okay so my uncle recently passed away, he was sick for a long time so everyone was mentally ready for it but i really didn’t know him at all (he had a long history and my mom kept me away from him so he wouldn’t be a bad influence). And the funeral is going to be in another state. and honestly i don’t want to go. My mom and I have been living and working together for almost three years (working together for like 1 1/2 years but we lived apart for most of my life) and that constant proximity and her toxicity (i’m pretty sure she has UBPD) has strained our relationship so much that i’m moving out in a few weeks and honestly considering going LC with my mom, So i could really use a break from her. Every time we all get together everyone is constantly commenting on my introversion and telling me i need to open up more and say shit like "god your so much like your dad". so it just feels like me just being myself is never enough and it honestly makes me feel like the black sheep of the family. So i don’t feel like i owe them anything if they can’t even accept me for who I am. And why would I want to go to an environment that I feel so uncomfortable in? And this could be unrelated but last year my mom told me that when i was younger the doctor told them that i had Aspergers sydrome (but i guess my parent just ignored it because they didn’t want the retarded kid) but one of the common traits are "struggles with social interactions and non verbal communication" so this is literally how i’m hard wired.
nta. funerals are for the living and if you don’t have a connection to him or the family attending, there’s no reason to put yourself through that extra stress.
NTA. Stay away from your mother and stay away from the funeral.
NTA
You weren’t close, and already having issues with your mother to predicate needing to go LC
You WNBTA if you didn’t go. Under the circumstances, I don’t see why you would go. BTW, I’m an aspie, too. The last thing you need is to go on this trip, see all these opinionated and judgmental people and have to act polite while listening to all these negative things your relatives seem to feel obligated to bother you about. You deserve better. Let your mom go alone. You have to do what’s right for you. You have to take care of yourself. I believe in you.
Thank you for you feedback. And yeah the passive agressive comments are constant. Like we hosted (something in had no say in) for Christmas and I got up early and helped set everything up and cooked like 3 dishes for everyone to share. I greeted everyone as they came in but it started getting really loud (we have dogs and they started barking, and my mom’s family is just really loud in general) so I started feeling overwhelmed so I went to me room for a few minutes until everything settled down. And when I come out the first thing I hear is “glad you could finally join us, it’s only once a year”. And this is from a person I’m not even close too. Like we deadass went 20 years without talking and I was a child back then so I don’t even really remember them. And it ruined my mood for the entire day. And then I cleaned up the entire kitchen cuz I felt guilty because of the comment.
Why would you feel obligated to a attend the funeral of someone you dont know? It doesn’t matter if he was family, if you don’t want to go, then don’t.
Most funeral services provide a video service these days, and it can be watched live from anywhere in the world for people who couldn’t physically attend. You could ask if something like that is available if you really feel the need to participate in some way, but otherwise, dont worry about it.
NTA. Protect your peace. You didn’t even know him
*you should have put quotes around the R word, as it’s what you’re saying your parents would say, not what you yourself would.
Outside of that, being told about a funeral is not a summons to attend.
Just say you’re not able to, and call it a day.
Thanks for the feedback. And sorry didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings
We all live, learn and grow.
I used to say it myself. Same with calling things “gay”.
As a society we should all just learn to expand our vocabularies and not limit ourselves to unnecessary derogatory language.
As my first comment stated, I know that you didn’t write it as something that you say. You wrote it as the term your parents would use – which is why using quotes would make sense, so there’s no need to apologize.
Please don’t use the “R” word. It is a slur against people with disabilities. I understand in the context you used it you were trying to show how your parents viewed it but it is still a very ugly word to use.
“Another state” could mean anything from a 15-minute drive away to a long flight plus a long drive. If you were not close to the deceased and don’t need to mourn him, then the main reason to go to the funeral would be to support a mourner you are close to—such as your mother or grandmother or some other relative. So the question is, do you feel like you owe someone your support—a shoulder to cry on—during the funeral. But if you don’t go, your extended family may not like it and may start excluding you (assuming they don’t already) and stop inviting you to family gatherings. Are you really ready to not have any family that cares about you? If you want to maintain a relationship with one or more of your family, I recommend going to the funeral unless the trip is too expensive or too long and would require you to take a few days of leave from work. If the trip would require you to take a lot of leave from work or be too expensive, you can always give that excuse for not going.
NTA Think of a funeral as a way to say one last goodbye to the person who died or a chance to offer comfort to the survivors. In your case neither one fits. You didn’t know him, so a last goodbye seems meaningless. You don’t get along well with the rest of them, so any comfort they need won’t be coming from you.