I (26M) have a 7-month-old daughter with a woman I casually dated for about a month. We met in another city but it was just casual dating and sex. When she got pregnant I was strongly against it, but I stepped up when she was born: flew in the morning of delivery, visit every 6-7 weeks, she even brought our daughter to stay with my family over the holidays. I live in the Midwest, she’s in the South.
What makes this challenging is that we actually get along really well. We’re supportive of each other, talk every day, and have a solid dynamic outside of one big elephant in the room: she wants a committed relationship and concrete plans for our future together. I’ve never agreed to that.
I’m scared of locking myself into something I’ll regret. But I’m also scared of missing my daughter’s formative years from a distance while she changes every single month. So instead of being honest, I’ve been giving vague, half-committed answers to keep the peace and protect my access to my daughter.
She’s losing patience with my non-answers. She’s also pointed out that her parents are stepping in to fill my role because I’m not physically there and I’m feeling the guilt (but I also don’t want to feel guilt bc I don’t want something that she wants of me)
My two options as I see it:
1. Stay a long-distance involved dad with no romantic relationship (harder, but honest)
2. Try to build something with her for the sake of our daughter, even if I’m uncertain (present, but potentially unsustainable)
Is there even a third option here? And AITA for stringing her along with half-answers instead of just being straight with her?
3rd option. Move and be an involved father but keep a platonic co-parenting relationship with your baby’s mother.
There is a third option. You move there and coparent with her, living in your own place. Your focus is on raising your daughter. You let her know you aren’t getting involved romantically but you want to be there for your kid.
So weird to me that he didn’t see this as a 3rd option! 🤦🏻♀️
YTA – for stringing her on.
She *needs* to know if you’re in or not. That way she can figure out how to go forward and not wait on you figuring out on going forward.
You have two choices. Go move and be a dad or be absent one. That’s it.
If you don’t want to move, send child support and accept that’s your role.
YTA. “stepped up” by visiting once every 6 WEEKS?! Take responsibility for your child and move so you can coparent.
This is so wild. 7 months old and you’ve been there every 6-7 weeks?
This man has seen this baby about 4-6 times, without being clear for how long each time.
OP is audacious for that one.
Your third option would be to relocate (if it’s possible), but don’t be in a relationship with your child’s mother. Be close enough that you can spend regular time with your child (every 6-7 weeks is not very often for a baby), but that doesn’t mean you have to live together or be in a relationship. Of course, uprooting your life may not be easy. If you want to stay a long distance dad, you’ll have to accept that it means missing chunks of your child’s life.
YTA. Option #3 – move to where your daughter is, build a relationship with the baby and be honest with the mother that you want to co-parent and go from there.
3. Actually step-up, move and be a present father, and a co-parent to your daughter’s mother. Get a co-parenting custody agreement in writing.
YTA for stringing her along and being “vague”. Grow up and have an adult conversation with her.
YTA for letting her assume all the responsibility and weight of being a single parent, while patting yourself on the back for “visiting” every two months. Also, cowardly. I hope you’re at least paying child support.
But more importantly, YTA to your child.
YTA. There’s no such thing as a “long distance parent”. If you’re only visiting once every 6-7 weeks, you’re not a parent.
And also, tf you mean “I’m scared of locking myself into something I’ll regret.”
Bro – you already made a baby. Shit or get off the pot. You don’t have to marry her tomorrow, you could just move closer and see if there’s a relationship to be had.
But like the comment above says, you’re not a parent when you see your kid every 6-7 weeks. You’re a visitor.
YTA
For stringing her along. Give a full answer.
3rd option – move so that you are close to your kid. You cannot be an involved dad with a 7 month old from half the country away.
YTA for considering yourself an involved parent because of visits every 6-7 weeks
>she wants a committed relationship and concrete plans for our future together. I never agreed to that
This is the kind of thing you consider *before* firing off a few rounds inside her.
>So instead of being honest…
Promising start to a sentence. Let’s see how it ends:
>I’ve been giving vague, half-committed answers to keep the peace.
That’s an armistice that’s about to break.
>She’s losing patience with my non-answers.
I bet she is. YTA. Time to grow up and communicate.