Throw away account as friends know main one – Over NYE I took a trip with work friends, my partner & BFF. It seemed like a great idea, but got weird. One night we all got high together. The last time we were all high was a month prior. Initially when my partner joined us & saw me, i got embarrassed as Id been trying to cut back on drugs. Eventually i realised she didnt care and she even had some weed & relaxed with all of us. But one friend, lets say ‘Sam’ saw my initial reaction & kept whispering weird things like “you need to break up”, “you need to go to couples counselling”. I ignored it & moved on – assuming Sam had misunderstood and if she wanted to clarify, she would bring it up. She didn’t.
Eventually I noticed that other people in the group started to say weird comments or elude to break ups. I guessed Sam was talking w them. Again, I ignore it figuring someone will smell bullshit & ask me directly. I have no intention of leaving my partner. In fact we’ve been talking for years about starting a family & have started IVF to do so. Weve been together for 8 years & I feel my safest when I am with her. From the groups view, they may not know this. Anyway on NYE Sam started saying similar things. Only this time it was much worse, actively mocking us for looking into each others eyes etc & making comments about me only being into dick (I am bi for context so this didnt make sense). She got everyone else involved too. I got pissed and went for a walk w partner & BFF. She even mocked us as we left.
I explained to BFF & partner and they were sad for me which was a shock. Some part of me was scared Sam saw something that I didnt but my partner & BFF were genuinely so unbothered, more concerned that my friends were being weird. My BFF encouraged me to just ignore Sam. He says that when people get high they are little kids again, and I have no idea what insecurities were bubbling to the surface. But this time I cant. I start to remember how uncaring the group was when my partner and I failed our first IVF. Later, another friend from the group who wasn’t at NYE confirmed that the rest of the group had been saying shit behind my back; teasing us about wanting kids and implying me and my partner were on the outs etc. It suddenly clicked & I remembered conversations with friends & even colleagues who seemed to be implying the same things.
One night I decided to purposefully pick a fight in the group chat about a TV show I knew they all like. I was being purposefully bitchy & they reacted predictably, making comments about me being ‘heterosexual’ because I didn’t like the show. I lost it. I said nasty shit back, saying how tiring it was that there is only one way to be queer for them. It was too harsh but I was so sick of them teasing me. It wasn’t the right move & I apologised to the person I blew up at. But I feel like it changed the nature of the group chat and now everyone is on edge. I feel awful but also a little justified. What do you think?
NTA for being hurt, they’re TAs for gossiping, but YTA for blowing up in a passive-aggressive way that had nothing to do with the issue.
Yeah this pretty much sums it up. It was a dick move to be passive aggressive. I feel like it has gone on for so long and so much behind my back that I dont know how to even start addressing it directly. But yes passive aggressive is the right label for it and I hate that I let in to the anger 😠
So, the Emperor is over in the corner going “Good! Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you!”
NTA but just stop talking and hanging out with them since they don’t care about your feelings or what you’re going through personally.
I think they care about other things, but seem emotionally immature about children/families/relationships in particular. My partner is convinced that they will only ever be ‘party friends’. Im not 100% sure as they have shown up for me in other ways, like when I move house or need emotional comfort with anything else
Okay but that’s still not a reason to talk about a relationship they know nothing about.
NTA for having enough of being teased.
The first time Sam made comments, you ignored it.
The second time, you walked away.
Then when you heard about background comments, you picked a fight, tried to test them, and everyone failed, including you.
Why didn’t you just talk to your friends? Why not just say that everything is good? Why couldn’t you just be an adult and use your words??????
ESH. Mainly Sam but also you
Your ‘friends’ are biphobic. Unless you’re dating someone of the same sex as you, you’re clearly too hetero for them. Your way of ‘testing’ them was not great but their previous actions were even less okay, so still NTA in my book.
NTA for the most part. `Sam’ and the others are definitely TAs 1) for just saying out of pocket shit and 2) saying it behind your back. As KallMeKris would say though, you are the “soft asshole” due to the fact you purposefully picked a fight and did so by using something unrelated as fuel. It would have been best to fist talk to them about and just be like “hey wth is going on? Why do you have an issue with everything and why are you being two faced when doing so?” And if they would have said something rude or out of pocket or just continue to do so then blow up and drop them. It’s not like they are your BFF anyways or at least from what I’m reading they aren’t
Protect your peace and your dignity- blowing up is never the way to go