All the pilled up snow in NYC creates these one to two foot wide pathways at every street corner. Some have these huge puddles you have to step over. It’s a pretty bad choke point cause only one direction can go at a time (think one way bridge type of situation). I (23M) was waiting my turn to go across a fairly wide puddle today when a woman (probably late 30’s) coming from the other direction stopped on the other side of the puddle and put her hand out towards me. Palm upward.
I stared forward unaware of what she was doing. I didn’t say anything. We stared at each other for about five seconds before she stepped over the puddle, then proceeded to stop in front of me and taunted me for not helping her. The details of what she said escape me, but it was along the lines of implying her hand out obviously meant to help her cross. She tapped my shoulder and we both uncomfortably laughed. I walked away and she was still saying something about it to me as I did.
No more than a minute after the interaction, I was pretty confident I couldn’t have been in the wrong. Here’s my thoughts:
\- She couldn’t have been more than 40. If she was an elderly woman, I’m almost positive my internal judgement would have kicked in to recognize the situation.
\- She reached out palm upward?? Am I wrong to assume that palm down is a "reach for someone to grab my hand" and palm up is different?
\- She could have *used her words* and just said she wanted help?
Lastly, this is NY. And the particular block we were on has a lot of characters. I wasn’t really in any sort of interact with a stranger mood. I feel like we all would go out of our way to help someone who’s fallen, but help you step over.. a puddle?
nah, you’re not the asshole. it’s 2023, not 1923. people can hop puddles without needing a knight in shining armor. and yeah, palm upward is weird, like you’re asking for a tip or something.
I think you lost a few years there, friend
NTA
As you said, she could have asked for help
she’s seems entitled, maybe in the 1800s it would have been a different story.
NTA- she absolutely could’ve used her big girl words. And palm down is definitely more of a reach. Palm up feels like she’s waiting for you to hand her something.
Chivalry isn’t dead- but for a few decades now, women have insisted they don’t need men, they don’t need the door held open for them, etc. It’s completely reasonable for most men these days to assume a grown, not elderly woman can step over a puddle herself.
NTA
“She could have *used her words* … “
Exactly. This is the entire argument.
Assuming this isn’t misogynist rage bait, I’ll answer.
NTA
I hard disagree with those saying helping someone cross a puddle is antiquated. Fuck that. I’d help John Cena cross a puddle if I thought he needed it. Helping someone should never go out of style.
That said, it doesn’t sound like she communicated her want for help very well. Palm up to me would indicate an offer to help, not an ask for help. If she spoke the same language as you, and it sounds like from your story she did, she could have just said “Hey, can you give me a hand over this puddle?”
NAH. Social convention dictates you aid another PERSON in certain situations, male or female, regardless of age. This was a very specific situation that without being there none of us can really judge one way or the other. She also didn’t seem super offended by it. Just kind of laughed it off. Was it possible she was also trying to flirt with you a bit? I think you’re reading way too much into this to be honest.
Nta, 50/50 chance she would have screamed had you touched her. If she wanted help she should have asked
I pretty often find myself in situations where someone was non-verbally asking me for something or there was a polite thing to do but it took me until after the interaction to figure it out. If she needed help, she should have said so, and I’m sure you would have.
IMO, being the AH requires AH intent. You are NTA here.
NTA, as an old southern woman, I would NEVER, and where I’m from we interact with each other in public even if we don’t know each other.
She’s fully the problem. First, for not asking verbally, and second for being angry that you declined. Go in peace, OP, and continue to ignore weird passive-aggressive behavior from middle aged women. We deserve it 😂
NTA- I’ll help anyone who actively asks, and given I’m a tall guy thats usually just in shops.
That being said a vague gesture wouldn’t be enough to kick in my help instincts. Not to mention the potential of misreading that situation only going badly for me as a guy it would not occur to me to assume that help was needed.
This is weird, OP. The correct judgement here is NTA. No stranger gets to place that expectation on you. You could have offered, but she can’t demand it. That’s the end, or it should be.
I wish you hadn’t tried to justify yourself though, because your justifications are terrible. Her age shouldn’t be a factor in whether you’re willing to help this stranger or not, even if we agree that age plays a role in whether she NEEDS the assistance or not.
Hand position is an even worse place to get hung up. Are you honestly saying you would have been open to helping her with a different hand position? That’s remarkably weird. I am completely unaware of any kind of agreed upon positional body language in asking for assistance.
Using her words is definitely the one I agree with. Attempting to get someone to do what you with a gesture and impatience is incredibly entitlement, to a degree that it would sway me against someone I would have probably helped if the entitlement hadn’t been present.
It’s strange that you say that a NY street full of characters inspires LESS benevolence in your actions and make you less likely to help someone. Personally, I’ve always felt more like helping people when I’m surrounded by the lively characters of a city, rather than the drones of financial districts.
NTA. She wasn’t shy about letting you know she wanted help after it was too late. Why didn’t she say something earlier?