So I (21F) am currently in college. My school is mostly science focused but i’m in the social sciences so my program is small. Because of that, there’s only around 20 people I regularly have classes with and we all are at least familiar with each other.
One of these people is K (21M). Now this started because I’d met him briefly at an event in the Fall so when I found out I had a class with him I sat by him without thinking much about it. All I knew was he was big on talking frequently in class but he seemed pretty normal. We ended up exchanging numbers explicitly for a class assignment, reviewing each others midterm papers. Now the problems started when he began texting me about more casual things. At first I didn’t totally care but he kept going and started to message me at odd hours (11pm, 1am, etc.). He also started waiting for me after class and following me where I was going, usually my next class.
I ended up telling one of my guy friends who also knew of K that it was making me uncomfortable. This friend, L (22M) said that I was overreacting and K was just “socially awkward”. I was a little upset at that but brushed it off because I thought he might’ve been right. After a few weeks of the texting (never anything explicitly bad besides the odd hours and frequency) I’d stopped responding to him. After I did that he came up to me in our schools dining hall asking me why I wasn’t texting him back which was my final straw. I ended up being very upfront and texting him saying I wasn’t comfortable with him messaging me or being around me anymore and told him we weren’t friends. After that he moved seats in our class and wouldn’t even look at me, so I did feel a little bad. Telling L and a few other friends later they said I wasn’t comfortable too harsh for what I said to him and that I could’ve tried to explain to him how I felt instead of calling him out and cutting him off. I do feel kind of bad since K didn’t exactly do anything wrong, so am i the asshole?
TLDR: A guy in my class made me uncomfortable but I may have reacted too harshly.
Are the friends who said you were too harsh male? I think most women would say that if you feel creeped out, you should act on that feeling. There’s a book about it, The Gift of Fear, you can even read it free online.
Yea the friend that said that was a guy, that’s why I was wondering if I was in the wrong since maybe as a guy he didn’t mean to be as weird as I interpreted it.
> INFO:
Hi OP –
You wrote that:
*”He also started waiting for me after class and following me where I was going, usually my next class.”*
1. Did he have the same class as you, or a class in the same building?
2. Did he ever try to engage while walking behind you, say hello or anything like that?
3. What made you think he was actively following you, rather than just walking in the same direction?
I think you have every right to feel however you feel but if you didn’t even give him a chance to let off the gas. Did you tell him you weren’t comfortable with his texts? Did you tell him you would rather walk from class by yourself? I am a woman and while I think you should always trust your gut, I don’t think you needed to go from silent to freak out in public mode. There are stages of alarm that escalate over time. For the record one of my closest friends is autistic and she would have done all these things without realizing it bothered someone. She’s academically smart but struggles socially and definitely weirds people out sometimes. So you never know what challenges people have in life or where they are coming from. Next time use your words.
What?? NTA!! If you’re uncomfortable you’re uncomfortable. You don’t have to talk to someone if you don’t want to.. and you’re allowed to change ur mind!
The texting at the odd hours and showing up to ur classes and stuff was just weird to me, it would make me uncomfortable too!!
Exactly, always follow your gut feeling because women have died for less.
NAH.
You felt uncomfortable around him.
The people (all male?) whose advice you sought, were not helpful, and so you continued to feel uncomfortable.
You stopped replying to his texts.
He did not get the hint.
You told him directly that you weren’t friends, and asked him to stop texting you.
He got the message. He no longer considers you to be friends, and no longer texts you. Well done him.
That was the result you wanted. Well done you.
Sorted.
EDIT: She did text him, didn’t say it in public. My mistake. Gods my reading comp is poor lately…
~~Sure, you could have texted him to tell him this, rather than blurt it out in public, but would that have had the same immediate effect?~~
Maybe, maybe not.
It is good that you have learned what to do – directly tell the person who is making you uncomfortable to go away – and what not to do – rely on other people’s advice.
Now you *could* consider *maybe* tweaking your tone, but the world is filled with women who are being told to “*just be nice, there’s no need to be rude to*” men who **will not** leave them alone who then had to deal with a strange male’s rage, stalking, and threatening behaviour.
Being nice doesn’t work.
. . .
Edited for clarity; typo; details; punctuation.
I feel like you went 0-60… how are they supposed to know they make you uncomfortable unless you tell them? You kept it to yourself until you lost it at him and he probably didn’t even know he was doing anything wrong.
I’m not saying you should put up with uncomfortable behaviour but you should bring it up sooner instead of just building it up and letting someone think everything is fine.
No one is the asshole but, please think of this for the future.
Yeah, YTA. 😬
You said he did nothing wrong, technically. A softer boundary could’ve been placed about the hours or the casual nature. You didn’t give him a chance to change his behaviour.
The fact that he’s completely avoiding you now shows he wasn’t trying to be weird.
He wanted to be your friend. You treated him in a mean way.
The fact that he’s a male doesn’t give anyone the right to be nasty. Women like to tell themselves that being rude is justified because of this prejudice that men dont take no for an answer.
So, instead of treating them like people who try to be friends sometimes- they end up getting treated like they’re creeps or perverts.
THIS
Nobody else’s seems to get his. She sat next to him. They seemed to be becoming friends – they were hanging out in class and talking and checking each others work. Dude kept trying to be friends and OP was all “omg why r u following me WE ARE NOT FRIENDS”
Ok well then don’t lead the poor guy on thinking you are.
And is she surprised he’s acting like you’re not friends now? Like what did OP think was gonna happen after she told this guy they’re not friends? Why would he sit next to her after that?
NTA
It’s not your responsibility to handle this bozo’s feelings. Always trust your gut. Your other friends can go run and comfort him since the girl was so mean… god I don’t know why it’s always up to women to adjust and cater to crappy guys.
At any point did you express that you were uncomfortable with his behavior? It seems like you let it build up without saying anything until you snapped at him. NTA either way but next time maybe say “hey please don’t follow me” or “please don’t text me after y time” earlier
NTA I think you knew in your gut that something was off. Sure you probably could’ve handled it better by telling him you only exchanged numbers for school work, not late night messaging or to hang out outside of class, but ultimately it sounds like you got the results you wanted and better to make it clear than leave room for ambiguity.
NAH
None of his behavior seems weird or creepy. It is normal and expected behavior for a person trying to make a new friend or pursue a crush. When the other person is interested these actions would likely be considered sweet and cute. When they aren’t, it’s often considered creepy. Unfortunately the man doing this doesn’t know whether you think he’s sweet or creepy unless you tell them. You tried to give a hint that you weren’t interested by disengaging. He did not take the hint. So you were direct with him. Now he’s leaving you alone. Communication works.