My husband and I have pretty different parenting styles. He is a lot more about strict guidelines and cleaning etc than I am. Don’t get me wrong, I want things clean and ask my daughter to clean her toys at night just like him. But staying at home with our 2 kids (3 year old and 5 month old), I don’t feel like negotiating with my toddler all day and fighting every little thing with her.
Husband got upset that I let her get more toys out when there’s already some out, and told me in front of her that I shouldn’t let her have more toys when she already has some out. He also said he asked her to clean up some toys in her room, but that she isn’t listening and now I let her have more. (I didn’t know he asked her to clean up some toys). I told him that’s his job to follow through his parenting when he asked her to clean up some toys (he didn’t follow through). I didnt ask her, he did, IMO it wasnt my battle. I was going to have her clean up her toys later on in the day. Because otherwise more will come out anyways. So I told him maybe he should go work in office so that Im not getting micromanaged during my job (stay at home mom). He said I’m a jerk for saying that and now isn’t talking to me. Am I the asshole? I genuinely feel justified in just wanting to handle what I do at home while he focuses on work and stops trying to push his parenting style on me when I’m already just trying to survive and sleep deprived.
Nta. kid is 3. and being that strict with a 3 yo is exhausting. you are not wrong to object to him trying to manage how you parent without him communicating what he told the kid.
NTA, he IS micromanaging you. It’s pretty demeaning – it’s not like you’re an employee and he is literally the boss of you, although he is really trying to get you come around to thinking of him as The Boss.
If it’s feasible in terms of the baby’s feeding schedule, consider leaving him with both kids and going away for the weekend (or at the very least, a whole 8 hour day at a spa), so he can spend all his time arguing with your toddler and see what hills he feels like dying on after that.
And don’t prep a single thing, and make sure you leave a list of things you usually get done that he needs to do- clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry, prep dinner, read to toddler, work on her numbers or letters, etc.
NTA he’s making decisions you don’t agree with and then expecting you to enforce them. He’s not your boss and that’s not how co-parenting works.
NTA. Yes, he’s micromanaging you and trying to impose his rigid style on the family.
Tell him, “I love having you nearby, but I don’t tell you how to do your job, so please don’t tell me how to do mine. You are an expert at finance (or whatever he does), and I am an expert with children.”
Further, tell him, “I want our children to have a relaxed and loving atmosphere to grow up in where they are not being told no, no, no or clean, clean, clean all day.”
Personally, I would want him out of the house, too. He’s imposing his ideas and opinions on you.
NTA
When he’s working, you’re in charge and he should trust you and let you handle it. As long as the kids aren’t getting in his way and bothering him during work, he shouldn’t interfere and tell you how to do it. It would be easier for everyone, including him, if he just focused on his work.
As a sahm too, NTA. I’ve had conversations similar to this, not with my husband but my parents. My mother made us keep our toys in our rooms as children, in contrast my kids have toys that stay in our living room. I don’t follow my 3-year old around all day picking stuff up as soon as she puts it down and they think I should. It’s just not important to me. I was a child that stayed in my bedroom and my kids are rarely in theirs. I allow them some freedom, because it’s their house too, and we all clean up at the end of the day together.
If he thinks toys on the floor should be one of your most important battles with a toddler and a baby, I think he’s a bit out of touch and though maybe you were a little harsh with delivery, I can understand why.
NTA – you and your husband have decided to divide labor, he works and you take care of the kids. I totally agree with you that he shouldn’t micromanage you on the area that is your core responsibility. If he doesn’t trust your parenting skills, he shouldn’t have cranked out two babies with you lol
I’m petty, so I would probably say something like, “If you can do your job and take care of the kids, I’m going to go and get a massage.”
you’re NTA. Hubby is acting like your boss and needs to go focus on his own job and let you do yours. This is the problem with stay at home roles. People become a nightmare with no social interaction. Just anxious and overbearing with too much time on their hands
Editing to add; I think it’s weird to force a toddler to clean up the toys every five minutes. Maybe baby wants to take a break with one toy and come back to it. Let baby clean up at the end of the day when they’re totally done playing. Y’all are making playtime a chore
ESH. I don’t think WFH is the issue. It sounds like you two need to sit down and discuss parenting style. This is bigger than WFH vs in office. After you talk about parenting, you should sit down and also go over expectations and boundaries with WFH/SAHM roles.
Edit to add: I don’t think him bringing it up in front of kiddos is acceptable and frustrating he’s putting enforcing his parental style to be managed by you. It’s really hard when your job IS parenting, but he’s also a parent. Y’all need to sit down and talk
Exactly. They both need to have a unified front with raising their children otherwise they will have children that play them against each other.
ESH
If he’s working he shouldn’t be stepping in to parent or critique your parenting. Maybe he needs a more separated working area.
However, he’s possibly right that if you enforce putting away toys before getting out different ones it will become a habit and be easier over time. But if you are the one home with the kids all day, you should get to set the rule as to when yours are picked up. A compromise could be to pick up before dinner and before bed or something so the mess isn’t too much.
You say you don’t want to “negotiate” all day and “fight over little things” but if the rule is consistently enforced there won’t be negotiating and fighting all day. Maybe think about if you are confusing your daughter into thinking she only has to listen to you when she wants to because you don’t enforce rules consistently. It doesn’t really matter if the role is clean up when finished it clean up at the end of the day. Consistency is key.
I think you telling him that his parenting is something he needs to follow-up on is perfectly reasonable. I think it’s also perfectly reasonable to ask him to return to the office if you’re stepping on each other’s toes. NTA.