So earlier today a friend of mine (23NB), "Miriam" (22F), posted a photo of her new haircut in the groupchat with our friend group with the caption "hi everyone i got a new haircut what do y’all think? give me your honest opinions".
Personally, the haircut looked uneven and the layers were choppy and I didn’t think it suited her. I didn’t want to tell her this because she seemed excited to share her new haircut but I didn’t want to lie either, so I ignored the message. Everyone else gave her compliments about how good it looked.
An hour or two later, I sent a message in the groupchat that had nothing to do with her hair (I sent something about a film festival coming up and asked if they wanted to go). Miriam replied to me with "what do you think of my hair? you didn’t respond".
I didn’t know what to say being put on the spot like that so I decided to just say "Personally, it’s not my cup of tea, but you seem to like it so I’m happy for you!". I expected that to be the end of the conversation. She replied "what? really? what don’t you like about it?". I said "I mean all that matters is that you like it, my opinion is irrelevant" and she said "nono please I wanna hear it I wanna know what doesn’t look right".
It seemed like she genuinely wanted feedback so I told her that from my perspective it looked a bit uneven in some places and the layers were a bit choppy, but again, just my personal opinion. She didn’t say anything else.
Half an hour later, her girlfriend "Sarah" (22F) messaged me in private saying that Miriam is now crying and hates her new hair and it’s all my fault because I pointed out everything I didn’t like about it. She told me that I should have "just lied like everyone else" instead of making Miriam cry.
I told Sarah that I feel genuinely sorry that Miriam’s crying and that I didn’t want to hurt her in any way. Sarah said that now Miriam needs to go to a hairstylist again to fix her hair and it’s all my fault. I said that I’m sorry to hear that and that she should think about it because she seemed to love it at first, but if she decides to get another haircut I can recommend her a good hairstylist.
Sarah replied "Recommend her a good hairstylist? That’s all? How about paying for the new haircut? That’s the least you can do". I told her that’s a bit ridiculous. She said that I have a job and Miriam doesn’t so it should be obvious that I would be paying.
I genuinely feel sorry for Miriam and I’m sorry that my comment made her cry but paying for a new haircut seems too much. At the same time, I could’ve lied to keep the peace like Sarah said and even though I hate lying, it wouldn’t be that important of a lie. So AITA for telling Miriam her hair is choppy and uneven?
NTA. Miriam pushed you to the point that you had to say something. Some of us can’t lie about things like that. One of my gfs had her hair cut in a ridiculous way that didn’t suit her AT ALL. It truly looked terrible, and I felt bad for her. I didn’t tell her I didn’t like it, I just said, “I’m so happy that you’re happy with it!” It was never mentioned again.
Also, forget paying for a new haircut. Whoever suggested that should pay for it themselves. It’s not your fault Miriam ended up with a crappy haircut.
NTA, generally the rule should be “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to”. You tried to keep the peace but were pushed to say what you actually think. Then you were still very sweet about it. Please don’t pay for a new haircut.
NTA.
And you might, once she isn’t so sad, let her know that a true friend wouldn’t let her walk around with a bad hair cut.
I mean, you did your best to side-step it, but she clearly knew what was up.
NTA. Though I would have originally responded with soemthing that wasn’t a lie, but wasn’t a brutal truth either, like “OMG new cuts are so exciting” or “Did you get anything new to wear when you show it off?” or something equally banal. You’ve engaged, but sidestepped the question.
At the end of the day though, she pressed you for an answer.
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NTA. You were put in an impossible position. You didn’t say anything hurtful or personal. It’s not your fault that she cried, and it’s certainly not your responsibility to pay for a new haircut.
ESH. I don’t think you giving that feedback to Miriam was a bad thing, because we rely on our friends to be honest a lot of the time. However, sending a ‘lie’ in the group chat and then texting your honest opinion on the side probably would have been better. She might be feeling a little embarrassed that everyone saw that feedback and is now thinking everyone hates her haircut.
With that said, it’s ridiculous to think that you should pay for her to get another cut! You gave an opinion. An opinion does not then make you financially responsible for someone else’s reaction to that opinion. You were trying to be honest to help a friend, and they can do with that what they will, but it’s not your responsibility to pay for anything for them.
NTA
In future, a good rule of thumb i go with is to never say anything negative about a person’s appearance if they cannot change it in 5 minutes (ie, they need to fix smudged makeup or they have spinach in their teeth). If someone has an ugly haircut, you lie through your teeth and say it suits them.
But in this case, Miriam called on you specifically and asked for feedback on her hair even when you tried to say your opinion doesn’t matter. That’s on her. Tbh, it sounds to me like maybe she was nervous about the haircut and already didn’t like it, or there’s something else going on that’s making her take this super personally if she’s ended up crying over it. Feels like a moment of “the Iranian yoghurt is not the issue here.”
Sarah is hilarious lmao couldn’t step in earlier? Couldn’t send you a private message “just lie” when being pressed in the group chat? NTA at all. Sounds like she f’d up her own hair, wanted someone to comment on that, and then have them pay for a professional to fix it lmao.
I would say EVERYONE IS A SOFT ASSHOLE here. Maybe this would have been a good white lie to save her feelings. However, she pushed and pushed you to give your opinion, so she should have been willing to hear the answer, whether positive of negative.
Scenario #1. She has a really low self-esteem and links her self-worth to her friend’s opinions of her.
Scenario #2. Deep down, she didn’t love her haircut either and was trying to get validation that it was edge and trendy. You confirmed what she already suspected….. it wasn’t a great haircut.
She can easily go back and have the cut altered to be more even, or make it a more conventional version of the style she wanted.
NTA. My guess is that Miriam already had doubts about the cut and you confirmed them
She shouldn’t have asked or pushed you to answer if she didn’t wnt your honest opinion. As far as paying to have it fixed? Sarah needs her head examined for even suggesting that.
NTA she asked for your personal opinion and you told her nicely and respectfully that is isn’t your cup of tea, she over reacted