I have a friend who lives in Texas and I live on the west coast, where she used to live. she moved about three years ago now. Usually when she comes back to visit, we’ll always make plans to see each other, usually just dinner and drinks or something. We were messaging earlier this week and decided Tuesday at 6:30p, we’d meet up. She told me she’d look into something to do/where to go.
I am a full time student in school with an internship. I have classes on Mondays and Fridays and a 7:30a-5p internship T-Th. I’m not able to bring my phone into this internship, so I always leave it in my car and I get access to it again during my lunch hour at noon. At that time, I looked at my phone and I texted her asking if she had anything in mind? She told me no, so I listed off three suggestions: we could go for drinks, we could go do hot yoga, or we could go somewhere for some dessert. She said she’d look into a place to go for drinks. I told her okay and then apologized for being MIA because I’m not able to have my phone on me. When I got out to my car at 5p when my internship was over, there was still no message from her. I drove home and showered and at this point, it was 5:40p. I decided to just message her and I said, "hey, I’m feeling pretty tired and since we never locked in a plan, I’m just going to stay in tonight. hopefully, I’ll be able to see you next time."
she replied immediately saying I disappointed her and that I didn’t prioritize our friendship. she apologized and said she was busy with family, but that she reserved this night in hopes of seeing me. I then replied and told her I felt disappointed as well after not hearing from her for hours, even after I listed off a few ideas. I told her the fact I hadn’t heard from her yet and we were supposed to meet in less than an hour made me feel like SHE didn’t value the friendship either. then I apologized for disappointing her. all she did was "thumbs up" my message.
I was busy all day too, but it’s only acceptable that she was busy? I did message her again asking if there was any more info she could give me other than just a thumbs up. she opened it over an hour ago now and has just left me on read. honestly, I really don’t want to deal with this. I’m trying to have a real conversation about it and she’s literally giving me nothing, so why bother? I’m actually good.
am I the asshole?
YTA, if shes your “friend” you should feel comfortable enough to double text without feeling weird about it. but she also sucks for not responding in that amount of time. Very possible something did come up with her fam, and you were not under fire for not responding so that shouldnt be a factor
YTA. Sorry. You got home at 5 p.m. You pulled the plug at 5:40. She said she was looking into a place to go for drinks … so drinks was the plan, you just didn’t know where yet. And that’s a problem that can be solved with one phone call. Surely you weren’t planning to start drinking at 5:45, right? She reserved the night for you, and you flaked.
Whether or not this is a case of Y T A or N T A will depend largely on how long this was in the works for.
INFO: How long beforehand did you know she was coming to visit?
If you had long advance notice, you should have planned something before she even arrived in your state.
If it was fairly short notice, then the onus is on her to do the planning.
Probably could have been better communication on your part after left the internship seeing that you had no text, shoot her one “hey I’m headed home gonna shower and get cleaned up? Any thought where we going” big miscommunication imo.
I think you’re slightly TA. Why didn’t you just call her when you got out of work? If you had a conversation perhaps you two could have agreed on a place and a hour would have been enough time to change and meet her somewhere. If you were too tired to go out you could have invited her over for a visit.
It sounds like you were irritated that she didn’t pick a place while you were at your internship so you just cancelled. But I do think a quick phone call would have avoided all the hurt feelings.
YTA
You agreed to a time and day. The activity doesn’t matter and could be scheduled last minute. You flaked out on your friend
YTA. You knew you two were getting together at 6:30. The options were open. It was ok for you to be MIA but not her? Sounds hypocritical. I think you are fishing for a pass. Just be honest with her and yourself. You were just not into it.
ESH. I understand your POV because yeah, I’d also be annoyed if I made plans with my friend who said they’d choose a place to meet at but didn’t update me whether they did or not less than an hour before the supposed meeting time. However, I would’ve just called my friend to confirm. It’s honestly just petty to send a cancellation text.
YTA
You agreed on a date and time, and there are ideas on the table. It doesn’t matter what she decides to do at the end. Heck, you could have met up first and then decide what to do.
You agreed to “Tuesday at 6:30”, then it is not “we never locked in a plan”. Meeting at 630 is the plan.