Myself \[29f\] and husband \[26m\] expecting our first child September. His brother and fiancé are set to be married in November.s some backstory we had a miscarriage a year ago. Brother called and his fiancés cousin called off her July wedding so now they are moving their wedding up to July. I casually said I don’t know if I can travel my pregnancy is high risk and we just lost one. I just had emergency surgery while pregnant to drain a cyst. The fiancé started crying to everyone how I was going to stop my husband from coming and literally the whole family jumped on me. Weeks of phone calls and talks about me being selfish and preventing my husband from being at his brothers wedding. Like I’m in the middle of getting my masters degree and missed a class on the phone with his dad for an hour. Then his brother called and said “we can’t all always have our way, because we’re not all spoiled rich kids” My husband has not stuck up for me and is like telling me to calm down. And I really think it’s a mommas boy type thing. He is a deep people pleaser, I guess for everyone but me. It’s been a huge stress on my pregnancy which is already high risk.
Question; Are you planning to ask your husband not to go to his brothers wedding?
How far would be the travel be?
Oh honey. You are NTA
An invitation is NOT a summons and his family sounds like a nightmare from their reaction.
You do not have to go especially if you are not supposed to travel. Your husband can go without you as it is an event for his family.
I wish you all the best in your pregnancy journey.
It really depends on when exactly the wedding and the due date are and how far away the wedding is. If the wedding is early July and due date is late September and the wedding is only a couple hours away, maybe husband can go. But a late July wedding and early September due date? Or the wedding would require flights? For a high risk pregnancy he really shouldn’t be that inaccessible that close.
Not enough info. How far away is the wedding? Is there a reason your husband can’t go to the wedding? Did you say your husband can’t go? Or are they assuming?
Obviously, if it’s not recommended for you to travel, don’t travel. Next time you are confronted on the phone and have to go to class tell them you can’t talk now…let’s do this tomorrow.
It’s about 12 hours away. I never said he couldn’t go. I really never said I wasn’t going just it would be up to the doctors
In that case NTA. Giving the heads up you may not be able to go was totally appropriate.
First of all, congratulations on the new pregnancy. Second, stop taking calls when you are getting ready for classes and doing homework . Third, talk to your husband about how this whining bride is causing stress.
NTA, but you’ve made mistakes in handling this. That implication (which doesn’t sound like it was ever explicit on your end, correct me if I am wrong) that he could not attend is an assumption on their part. His family is never going to be accepting of him not attending, and from the sounds of it, neither is he, and I think that was predictable, and should have been a given. “I’m not going, but I will send my love with Hubby.”
As long as that’s what happened, you’re completely clear here. You never said he can’t go, right? That’s going to be key. Comfort levels around his going, what you both need out of this situation… these are absolutely valid discussion points for you two as a couple. It does have to be discussion though, as any moment where you decide something for someone else without respecting their agency if A-holery.
If you gave a very firm No, unilaterally, you bring the meter back towards you being the A-hole. Emergent medical concerns might require his continued attendance on you, but otherwise, there is no reason for him not attend this wedding for a couple of days. Familial obligations and expectations are a real thing, but again… unless you’re facing actual impending medical issues, risks-of is something that gets discussed.
His family, fiancée especially, are way out of line for what seems like a (incorrect, right?) presumption on their part, but the answer here is and always was “Hubby is going to represent us so long as nothing comes up that needs him at home.”
I understand the tension you’re feeling. Your husband should be supporting you more during this tough time. It sounds like he’s caught between his family and you, but he should recognize that your health and pregnancy come first. It’s okay to put your needs ahead of the wedding plans right now.
Your husband is an asshole stop giving him excuses for not supporting his wife and unborn baby.
NTA. You only said you didn’t know if you would be able to go and never said he couldn’t. Your much bigger problem is your husband. Does he always just roll over for his family like that? What is going to happen if there is a conflict about the baby? Will he support you then or not? This is something you need to be thinking about and discussing with him. If he isn’t going to support you in standing up to his family, you need to consider how you want to handle it.
Since your husband is a people pleaser, why isn’t he pleasing you? Are you not people to him?
I’m so very sorry for your loss!💜