Okay, so I 16F and my best friend Taylor, 16F are in a church youth group together.(I’m atheist , but I go there because the pastor is a friend of someone I know, and to meet up with other people.)
About a month ago she told me about a 15 year old girl from our youth group, dating a 19 year old guy (also in our youth group.) I was obviously disgusted, and said that this was wrong, but she tried to convince me that the girl was mature and they aren’t intimate. I dropped the subject, because I don’t like to argue with her.
Just today I join a discord call D&D session with the church group, and I hear the 15 year old girl, and she sounds and acts 12. Not mature at all. I’m disgusted, and after the call I talk to taylor about the girls immature behaviour, and how her dating this boy is not valid at all.
Taylor agrees with some points, but then gets defensive and tells me to stop talking about this because “this girl is her friend”. if she were your friend you would care about her getting groomed by a 19 year old adult man who looks at least 21. I blocked her, as I found it dispicable how she defended this, and she’s asking all our friends why I blocked her. AITA?
NTA. Sounds like your friend really wants to avoid (imo necessary) drama.
NTA
A 15 year old dating a 19 year old raises legitimate ethical concerns. There is a clear developmental gap. Even if they are not intimate, the power imbalance alone is enough to justify concern. Your reaction was grounded in protection, not jealousy or gossip. From a safeguarding perspective, your instincts are reasonable.
Where this becomes more nuanced is how you handled your friend. Taylor did not defend predatory behavior outright. She acknowledged some of your points but set a boundary when she felt you were criticizing someone she cares about. That is a social loyalty reflex, even if misplaced.
Blocking her escalated the situation. Blocking is a strong relational move. It signals rejection rather than disagreement. Ethically, it is usually a last step after someone refuses to engage respectfully. In this case, she asked you to stop discussing it. That is not inherently malicious. It is conflict avoidance.
You are not wrong to be concerned. You are not wrong to voice that concern. But if your goal is protecting the younger girl, maintaining communication and escalating the issue to a responsible adult in the group would be more effective than cutting off your friend.
Your anger is understandable. The more productive path is calm documentation and involving a trusted adult leader. Blocking your friend may feel justified, but it does not advance the safety issue.
NTA, but you should tell their parents
NTA It’s illegal for a 15 y/o to date an adult. It’s despicable for your friend to defend that and I believe you should tell the girl’s parents, in case they don’t know. It’ll be difficult, but most teen pregnancies are from ADULT MEN.
even if the girl was mature as people say… 15 and 19 is still illegal. please tell her parents or maybe even the authority ;-;
Edit: Forgot to add, NTA
Your title is EXTREMELY misleading, OP. You didn’t block T over a text. You blocked her because she approves of a relationship you don’t.
I absolutely agree with you that 19 can’t chase 15. There are inherent imbalances in lived experiences and what life experiences are open to these two ages. There are very likely inherent imbalances is this church youth group. 19m is almost certainly occasionally proximal to, if not part of, the authorities in the group, and if not now, then he will be later.
But that means, like it or not, NAH. Taylor isn’t the one in the wrong here either, because her entire community is demonstrating to her that this is ok. She’s 16 herself. This is the community she lives in. In her circles, this is fine. It’s time to realize that you’re not in her circles, at least not like that, OP, because to be in those circles, you have to accept this relationship. You walked into those circles, OP. You chose them as access points for socializing. You can choose to walk away if you don’t like how they operate, but expecting someone inside those circles to follow your morals here is overreach. You may think, and I may agree with you, that this kind of group takes advantage of young people, especially young women, but you’re still here, by choice, in a place that you came to of your own accord.
OP you’re an absolute fool if you don’t think the church group approves of this, if 19 is an upstanding member, and congratulations, you’ve discovered why atheists and agnostics and lapsed churchgoers don’t generally mix in the core religious social groups very well… their expectations are not ours. It was very likely always going to come down to something like this. You’re not going to meet a lot of people who hold the same values as you do, OP, because you specifically walked into a group that chooses to uphold their own values specifically, and not necessarily giving a damn about larger societal interpretations of what is right or good.
The A-hole here, 19m, isn’t involved in your situation with Taylor at all. He may not even know you exist, and it’s unlikely he cares, or even knows, what your opinion here is. If he’s heard it at all, it’s almost certainly been laughed off as something the non-believer, outsider, said.
I don’t mind you blocking Taylor over this, but please understand that no one else in this group likely gives a damn, or if they do, they are more likely to walk out with you then to change anyone else’s mind. I’m not really fond of the way you describe 15f as being more like 12… in what way? Why made you think that? I’m going to offer complete speculation and suggest that you were predisposed to think her immature based on the relationship. Unless you’re about to tell me she was asking people to come play with her barbies if their moms would allow them to have a playdate, you’re probably out of line here, because, like the relationship, her upbringing is so different from yours that you probably don’t respect her at the base.
I have a 12 year old sister, and she acts exactly like her. the 15 year old said things like “I love arson! hehe! I can’t wait to burn down a tavern!” and “My characters a gay vampire who loves writing zesty books!” in our D&D game. that’s why I said she acts 12.
Ah, the presumed maturity of the serious 16 year old, is it.
Sorry, OP, that’s ridiculous. All of the any-number-teens and quite a lot of the twenty-and-thirty-whatevers I play D&D with are playing Lestat-but-he-writes-fan-fiction-about-ME! arsonists. That’s a COMMON one. Wait til you encounter people playing down-on-their-luck werewolves in patched tweed suits who are also perfumers and are also Marxist propagandists who also write bad poetry about the moon, who was once their mortal girlfriend. That player has children and a retirement savings account.
You sound very self-serious, and while you’re allowed to choose that for yourself, you do not get to choose it for others. The issue with 15 dating 19 is nothing to do with her, really, and everything to do with him and the people around them.
You’re being a bit rude. There is seriously no reason to be so rude, and your snide remarks just make you sound stupid. What kind of pleasure does a person on the internet get from talking to a 16 year old girl this way, I wonder? But thanks for the long replies anyway, I enjoy reading them.
also 12 year old girls don’t play with barbies. have you ever seen a 12 year old? or are you more interested in 16 year old girls online?
You have every right to be concerned. The only way it wouldn’t be just a ton of red flags is if they use the term ‘dating’ in a really dumb way, like they just talk on phone and hang out at the youth group events, but nothing even remotely physical or indicative of a relationship (as in, it’s just friends). Though even in that case, sometimes that could be the intent of one of the two and the other thinks it’s more meaningful. Which is just begging for trouble. If the youth pastor is a friend of a friend, you might just bring up the situation to see if they are aware of it, and if not they might want to just keep an eye and ear out in case things start to head into dangerous trouble. I mean, it’s kind of the job of a youth pastor to help guide his flock down the right path and try to keep them from stumbling. As far as your friend, i can only imagine the most poignant comeback is “clearly you aren’t her friend, if you aren’t willing to help keep her from danger because it might make her upset with you”.
NAH. You’re right that the relationship is inappropriate. Unless it’s a secret relationship though, it’s likely that the community, of which your best friend is a part, is tolerant of the relationship. If the adults around your best friend see no harm in it, then it’s only natural that your best friend will feel the same, even though you’re right.
I suggest that you talk to your parents about the situation and then leave it alone and not discuss it further with your friend. It’s not something you or her can significantly influence.
I recommend that you also put in some work to make friends in another social group, that isn’t religion based. Take up an in person hobby. A sport, art, craft or community endeavour. Attend every week. Talk to everyone. Arrive early and leave late so you can have those conversations (so much as you can given you’re a minor).
Having a diversity of friends means you have more people to bounce ideas off, and also means you’re less dependent on your best friend.
This is a church youth group you have to go to the pastor or the head of the church.
Yes, this is also illegal . You should have your parents go to the police and report it.
This is predatory behavior on the 19-year-olds side.