a particular period of time.
INFO: Are you paying rent and/or supporting the household financially?
Yes, without me, the house is gone.
Edit: please check the edit in the body above for more context.
NTA.
OP you are not a child. If you’re contributing to the household you should be respectful of your mother’s wellbeing and preference but you should be allowed people over just as much as she is. I note that you say something like “there would be no house without me”, which indicates that you are contributing substantially. At this point, if this is true, your mother is your housemate, not your landlord.
The dynamics are different, of course, but she can’t tell you how to behave and what to do in your own home.
You took your friend up to his room so they were out of your mother’s way, you thought you were doing the right thing and being considerate. Your mother is being overly concerned about the appearance of her house and then trying to make you feel bad for “taking a friend to your room” like that’s something that people of your age don’t do, particularly in sharehouse situations. That’s ridiculous of her.
Honestly, your friend is an AH for showing up, even though you told him not to. But your mother not wanting him to come just because she thought the house wasn’t clean enough, in her eyes, is not a good enough reason for you not to have your friend over.
I would’ve said “NAH” if your mother didn’t react the way she did.
Maybe you need to have a conversation with your mother about the dynamics of the household and set some rules you both agree to regarding guests.
This entire opinion is based on you saying you contribute, by the way. If you’re not paying any rent, or you’re paying much lower than market rent, or you’re not contributing to the chores, then my option would change.
Thanks, my friend isn’t an AH but he was just being goofy because we have that kind of relationship. The biggest issue is what she said though about it being “weird”.
It sounds to me as though your mom might be afraid that you could be gay (or at least bisexual) and is uncomfortable with that idea. She thinks it’s “weird” that you invited a male friend into your private space, where she couldn’t monitor your behavior or overhear your conversation. I think it’s weird that she is concerned about why you might want to take a male friend out of her sight and hearing.
*Edited because I accidentally hit “Post” before I finished typing.
NTA