I \[20M\] and my boyfriend \[also 20M\] have been together for almost 9 months. My mother \[47\] and I don’t get along very well. The other day, I was at my boyfriend’s place and found a flea in my clothes. I didn’t realize what it was until after throwing the bug in the toilet. My cats have had a problem with fleas for a while, so I was panicking thinking I’d now unintentionally brought this problem into another home.
I went to my boyfriend’s family first, telling them what happened, and that I need to call my mom to tell her more needs to be done to get rid of the problem. I’d been finding them in my room a LOT for a while, too, and I told her that I’m not going to sleep in a room that has a flea problem. The whole conversation didn’t go well, and while I was already in a panic, she turned it on me, saying I was being aggressive and attacking her, and I just shut down.
At that point she had put me on speaker with my dad and he started cussing me out for being disrespectful. Then my boyfriend came over and took the phone and calmly told them that he’s not going to let it be a problem in his house, and he’s not comfortable being in a house with that problem. My mother got very upset and briefly told him off and hung up.
Now, a few days later after letting everyone cool off, I’m at my house and my boyfriend is in class at college. My mother, being who she is, gave me a 45 minute follow up lecture. This time, I wasn’t going to let things go. I’m in a good state of mind to think logically, and not lash out.
I asked her how is that any different that she had my dad on speaker, and her excuse was that my dad doesn’t believe her when she tells him about the things I say to her. She also told me that it was rude and disrespectful that my boyfriend said something in our conversation. She demanded that I tell her when she’s on speaker with him within earshot, and said that if my boyfriend continues "disrespecting her" she’s going to kick him out of the house, and even after that, she won’t let him in at all anymore.
I put my foot down there and said I’m not going to play middle mad for her and that she needs to talk to him about this herself, and she got even more mad at me. She said that if she had an issue with her MIL, she took it to my dad, and he’d have a conversation with her about it, and vise versa. She asked me what I’d do if I had the same issue of someone constantly butting into my conversations with someone else, and I told her I’d talk to them directly. Then she got in my face and said, now raising her voice, that she’s not my peer. I know that. I wasn’t asking her to be my peer, I’m asking her to be an adult and handle this situation herself instead of asking me to relay all of her thoughts back to my boyfriend exactly.
So now, I ask reddit. AITA for putting my foot down here and saying no?
Edit because these three things has been brought up a lot: The cat’s are not *my* cats. They’re the family’s cats. I’ve been told that we have flea specific shampoo, and I’m going to be the one to give them a bath. It wasn’t made clear to me that they got drops, I was only ever told about a pill. You can’t mix flea medication within 30 days, so I still need to wait to do that. Also, the fleas are not the issue here.
I’m currently desperately searching for a job anywhere so I can save up to move out, just haven’t found a hit that isn’t seasonal yet. (Lord save the job market from the hellhole it is right now)
I’m fine relaying info for anything else after this, it’s only this one thing I’m not doing it for. I’ve told my mother before this entire interaction that she should talk to him about it and she agreed. Now she’s going back on it and demanding I do it for her just because she got into another heated conversation with me.
You have a life long relationship with your parents. You have a 9 month relationship with your boyfriend. You are the only reason they know each other at all. It makes sense for you to be involved in communication between them. Yta to yourself for not working towards your own harmony here by taking an active role in blending these relationships you have
YTA
It is your job to protect your BF from your family, especially if your family sucks. That means you absolutely should be the middle man between your BF and your mom.
For what it’s worth, you need to move out of your parent’s home. Your life will improve immensely when you do.
ESH. All of you need to exercise some maturity and stop being exhausting. The actual feline mentioned is easily the least catty thing in this story.
YTA you still live at home and you are being disrespectful to your parents and allowing a boyfriend to butt in to family matters. Your mother doesn’t need to deal with him. He is a guest in her house and you are responsible for him.
YTA. She is your mother and it is your job to manage her.
Info: if the cats are yours who is responsible for their care? And are there any cultural differences between your family and your boyfriend?
It honestly just sounds like your parents are abusive, and that you live in an an unhygienic environment, so you should move out as soon as you can
YTA. You have to handle the situation between your mom and boyfriend. Also, the fleas isn’t just your moms problem if they’re your cats.
You are the middle man. I’m sorry to tell you. You will always BE the middle man between your parents and ANYONE you date OR MARRY. That’s just how it is. Your BF should not have talked to them like that in their own house. Your DAD is YOUR dad. That’s the difference. And if you can’t figure that out you are a CHILD. Your BF is just some rando that may not even last another month. WFT should your parents put up with that.
That said: you should move out.
There are drugs that kill fleas within 24 hours that are available through the vet. Your cats can actually die if they are allowed to have ongoing flea infestations without treatment. Fleas also have no issues biting people and can be disease vectors.
Stop arguing and get the cats some relief!
YTA As many people are saying, your boyfriend of 9 months has no right to interfere or interject anything involving this disagreement. I don’t blame your mother one bit for putting her foot down. Fleas in the house is concerning, and I be upset too, but he has no right to be involved. Zero.
INFO: Is it your cat or your mother’s (great way to figure this out, would you take the cat with you if you moved out)?
If it’s your mother’s cat, ESH. What did you think was going to be accomplished going to your boyfriend’s family? Do you not have a cell phone? Could you not wait until you got home? Your parents need to take pretty care more seriously if it’s their cats… But I’m not sure what you were hoping to accomplish by making the choices you did.
If it’s your cat, YTA. You are 20. You are old enough and internet savvy enough to look up how to get rid of fleas. Flea prevention, sprays, bath stuff, and powders exist. Keeping your room clean, vacuuming daily or every other day, washing your bedding once a week / two weeks, washing cat toys and bedding, etc, are all within your wheelhouse as an adult. You need to learn responsible pet care.
You said they were “my cats”, but then called your mom and told her that SHE needed to solve the problem. You know that you are an adult – if they’re your cats, then why is it your mom’s responsibility to solve? You approached it poorly. You don’t demand another adult do something – especially when you admit you were heated, not thinking clearly and likely to lash out. You could have waited until you calmed down and spoke to your parents calmly to decide how the flea issue would be dealt with. Why would you think that you have any right to dictate what other adults in your household must do? If you’re all adults then house rules are discussed and created together – that’s the reality of living with roommates (which parents are not traditionally considered roommates but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are paying rent and contributing to the household. If you aren’t…then boy, you are living off the kindness and grace of your family and have no room to make demands).
Your parents shouldn’t have yelled back, but you all came at this way too heated and defensive. ESH but mostly you, since you started the hostile communication and seem to take zero responsibility for your pets.
YTA because yes, any time you have someone listening in on speaker phone, you should inform the people on the other side of the line. Period, no matter what, end of story. That is (or should be) basic phone manners under pretty much all normal circumstances. Here’s an example of why: my mom might not want to share a story about (insert private medical problem here) if she knows my husband is listening. She *loves* my husband, he and I have been together for ages, but still. She should be able to make an informed decision about what she’s sharing with whom.
If you think it’s no big deal that someone else is listening, then it should be equally no big deal to inform the person on the other end of the phone that they’re listening. So do it.
And yes, you are in fact the person who is your boyfriend’s connection to your family. It is your “job” to run interference between them as needed. Over a long relationship an SO and in-laws (just using as shorthand here) may develop their own relationships which is great. But prior to that point, you should assume the role of point person between them ,and you should plan to jump in if there are ever notable conflicts. That’s part of being a good partner. (Note that this also means you get to decide what you pass along between them. If your mom is demanding you tell your boyfriend stuff for her, *you don’t have to*. And vice-versa.)
Your mom might also be an asshole, so it could be ESH–it’s hard to tell if she’s truly obnoxious or you’re leaving stuff out (“the whole conversation didn’t go well” isn’t telling us much). But the above two points are easy calls for me. You’re 20 and learning, so it’s not a big deal. But please do learn those items.