Our family was going to my in-laws for my father-in-law’s birthday.
My spouse told me we needed to be there at 6. I replied saying I thought it was 6:30. (In the family chat group both times had been floated)
My spouse was adamant. I opened the chat app on my phone to confirm what the correct time was (if it was 6 then I needed to go make dinner right then, if it was 6:30 then I had some more time)
My spouse got very angry at me, saying I never believe them, that ‘I think’ "they can’t be right"
AITA that thinking when two people disagree on something that has a specific answer somewhere, that confirming the answer is a normal thing to do? No matter how sure either party is?
ETA: ‘I think’
ETA2: They were correct, I was wrong.
Info needed:
Does this happen often? Do you regularly remember things differently, and need to verify? Are they often treated as wrong by default?
If this was a one-off, you’re N T A, but if you double-check them all the time, I could see why they’d be mad.
Is this a bigger issue? Do you fact check them frequently? Is it a competition as to who is right and wrong?
YTA
She knows when she wants to be there for her family 🙄
It sounds like this is a recurring problem and in this case, you were wrong, they were right. If it’s true that you do this a lot then it’s frustrating and I could understand your spouse’s anger.
YTA
If it’s something important, then it’s fine to want to double-check. If it’s not important, then she has a very good point.
It’s incredibly common for guys to never believe their partner is right. Don’t be that guy. If she’s wrong, let the two of you find out together instead of her finding out from you.
omg checking the chat is literally the most logical thing to do? it’s not about not believing them, it’s about making sure you’re both on the same page for something important.
This can be a fundamental disagreement. I’m like you, but I like looking up SO many things. I don’t care who is right, I just want to know! My ex couldn’t take it. Now I have a partner who enjoys it as much as I do.
Tone and timing matter, but this seems like an entirely reasonable situation to be looking for “the answer, ” since it affects timing of the rest of the day.
It’s possible that your husband is annoyed because this is something you do too frequently, but it’s also something pretty petty for him to be upset by.
YTA. Your spouse might have wanted to go earlier. They might have had a conversation outside the chat. It sounds like this is a recurring issue not a one off.
Soft YTA. Not for this specific scenario, but your partner is telling you point blank what the issue is:
You never believe them and always feel the need to prove them wrong. You are in a consistent state of questioning their memory, and as someone that has experienced that personally, it sucks. It 100% sucks. Why is someone I love constantly double checking me like I’m a child. Why can’t they just trust that I know what I’m talking about.
Even if for your own peace of mind, you need to know the answer, stop looking it up in front of them and telling them you looked it up.
“Hey, do you remember what time the party is?”
“Yeah, it’s at 6:30.”
“Cool, thank you.”
Then go somewhere else, look it up, and figure out the answer. If they’re right, all’s well. Literally no need to bring it up again. If they’re wrong, wait a bit, and bring it up casually.
“Hey, I was looking at the invite to double check allergies and I noticed it actually says 6.”
If it’s not a time sensitive event (surprise party, dinner, etc.) where getting there on time is important, maybe even add:
“We can go ahead and try to get there or, if you want, we can still just plan for 6:30. I don’t really mind either way”.
When you constantly look for someone to be wrong and treat every moment as a “Haha! Gotcha!” moment, what you communicate is that you really don’t trust them and that, to an extent, you have a problem with them possibly being right. It sounds silly, but people work in silly ways. You’re being told what the problem is. Instead of asking strangers if you’re TA, listen to what your partner is telling you and see if you can find a way to fix it.
My wife used to double check whenever I told her something. It, to me, was a sign she didn’t trust me.
So, yeah, YTA.
Soft YTA. Idk if you realize what you are doing but if you are constantly going to double check questions you ask your partner they why bother asking? Just look it up yourself.
Getting asked for information to be constantly told you’re wrong doesn’t feel good. If your spouse is only half listening to things and that is causing issues that is a different topic for you guys to discuss.
You told us you were wrong, did you tell your partner? That is where you WBTA or not. Also, do you question everything that they tell you?
It depends. If you constantly do this and never just put your trust into what she says, I can see how it gets upsetting. It upsets me too. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, it’s more of a representation of how you think of her.
I know in my previous relationships, they would continuously counter what I said, whether that be looking it up or trying to confirm it with the source. More than half of the time I ended up being right, it was just a power move for them. It’s definitely annoying, especially when you ARE right. I’m willing to bet money she doesn’t do that to you and if you tell her a fact, she’ll choose to trust and believe your word. It’s not that hard to do the same for her – even if she ended up being wrong. that’s NOT the point.
Info- how did he know you were checking? Did you proclaim let me double check vs just discreetly checking.
If you’re always second guessing him and proclaiming it then I can see where he is coming from. It seems silly but so is constantly stating you need to double check what he says.