I 20M and I am about to lose my mind. I have told my mom at least a dozen times to stop buying me clothes. I have a style that I like I am picky about how my clothes fit. I just do not like the clothes she picks out for me.
I have been polite to my mom. I have said to her "Thanks. Please save your money mom I can buy my own clothes." I have even told her that I will not wear the clothes she buys for me. She always says that she understands,. Then she shows up a few months later with more bags from the mall.
Yesterday my mom bought some cargo jeans and some t-shirts. I just lost my temper. I yelled at my mom that she never listens to me and that she is wasting her money because all the clothes she buys for me are going to end up at Goodwill and even if i wear it i be bitter inside wearing it. I told my mom to stop treating me like I’m a little kid.
My mom left looking like she was going to cry. I feel bad that I yelled at my mom. I feel like my mom is not listening to me and is ignoring my boundaries. It is not a gift if I have specifically asked my mom many times not to buy me clothes. I am wondering if I am in the wrong, for yelling at my mom.
NTA- she didn’t listen when you were nice so you had to lay it out for her. You’re 20, not 12. You don’t have to be 100% nice to your mom 100% of the time. You’re both adults and no one is going to look after your interests in this life besides you.
NTA because you have used your words. It sounds like your mother either loves shopping (possibly bargain shopping) and/or her love language is gifting things.
Maybe make an Amazon wish list. Tell her you do not want her to buy what is on the list but use it as a template for things that are closer to your style. If there is somethings you like certain skincare, candles from certain stores maybe mention those in a text. Maybe go the the mall and find stores where you like the stuff and mention those stores in a text. Then she can get her shopping fix and you don’t have to give away or throw out stuff you won’t use
Totally NTA
Everyone who says that you are TA is ignorant and should get their facts straight.
Yes she is your mother, and she’s doing it “out of love”. Yes you overreacted. But no one can blame you.
You tried it the easy way, talking politely to her, explaining her the situation. It didn’t work. Well, extreme situations need extreme measures.
Parents need to understand that their children grow up, and to respect their wishes. The fact you have explained this to her many times, she says she understands, but yet goes and does the same thing again and again, is toxic, and a sign of bad parenting, disguised as love.
Don’t get me wrong, I would never say that she is a bad parent. But this behaviour, is indeed a sign of bad parenting, even if it’s done unintentionally.
Fr. Most of these people dont understand what its like to have your mom, someone you love and obviously dont want to hurt, repeatedly do something you’ve told her to stop doing. Then one day everything just adds up and she does that thing again and you just lose it. I’ve been there too. Random people online will only say “how could you yell at your mom and make her cry!!!” Because they dont understand being on the crazy thin line of treating your mom with respect and love but also trying to repeatedly set up a boundary that is wasteful for BOTH of you
From experience NTA-I’m guessing everyone in the comments deals with wonderful mothers which is great for them. Just because they’re a mother doesn’t mean they don’t need to listen and respect boundaries. My MIL is like this with my husband and because he’s never been super firm with her she continues to this day to constantly get things no one wants (she’s branched out from clothes). It has trickled down to her grandkids who also feel they have to be grateful for things they don’t want because she wants to buy them. Yelling sometimes is the only thing they’ll listen to so although it’s harsh, it seems like it needed to be done.
This! My mom had a shopping addiction and her buying things was more about her than me or anyone else. Luckily she was a narcissist so mostly bought herself crap on qfc. The crying seems like emotional manipulation.
Yeah reading through the comments has been.. an experience. I’m glad everyone has good mothers, but the only way mine listened is.. never 😅
NTA. You’ve tried being polite and it hasn’t worked, so your frustration has built up. I had the same with my mother. I just refused to even try on clothes she bought it the end. It made her sad, but it worked. Eventualy!
NTA and frankly I’m surprised by the y t a responses. You’ve nicely communicated many times that you don’t want her buying you clothes and she just keeps ignoring you. It makes sense that you’d eventually snap. Not buying you clothes is not a hard boundary to stick to and if she really wanted to keep buying you clothes she could make the effort to learn your personal style and preferences. Instead she is both refusing to learn what clothes you like and refusing to respect your boundaries about clothes. She clearly wasn’t going to listen by continuing to ask nicely so I don’t think you can be blamed for finally snapping and yelling.
I agree and a lot of the Y T A responses are ignoring the damage that clothing manufacturing does to the environment. Buying clothing isn’t a harmless choice. Thrift stores collectively recycle or throw away the majority of the clothing donated to them. The mother is giving OP a chore to do. OP has tried being polite, and that hasn’t worked. He’s NTA.
Does your mom have a shopping addiction? Does she hoard items?
Yeah, I strongly suspect the mom has some underlying issues here. This is not normal behavior.
Gift giving is my love language, and I absolutely cannot wrap my mind around *repeatedly* giving someone a gift of a type they’ve said clearly they do not want.
Maybe she’s got an impulsivity issue? Or, OP, Is it possible that she just hates your style and is trying to get you to look more “normal” or “preppy” or something else? Like, are you dressing goth?
I only ask because if you can find out what her reasoning is, you might be able to find a respectful compromise (like, dressing differently around Grandma or something). But if she just has a shopping problem, there’s not much you can do about that. Except, I guess, try to redirect her to things you can return or resell easily to get your money back.
NTA – My Mum was like this and it drove me up the wall. But I’m saying that, I think the best thing to do is to apologise for yelling and say that there is a compromise – tell her that you’d like to go shopping *with her* and so you can pick out things you like and try them on, and she can still treat you to a shopping spree. The other option is to tell her that you you’d like to be treated to something else you want or need. Surely you can both work it out together.
NTA and everyone who says you are are wrong. I understand where they’re coming from especially the ones who have lost them but when they’ve been told not to buy stuff and still do then that’s crossing your boundaries. At some point mom should be listening and understanding that you appreciate what she’s doing but please stop. If a person disrespects their parents and they get yelled at for it would all you commentors call the parents the AH?? I highly doubt it so what’s the difference here. I also miss my mom but there’s a point where they need to listen to their children and stop treating them like they’re little kids.