My wife and I moved to the US (SF) from India back in 2022. I was making about $8k a month after taxes, apart from stocks. While my annual salary sounds massive when converted to Indian Rupees, my family doesn’t seem to realize that I am not spending in Rupees. Between SF rent, general expenses, and a loan I was still paying off in 2022, we were barely saving $1,000 to $2,000 a month.
Within three months of moving, my parents asked me to buy my brother a $1,000 laptop, which I did. I also bought my dad a $2,200 laptop. He didn’t necessarily need it, but I remembered how he bought me an expensive laptop when I joined engineering, so I wanted to do something similar for him. I have also spent on other things, sending money home almost every other month: $300 here and $600 there. I even sent my parents on an expensive weekend getaway to a 5 star resort. Mind you, I have only stayed in budget hotels myself even to this date.
My mom expressed the desire to have a German wardrobe in the living room and I said she could go and ask around how much it would cost. I assumed it would be around $1,500. She comes back and says she went to a store and made a deposit for one that would cost almost $4,000. I was taken aback and I asked her why she had to make a deposit without once consulting me. I told her I could not spare that kind of money because we had been in the US for less than a year by then and did not have enough savings.
We did pay for many other things after this instance. For example, my mom needed surgery and they did not want to go to any of the hospitals where their insurance would pay. So I paid for the whole thing, including the stay and food at a 3 star business hotel for two weeks. I did have it in my mind to one day pay them for the wardrobe. It is just that things happened: my wife had to move to a different city for her MBA which increased our expenses, and then I lost my job in the middle of 2024. So I have not been able to pay back.
Now I should mention that I have not been the best of sons. For the first five years of my job, I hardly sent any money home. I had to pay off a student loan that took anywhere from 30% to 50% of my salary. Plus, I was profligate and undisciplined with money and ended up incurring massive credit card debt. But I cleaned up my act, paid off everything, and even started saving. Before moving to the US, I did buy my parents a few expensive appliances and other things. But for the most part, I was not of much help. My parents also paid for my wedding, money that I am yet to pay back.
Anyway, the other day my mother brought up the issue of the wardrobe and how I only make promises but never fulfill them. I lost it. I screamed at her and told her how she is constantly counting what we have spent on ourselves and not on her. It was not pretty.
**Am I the asshole for not paying for that German wardrobe back then?** **Am I the asshole for screaming at my mother?**
YTA to your wife. You aren’t required to send any money to your parents. They chose to have you and took on the expense of raising a child. Children don’t owe their parents for doing what they are required to do. Stop being an AH to your wife.
actually we send (or used to until i lost my job) $800 per month to her family after her dad retired. why? because her dad doesn’t get a pension. Thats another story altogether.
it’s a cultural thing – many Asian and SE Asian countries, when children are grown it’s their turn to take care of their parents
Filial piety is a big part of Asian culture. Saying children don’t owe their parents anything doesn’t help in this situation.
It does though, because it helps highlight that you don’t, in fact, owe them anything.
Don’t give statements about cultures that you don’t understand; it’s 2026, it should be common sense at this point.
Pretty sure they understand it just fine, they’re just pointing out that adhering to a cultural norm is entirely optional.
Except people who grow up in this culture have massive safety nets that other people may not understand. Parents will sell their houses, jewellery, for their adults kids weddings, educations, house, rent etc to give them a head start with an expectation that they’d be taken care of. OP is not against their cultural norms based on their comments but more worried about seeking boundaries which can be reasonable such as providing assistance for parents for healthcare expenses rather than luxury.
I’m from a culture like this and guess what, it’s literally just made up. You don’t have to be beholden to your parents forever. It’s your choice to follow these cultural norms or to be free of them.
NTA for the wardrobe- You aren’t required to send money home to your parents. It doesn’t make you a bad son because you didn’t. Your parents are taking advantage of you and at some point you need to put your foot down and stop paying for so much for them. I know it’s a cultural thing but you don’t owe them for what they were required to provide you in your childhood.
YTA to your wife, does she realize how much you are sending to your parents? Also yelling at your mother, isn’t necessary, next time just hang up
NTA. I am glad I am not of a culture who believes children have to stay poor so that parents read the rewards of their work. Children owe parents NOTHING. They are not investment portfolios.
My kids both have out earned me. I am now retired. Guess what I ask of them? NOTHING
Stop sending money.
NTA
That being said. You are paying for luxuries for relatives instead of investing in your future. You need to put money aside for your retirement, a savings account at least. You are destroying your future for other people’s frivolity.
You need therapy to figure out why you feel obligated to fund other’s vacations while you are barely paying your bills here. Start with working out why you paid for surgery and a 2 week stay in a luxury resort because they didn’t want to go to the free hospital.
You are letting them walk all over you. Grow a spine and learn how not to be a people pleasing doormat.
NTA. Your mom is India. Stop sharing information with her about your salary and spending.
as a desi person— nta. theyre taking advantage of you and are guilt tripping you due to our culture. basic expenses i understand, but anything past that is taking advantage and not understanding your situation. people back home always think those who settle and live in america are rich when we live worse off than them