For context, I (26F) have not seen or spoken to my paternal grandpa in over a decade. When I was growing up, he and his wife (not my biological grandma), lived several states away. I would visit them occasionally during the summer as a kid, but we never had a close relationship. I was actually closer to his wife (we wrote letters, spoke on the phone, etc.) until we had a falling out when I was 14/15 years old. I won’t get into specifics, but it made me realize that she is a very narcissistic and manipulative person, so stopped replying to her letters and answering her calls.
Around the same time, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and began chemotherapy. Looking back, I don’t think the severity of his condition was fully conveyed to me, but I’ve been told that he hasn’t been the same since. I wouldn’t know because he stopped reaching out even after recovering and I haven’t heard from him since. After a while, I began to feel unimportant and forgotten which made me resent both of them until I eventually stopped thinking about them altogether.
Within the past few years they actually moved about an hour away from me. I know this because my dad stayed in contact with them up until recently (although he’s never had a super close relationship with his dad either). Apparently my grandpa’s mental and physical condition has only worsened as the years have gone by and his wife has acted as his caretaker. My grandpa’s wife has never liked my dad and to say he has never liked her either is an understatement. To make a long story short, they got into a huge argument which basically resulted in them stopping contact with eachother completely. She also claims that my grandpa isn’t in the right state of mind to call anyone on his own, so my dad hasn’t talked to his dad in over a year now.
Tonight we were informed by my dad’s sister (who we really don’t have a relationship with either) that my grandpa is in hospice and is likely going to pass away tonight. I had a lot of mixed emotions after hearing that news. I’m sad that its happening, mad that I’m having such a visceral reaction, and regretful that I never tried to reconnect with him as an adult. I honestly don’t have many memories of him because he has been absent for most of my life, but I’ve been flooded with the overwhelming sense that I’m also to blame for that. I was a teenager when he stopped contacting me and I felt like it was his responsibility as the adult to reach out. His wife blames it on his degraded mental state after chemo, but I’m trying to remind myself that he wasn’t the most present and caring grandpa before that either.
I’ve decided not to visit him in hospice because I feel that he is a stranger to me now and that space should be kept for people that he really cared about. AITA for never reaching out and deciding not to see him tonight?
Just the way you’re posting this makes me think you’ll always regret it if you didn’t at least try. NAH.
Yes you are, but mostly to yourself. My real father passed away recently. He was an abusive alcoholic, and I hadn’t spoken to him in 20+ years. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mother remarried and my stepdad is the person I consider as my dad
That being said I wish that I had seen him before he passed.
While I don’t think we here on Reddit can determine the depth of your relationship with him, I can say that if this were my experience, I would go. My view on this is that people only get to die once, and as long as they haven’t severely harmed you, you should make efforts to honor them in death.
Again, one size does not fit all here, so ultimately it has to be up to you. If your conscience is clear and you don’t think you’ll feel guilty about not seeing him when you have the chance right now, then feel free not to go, but remember this is definitely the last chance you’ll ever have to see him alive.
Even your anger tells me you care — there’s no bitterness without hurt. I don’t think you’ll regret going. I think you might regret not going.
NAH, it’s a deeply personal decision.
I’m not sure if this helps, but I will say that I have been in a similar situation. My paternal grandmother and I fell out when I was 13 and my parents got divorced, and I didn’t speak to her for about a decade. When she was dying of cancer, my mother offered to take me out to see her. I was reluctant to take the offer. I felt guilty for not making amends, I thought I didn’t really care about if she passed. I took her up on the offer, and I don’t regret it. Yes I regret the time I didn’t get to spend with her, but people have a habit of wanting to make amends when they’re dying. The way I saw it, I was giving her some peace that she needed. She started to pass a few days later, and when I came to say goodbye she was already incoherent. They told her that her grandkids were here with her, and the last real word she ever said was “Maddie?”
I think about that all the time. I want to feel guilty, I want to feel awful about it, but there’s part of me that takes a great deal of comfort knowing that I could make her passing just a little bit easier, and I think she knows that I care about that.
All of that to say, it is your choice, and a deeply personal and complex one at that. But sometimes you get what you need in strange ways, so don’t write it off either.
Just go…, we are all shades of gray, as you grow older you may see why there were times he didn’t contact you – some of us have got overwhelmingly busy, some of the way they handle things you might realize are perspective.
Go if you can. It better than regret just in case.
NTA. Phones and such go both ways and you had valid reasons for not wanting to risk the contact with his second wife.
You should do what feels safest, not what you think will change someone else’s feelings for them. Estrangement is uncomfortable and clunky. There’s no “right v wrong” around death because it’s different for everyone.
I’m sorry for your family’s struggles and impending loss.
NAH But . . . as many have said, consider whether you will regret it 10 or 20 years from now. Hard to know. Closure is very different for each individual. The reaction you’re describing means you have some kind of feelings for him even if you aren’t close now.
People on reddit always seem to say you should visit someone on their deathbed. I disagree.
Do what’s best for you. If what’s best for you is not going don’t go. I worked in chronic/palliative care for many years. It’s hard to see a loved one pass, and visiting at that time is not for everyone.
My grandfather recently passed. I was there for a couple hours for 2 days out of 6, and I could not mentally handle more. We had a good relationship, he was in his mid 90s, I had spoken to him a week before and told him I loved him. Seeing him bruised and broken from a fall was too much for me.
I don’t regret not spending 6 days with him on his deathbed.
Do what’s best for you. If you want to go, go. If you don’t, you don’t need to go. Take this with a grain of salt and don’t let random strangers on the internet dictate what you feel you need to do.
YTA here it sounds like – or maybe ESH
You were still a child when you stopped being in contact with your grandfather. His wife didn’t help the situation either.
The joys of blended families coupled with an evil stepparent doesn’t make things easier.
In my opinion, NTA.
If you invited to the funeral, go and have a moment to yourself to reflect on the positive memories.
I dont know this is a AITA question honestly. You have to do what you will be able to live with for the rest of your life.
I can say from experience, you’ll likely have regrets if you don’t go. I didn’t have a relationship with my dad or grandparents after my parents divorced. Ultimately, that was on them as I was a fairly young child. They all passed away at an age where I was old enough to have reached out but didn’t and I still have regrets 20+ years later.
It’s a personal decision, but idk what you’d lose from going. Based on what you’ve said here, it sounds like the wife is controlling and likely impacted the relationship. She doesn’t allow him to call his own son. Grandpa might be to blame, but kind of sounds like she calls the shots
Your choice is a fine a choice, but so is the other option