My coworker (let’s call her Amy) is blatantly favored by our boss (let’s call her Kathy) and has been since she started her job at the non-profit we work at. Kathy is older, and is a social worker/counselor. She openly favors employees who have a degree in social work, but particularly favors Amy. I, however, have a degree in Psychology and since I started my job here, there have been a series of demoralizing comments about my educational background that have for the most part been put to rest with time. However, I am frequently not afforded the same upward mobility in the company structure due to my major (which I graduated with 2 years ago) compared to my BSW coworkers despite us all working the same position. This is all just foundational context, so just bear with me.
As of last week Amy gave her notice and will be leaving the company by the end of this week. About one month ago, my mother received a breast cancer diagnosis that has been tremendously hard on myself and my family. Everything is extremely uncertain, and the treatment plan is very intense. Off handedly the other day, our boss asked how I was doing, I was very honest that things were pretty tough. I told her verbatim: "every bad day I have due to work is amplified by a million because I am so emotionally sensitive from processing my mother’s diagnosis", She responded with: "I know what you mean. that’s just like me with Amy leaving".
I was really taken aback, I didn’t know what to say so I just excused myself from the conversation. I went home feeling like she must have meant something else, but I personally cannot even imagine saying that to someone. I’ve been trying not to let it bother me but every once in awhile I remember and it’s just wild to me. Shortly after this happened Kathy announced that she is going to host a goodbye party for Amy at her house over the weekend (so on everyone’s day off) and everyone is welcome to join at hers for a game night for Amy. As much as I want to have fun and celebrate Amy’s time with the company (she truly was an amazing coworker), I am having my reservations about attending. Maybe I’m just stubborn but at this point I don’t think I will be attending. I fully recognize the comment made by Kathy is not Amy’s fault, and it’s certainly not Amy’s fault Kathy has favored her so heavily. I sincerely cannot imagine that our boss would throw a goodbye party at her house for anyone other than Amy. On principle, based on the favoritism and how our boss has compared Amy’s departure to my mother’s cancer diagnosis I do not think I can bring myself to go. In my head it’s like rewarding Kathy for the comment, and normalizing the favoritism to continue in the workplace. I am VERY open to feedback, I know I can be stubborn.
Am I taking this too personally? WIBTA to Amy for not attending? All thoughts are appreciated, especially if you are at a non-profit – it’s truly a different beast of a workplace.
Tell Amy you have a previous commitment, get her a card or a small gift (if you do actually like her otherwise not needed) and wish her the best. Its not her fault your boss is nuts. But if you say nothing and dont go Amy might feel its because of her
NTA It’s hard to know the intent of her comment, but either way, if you don’t want to go, just decline the invite. If she asks why, tell her you need to help your mother that evening.
NTA. You should report her comments to HR.
If you don’t want to go, don’t go. But make sure to talk to Amy and tell her how you can’t feel like joining a party because of your family situation.
It’s a party for Amy, not your boss. Your boss is the one who is being insensitive. If you just don’t want to spend time after work with your boss, then bow out for family medical. Don’t let them know why.
NTA. Your boss sounds like an insensitive person in general and probably not suited for this line of work.
Regardless of how the remark was intended, it added more anxiety to your plate. While none of this is Amy’s doing, if the situation leaves you in a position where you can’t be there to enjoy and celebrate, stay home.
Simply have a talk with Amy, wish her well and explain you are trying to cope with your mom’s diagnosis
I understand why you want to skip the party. just explain that you have family obligations and wish her well. NTA.
NTA
Your boss’s comment was inappropriate. Equating a colleague leaving a job with a parent’s cancer diagnosis shows a lack of perspective and emotional judgment. Even if she intended empathy, the comparison minimized something serious and personal. It is reasonable that it affected you.
That said, the goodbye party is about Amy, not your boss. Ethically, you are not obligated to attend a voluntary social event on your day off, especially while managing family stress. Work culture does not create a moral duty to socialize outside work hours.
The relevant question is relational impact. If you skip it, Amy may interpret that as distance unless you communicate otherwise. The professional approach would be to separate issues. You can acknowledge Amy’s contributions during work hours, write her a thoughtful note, or take her to coffee one on one. That preserves goodwill without endorsing your boss’s behavior.
Not attending is not punitive. It is a boundary. The key is not framing it as a protest. Frame it as capacity. You are dealing with a serious family situation. That is sufficient reason.
You are not taking it too personally. The comment crossed a line. Just ensure your response aligns with your long term professional interests rather than a moment of principle.
I think Kathy didn’t compare the departure of Amy with you mom’s diagnosis.
She compared what you FELT (the hard work way harder because of something in your personnal life that makes you very anxious and sad) with what she also feels.
Suffering can’t really be compared. You have something painful in your life, someone else has something painful in his or her life, what’s matter is not how hard you feel the pain, or if this pain is harder than someone else’s pain, because it’s just the most painful for both of you.
Kayie didn’t say “I don’t care about your pain/your mom”, she said that she understood and felt empathetic.
I hope you two can understand each other.
Your boss’ comment was insensitive, but I don’t think it was either uncaring or malicious. Some people are just oblivious. And while understandable, I think your reaction is amplified by the emotions your are experiencing from your mother’s diagnosis.
You are NTA for not wanting to attend the party, for whatever reason you want. However, I would try to regard the boss’ reaction with a little more grace, if for no other reasons than your future work relationship.
I am a mother and I am dying of cancer. I am also a phd psychologist. You are going to need a thicker skin to deal with your mom and the comments and perceived slights from your co workers if you are going to make it thru grad school, internship and residency if you want to be a psychology. I’m sorry about your mom and her diagnosis. Clean the house, do all the laundry, make dinner – that’s the stuff I really need right now as I go thru this. And let your mom she did a good job and that you are going to be ok. That your life is a happy one. That was one of the best things my kid said to me.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you don’t mind if I think of you from time to time ❤️
My prayers are with you! I am a cancer survivor, and I wanted to say something similar, people say stupid and insensitive things all the time, even now. You can’t control what they say but you can control how you react to it.
I don’t want to use the term asshole, because it’s not the case, but most certainly thicker skin is needed.
NTA. With Amy luck privately.
And also, INFO: is Kathy the BIG boss? Or does she answer to an HR, board, bigger boss, etc.?