TLDR:
I’ve been letting my girlfriend live with me mostly rent-free while she struggles financially, and even though she owes me money and has been saying she’s broke, she went behind my back and bought a motorcycle, and I’m upset about the priorities and lack of communication.
My girlfriend and I live together. When she first moved in, I let her stay rent free for several months while she got on her feet. Recently I started asking her to contribute $300 a month, which she agreed to, but she currently still owes me rent.
She is struggling to find a new job, and her current one barely pays her enough to survive, and lately she’s been complaining a lot about being broke and stressed about money.
For a while she’s been talking about wanting to get another motorcycle. This made me anxious because when we first started dating, my best friend got into a horrible motorcycle accident and barely survived, so motorcycles are something that worry me now. When I initially expressed concern, she got defensive and said she wasn’t going to let me stop her. I told her I wasn’t trying to control her and tried to be supportive even though I was nervous about it.
This morning I found out she went and bought a motorcycle without telling me. What bothers me most isn’t even the motorcycle itself, it’s that she did it behind my back while also saying she’s broke and still owing me rent.
She’s also been struggling lately with anxiety, overthinking, and mental health issues. She has a history of stuff running in the family, and lately she’s told me she feels like she’s actually going insane, and considering medicating for it. Part of me is trying to be understanding, But at the same time I feel frustrated that I’ve been helping support things financially and she makes a big purchase like this without even talking to me about it.
I’m not trying to control what she does, but the priorities and lack of communication are what bother me.
NTA. Are these symptoms of the mental health issue which runs in her family? Do you want to live the rest of your life wondering when she is going to make the next big ( and potentially financially runinous) decision without tou? It is time to have a frank discussion with her about your expectations concerning financial contributions and decision making.
It does run in the family, and it was never an issue until recently. The last month or so she’s been super on edge and anxious/paranoid and i’ve done nothing but support her, just for this to happen
NTA. I dated a divorced person newly moved to my town with small children in another country. The moment they had enough money they bought a motorcycle instead of going and seeing their kids. I never looked at them the same way afterwards.
I’m in my 50s and at my age I have learned to not invest in people who are draining of my energy, time, and money. These people are often extremely intelligent, charming and charismatic. They have to be, because they are essentially parasitic, even unconsciously. After dating some of them I now steer clear of them.
I’m sorry for your friend’s accident. Your GF can ride a motorcycle if she wants even if it makes you nervous, but her buying a motorcycle while she owes you money is irresponsible and immature. This is only going get worse not better. I would say cut your losses and end it. You need to take care of yourself and this person is bringing chaos into your life. Put yourself first and get out.
INFO: did she think transport (motorcycle) would help her to get a job
No, just because she “missed riding”
Ok Your anxiety about bikes are yours not hers however if the issue is about the finance then you are totally justified. Separate the 2 . She absolutely should prioritise paying her rent and that’s the problem. The bike anxiety is muddying the water
Is she getting help ? No she’s evidentially getting a motor cycle . You need to stop funding her life style so that she faces some hard choices that will hopefully make her sort her life out
That sounds like some majorly impulsive sending and a lack of financial accountability.
NTA
NTA
She’s a freeloader and will never pay her fair share. It’s not OK to make a big unnecessary expense if you owe someone else money, job or no job, anxiety pr no anxiety etc.
She will not change and stop being dependent on you ever if that’s her attitude and you keep paying. So if you’re OK to always financially support her for the rest of her life (because that’s how it looks like it will be), than that’s fair. If not than you have to start setting boundaries and not be her atm anymore.
For me that would be a deal breaker… but that is something you have to decide for yourself.
Red flags!!! 🚩. You need to analyze what qualities and attributes you are looking for in a life partner. Does she fit those requirements? She has financial priority differences, is not self sufficient, is totally fine about borrowing from you without any priority to repay, does not consider your feelings when making decisions. Are those things you want to live with for life? Behaviour is a language as Dr John (popular podcaster) says. If you are fine with them, don’t complain and accept them. Her mental health issues are not an excuse for those things and not a way to guilt trip you should you choose to end the relationship. Dating is meant to help you determine what you would like and not like in your life partner. It is not meant for you to find someone and feel obligated to put up with less than behaviour just because they are there. The adult thing to do is move on when you realize that person does not fit your ideals of a life partner.
NTA. She needs to get medical mental health care & give up the motorcycle for you guys to stay together.
If she has manual health problems you have a choice, either enjoy your life contending with her mental problems forever or distance yourself and live a normal peaceful Iife. My girlfriend had mental health issues, I married her. I divorced her after 20 years and 20 years after divorce we STILL live under same roof as she needs help doing things. If I had broken up with her 40+ years ago I would could have had such a different life but after a time together it’s difficult to abandon someone.
Welp, time for you to start digging deeper in your wallet, dude. You’re going to end up paying for more and more. Might as well relax and submit to reality as you know it.
ORRRR ……
You could decide that enough is enough and stop paying for her life. Send her home to mommy and daddy. Tell her when she gets help for her issues and is ready to be in a grown-up relationship, give you a call. Or not, because life goes on.
It’s up to you how your next chapter reads.