My ex (34m) and I (30f) separated, I was the primary caregiver for our finances, children and household responsibilities. Due to mental illness, he did not work during various periods. I returned to work at 3m postpartum and continued to work extra to take care of our family.
The divorce ended in me (my family) writing him a cheque to buy him out of the house, him getting on a plane and leaving his two kids behind.
I’m angry, I have been threatened with paying spousal support to someone who didnt work, couldn’t work and wasn’t able to support the family.
I feel resentment towards people who get pay outs, spousal and/or support financially post divorce. As a woman who did it all, work, caregive, clean and support emotionally, why is it acceptable to pay for a spouse post divorce?
I sound bitter (a bit) but genuinely open to insights or a different perspective on this.
I feel judgy towards people who get paid from a spouse after they didn’t work. Am I the/a asshole for thinking post divorce, each personal takes responsibility for themselves?
NTA but instead of letting it eat at you try focusing on how much better life is for you and the kids.
>me writing him a cheque, him getting on a plane
If he never comes back, then it’s probably worth it.
(but yeah, when the money runs out, he’ll probably turn up like a bad smell wanting help)
I think this will get removed as there is no interpersonal dispute here, merely a philsophical quandry about the nature of marriage.
My view is YTA, you get married in sickness and in health. If this stays up more than 5 minutes I’ll expand a bit.
YTA – it never ceases to amaze me how little people understand about the legally binding institution of marriage until they are getting a divorce.
I watched my mother waste most of childhood bending over backwards for a man who couldn’t be bothered to not treat us like shit. I’ll never forgive her fully for any of that.
You however saved your children from a man who doesn’t care, great effort and may the stars shine on you all
Take a minute to be angry. Then get some therapy, build yourself back and be happy he’s gone. You and your children are much better off!
INFO: Did he provide childcare or maintain the house while you were working? (You’d post implies no, but wanted to clarify)
If so, NTA. The goal of spousal support is that if one spouse steps away from their career for the benefit of the family (eg child rearing), they shouldn’t be left out to dry if they split after two decades. Deadbeats, OTOH…
I think you need to talk to a professional to work through your resentment.
NTA for your feelings but there are a million reasons that people get spousal support. For example, women who give up their career and earning potential to be a SAHM shouldn’t have to be destitute when they get a divorce. Child support is for the children but spousal support helps the wife get back on her feet financially.
You said he couldn’t work. He was too ill to work? Would you feel differently if it were a physical disability?
Did you have a lawyer or just mediated without any legal input? If you have full custody of the children, you should get child support.
would you feel this way if it was a case of a man paying a woman spousal support?
well tbf you would’ve loved divorce in the 50s, but there’s a reason why we don’t have divorce agreements like that anymore.
the reality is we now protect the vulnerable a lot more, and in this case, a person who was not able to work during marriage is going to need a bit more support post divorce. YTA because a SAHM who leaves a 30 yr relationship clearly did not work and yet still deserves support, which you seem inclined not to give them.
MTA
So being angry is okay.
Your situation sucks.
But spousal support is also there because there are those who do everything you did, while their spouse also works and earns more but doesn’t contribute in any other way.
Then they break up and the partner who didn’t get the promotions and work experience is left with no job prospects and has to financially support the kids who now live with them in a home they don’t own.
The one in a better position can afford a lawyer to argue that their spouse doesn’t need or deserve money. They fight against child support without giving any childcare.
It may not be fair to you, in your situation; but it exists to protect the thousands who would otherwise suffer.
One size doesn’t fit all and not everything is fair :/
Slight YTA. If you wanted a “until one us decides to end it” relationship, you could have just stayed boyfriend/girlfriend. You decided to get married knowing that alimony was a possibility. You agreed to the terms. You agreed to provide a safety net in exchange for him providing one for you; if you had gotten sick, he would be expected to take care of you, but now that it’s clear that he’s getting the better end of the bargain, you want out. It’s like joining a health care co-op and agreeing to share medical costs, and then when someone in the co-op gets sick, you just decide to leave.