So… I’ve known L, my best friend, for quite a while now. L is sweet and funny, absolutely the best person I could ask, but there’s a small problem: she falls in love weekly, and it’s SO annoying.
Every week L finds a random girl to obsess over. Be someone from our class, someone from another school, even her EX’S NEW GIRLFRIEND??? And when she does, she does NOTHING but yap about her new love interest and her plans of "declaring and sending anonymous letters". Like, I wouldn’t mind if it was something she mentioned once or twice, but it’s ALL she talk about everytime we talk… and if by some miracle we’re talking about something else, then she’ll turn the subject into it.
I just find this all so pathetic and creepy. Like, how can you fall in love with someone IF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THEIR NAME (yes, she doesn’t even know the names of most people she falls in love with)?? How can you say you love someone if literally all you know about them is their appearance? If this "love" only lasts a week?? And it’s even worse because instead of telling the poor victim, she keeps making small talk, anonymous love letters… she tells about her crush to teachers, to therapists, to her friends and even STRANGERS. GOD this all annoys me for some reason.
Like, I know I might be the problem. I’ve been aroace my whole life and I just can’t grasp the concept of simply looking at a stranger and going "woah she’s pretty I love her now"… I’m very straightforward, so I can’t understand WHY she just doesn’t tell them. The only time I fell in love I made sure they knew, because I can’t understand why you wouldn’t. I actually would be quite scared if someone kept stalking me and sending me letters instead of just SAYING IT.
I want to talk about normal stuff with her, not listen to her talk about a random stranger for the fifth time today. I’ve been considering politely asking her to stop talking about this kind of stuff with me, but I’m scared this might sound rude yk?? I’m scared she might be hurt or something, even if she has other friends to talk about this kind of stuff. Would I be an asshole for this, or is it justified?
nta but this is not a person you should associate with any more.
TLDR; my friend is an obsessive stalker. Is it okay if I tell her I don’t want to talk about her newest obsession.
nTA
NTA but I can’t merge the two ideas you presented: “L is sweet and funny, absolutely the best person I could ask, but there’s a small problem:” and then go on to say she won’t even hold a conversation without mentioning her love interest. How can you it be both???
This story reminds me of an anime called Nana. The premise is two girls, both called Nana, meet on a train. “Pink” Nana is a happy go lucky girl, a little airheaded, and is always falling in love with- she’s the overly romantic type. “Black” Nana is the brooding, gothy, rock star with far too much cynicism. They become roommates. “Pink” Nana gets nicknamed Hachi (as in the loyal dog, but also meaning 8 in Japan, whereas 7 is Nana).
The show is a lot like this conversation because Hachi is a hopeless romantic who can’t stop, won’t stop. But Nana loves her nonetheless, they are best friends – but the story turns sad
Your friend, Hachi, should be let down easily. Don’t tell her she’s pathetic or weird. Just remind her to get out of the clouds and ground a bit.
So – NTA because you find it annoying. But maybe not judgy because she thinks different and values things you don’t. You’re her friend, you don’t have to fix her – but it’s okay if you don’t want to constantly talk about her and her love life. Just tell her.
NTA. Your friend sounds a bit pathetic. She sounds like a 13-year-old who is obsessive.
The anonymous letters might be thrilling to some recipients, but scary to others, like some invisible stalker is watching them. It’s creepy.
I would tell her right out that you don’t want to hear about her new obsessions. It’s not rude, because she is being rude monopolizing your time together talking about only her interest. Tell her you want to talk to her about other things.
She doesn’t sound interested in you or anyone else except as vessels to pour her obsessions into. She might be insecure and feel like she is establishing an identity this way, so steering her toward normal conversation would really help her out.
This behavior is very concerning. None of this is normal. Your friend needs professional help before she turns into some psycho obsessive stalker. This are signs of some form of mental illness. So, your frustrations are understandable
INFO: how old are you guys?
The answer tells us whether this is really just misperceptions about romance being held by your young, inexperienced friend (relatively “normal” I’d say, and plenty of times resolved by maturing over time) vs. an unhealthy perception of “love” being held by a woman who should know better and can recognize the damage she may be doing to herself and her potential “love” interests via showings of affection that are really just straight up stalking.
In general, no you’d not be the asshole for trying to talk to her about your concerns!
NAH
I am kinda confused about what the actual conflict here is? Honestly it sounds like she’s a girl with a crush. Not sure why she would be the A in the situation. But it’s fine if you don’t like hearing about it. I do think you should maybe consider not calling your friend “pathetic and creepy” just for having crushes and going overboard with it. Those are strong words. I imagine that’s not how you would want your friends to talk about you just because they don’t understand something about you. Maybe you two just aren’t compatible friends…
Tbh i just knew no better place to post this on, sorry 🙁 I don’t think she’s the A, though.
And I meant the whole “falling in love with strangers” thing was pathetic, not her!! She’s such a sweet friend, I would never call her that.
NTA, and it’s not rude to mention your boundaries and what you’re willing to tolerate. But I will say that there is a chance your friend might decide to end your friendship over this. You wouldn’t be TA for letting her know that you’ve noticed this behavior of hers and it’s a part of her that you want to see less or can’t put up with at all. But she could also equally feel that she wants a friend who she can vibe with and talk about these things with. I wouldn’t say anyone’s wrong, I don’t think this is normal for an adult to do, so I’m going to assume she’s younger on the side and she has room to grow. If you two are incompatible and feel like there’s not much to your friendship worth preserving or she is pushing over your boundaries (e.g. you no longer patience to listen to her talk about the same thing over and over without taking any advice) you are in your right to mention this, to break your friendship over this if that’s what you wish and you should also acknowledge that she might not change and she could decide you two are incompatible with her and end the friendship over it.
Even if you label her as “emotionally immature” or “strange” the fact of the matter is that you can rarely ever change anyone if they don’t want to change themselves first. She could take your feedback and decide she wants to change for you, or she could decide she is too stubborn to change and will you love and be with her regardless? Just some things to think about. I know you are still young, but as I go through life as a young adult I feel like these are really the fundamental questions that get subconsciously considered in all friendships. Do their pros out weigh their cons? Can I “put up” with their flaws or must I need them to change? Are they fully bad for me? Or is there some things worth to keeping this friendship?
If this is a ride or die friend who has been good to you all your life or your deepest closest childhood friend, I would say some flaws are worth overlooking and putting up with to keep this friendship going but this is just what I think. But like anything there is a limit and you are well within your right to mention if someone makes you uphappy. You *always* have the right to state your feelings. I just don’t know your friend so I don’t know if she will have the emotionally maturity to take your feedback and change or if she thinks this is something she absolutely cannot change about herself, and then you just need to decide, do I stay or do I leave?
NTA for wanting to talk about it, but it also depends on how you express it, and how insecure/hurt it makes her. So you might hurt her feelings, in fact it’s very likely. You need to be very clear on what kind of talk you want to avoid in the future.
Can you have a normal conversation at least? Does she keep talking about it, even if you change the subject? Does she interrupt you so she can talk more about her crushes? If you tell her about a problem and ask her to comfort you, does she ignore that and go on about her “love life”? If the answer to these questions is yes, it’s not worth keeping up the friendship. If she is otherwise caring and listens to you, it can be salvaged. Of course if she has zero other interests, she might find it hard to keep quiet about the topic. But that’s more on her than you.
NTA. The anonymous love letters to her ex’s new girlfriend part took this from “annoying friend habit” to genuinely concerning real fast. That’s not catching feelings easily, that’s something she should probably talk to a therapist about.
God, I have a guy friend that does this about his long term girlfriend all the time (I’m also a dude). We’re happy that he’s happy but holy shit, no one fucking cares about the shit you do in bed, your plans for date night, how in love you are etc. At a certain age you gotta keep that shit to yourself homie, cause the world don’t run on love.