I’m 32. For my whole life, my highest form of motivation was to one day find a woman I could build a family with, have children, and be the absolute best father possible. My father wasn’t very present when I was a kid, I wanted to be the best I could for my future kids.
Well, fast forward to this year. After a short stint on anti-depressants, I find out that the SSRIs have likely permanently destroyed my ability to have kids. It’s called PSSD, and many men have it.
I feel devastated to say the least. The hope for that was the only thing pushing me forward in life. Now, I really don’t know where to turn to.
Spite
A strong one for sure. Most of my young life it was the more positive emotions that fueled me. The older I get, the more I feel spite or a sense of vengeance driving me.
Myself, i.e doing things for myself that I like and make me happy.
Dying at the end of my life.
Proving people wrong who don’t believe in me. Ooooh nothing gets me going like that.
Oh you had one of those moms too?
Presently, it is my two kids and wife.
Making it through the day, managing my pain and anxiety, being there for my wife and son.
I wish I had a better answer. I have a teenage son who I’m struggling with. My Dad’s real children were booze and golf, and my brother and I weren’t much more than an annoyance, so I sympathize. I’m a cancer survivor, so recurrence is always around the corner and my health isn’t awesome otherwise. To be fair, I have writing that I enjoy and I like spending time with my wife and son. My son is adopted. It was a hard process, and adoption often comes with a lot of baggage, but just because you can’t copy your DNA doesn’t mean you can’t be a parent.
It’s not over is my point. Society puts a lot of weight on having a child that is your DNA, especially with the kind of men who frequent subs like this. As we both know, you can share half your DNA with someone and not have them be a true father. On the flip side, you can be a great father to a child who has no hope of having one otherwise. You’re not any less of a parent if you’re not blood related. Cumming inside someone doesn’t make you a father, it makes you a sperm donor.
I didn’t get married until I was 37. It’s not over for you. Likewise, when you get married and have kids, the fight’s not over then, either. Raising a child has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve made some pretty big fuckups. Hang in there. A lot of the answers here are glib, or worse, edgy. Drop me a DM if you want to talk.
Support kids and women in the third world with a small monthly donation. Your life will make a difference to someone then
Motivation is highly overrated. It will only get you started maybe. But it’s discipline that will keep you going.
Just keep showing up and doing what’s good for you. Consistently. Day after day.
The results will he astounding.
Don’t rely on motivation – anger, heartbreak, desire to be a better person all these will burn out.
Discipline sticks.
Losing the future you pictured hurts. But the drive to love and build something meaningful is still yours that doesn’t disappear.
The reduction of stress.
I sympathise with you but children are separate beings and not a way to make amends with or fix our past
After my ex wife cheated and left, my community. I joined a community garden a few years ago. Loved the social aspect of it. Many of the members are much older but have a lot time and knowledge for growing things. Im 38 and with the little spare timei had was happy to help out with the heavy lifting and building things (I have a trade).
Hearing about the concerns of those around me and being someone who wont whinge about something unless I try and change it i decided to run for government (i was also curious about the democratic process!). Surprisingly i won the seat last year and now can actually elicit real change. Also the sudden availability of other politicians has been very powerful, many are very busy and will not actively seek out to find more problems to solve, but are keen to listen to ideas if they come from another representative. I worked in the energy space, so accelerated electrification to get off fossil fuels is my jam.
It’s been a big change for me, but i’m excited to make the most of my 4yr term.