I have been having a lot of issues with my mother recently and I’m not sure how to address it without sounding cruel or selfish but here goes. My mother moved a about five years ago and she now lives about 4+ hours away from me and my husband (Texas) it’s a very difficult drive for me and and when I visit she’s not just asking for a couple of days she’ll literally ask for a two week stay, and I honestly hate it. She’s not asking me to visit or catch up or anything she needs help with my brother, he’s on long term hospice (two years now) and he’s bedridden and almost completely immobile he can lift one arm and use his hands but he can’t even lift his own head anymore, he’s dependent on my mother and other family members completely, feeding, water, suction, medication, it goes on and on and it is exhausting and I honestly do love my brother but after just one week of this I’m physically and mentally wrecked. My mother is a retired nurse and she wanted to take care of him herself and she has the mental ability to do this much better than myself but it’s gotten to the point where I hate going there because I know exactly what awaits me when I do go. She also has a terrible habit of calling me last minute and worse on holidays or special occasions which I’ve told her to never again expect me to drop plans for her ever again, she’s ruined a lot in the past but I’m not letting it happen anymore. My husband has weekends off and that’s when he and I spend our quality time together but that’s also when she needs me most because the nurse that helps her durning the week doesn’t come in on weekends. My older sister passed away (41) in October by the same illness my brother has and the same illness effects me but I take much better care of myself so I’m doing well but it still bugs me that she acts like I’m not hindered by this disease too and she only ever calls me when she needs me, I literally tense up seeing her name on my phone because I know exactly what its about “can you come over” it’s never to catch up or visit or spend quality time with my mom it’s just helping her take care of my brother and I just font want to do it anymore , I understand she’s got a lot on her plate after losing one daughter and slowly losing her son but how does that turn into exploiting your other kids? I hardly see her even when I’m there as I take the day shifts and she takes the night so I’m just free nursing care at this point I’m honestly I’m not qualified by any stretch of the imagination. Sorry for the long list I think I just needed to vent a little and can’t help but wonder if I’m a terrible daughter for not wanting to go to her place anymore.
NTA, and huge sympathy for a difficult situation, with no ‘good’ answers, only ‘bad’ and ‘worse’.
Where the ‘worse’ is continuing to do this to the detriment of your own health and marriage. I am guessing your mother was closer before she \*chose\* to move so far away? 4+h is not a ‘pop over to give me a hand’ distance. She’s asking you to provide full on respite care, in your own downtime from a full time job. You’re not the second parent.
You’ve already drawn the boundaries around the holidays, unfortunately it sounds like you are going to have to go all in and tell her that you are not coming over, period. If you aren’t going to the expense of travelling to her, could you offer financial support for her to hire someone so she can visit you, so you don’t lose contact completely? – which would give her a break, and hopefully you some proper ‘mom’ time.
NTAH And, you don’t need our permission. You need to give yourself permission.
“she wanted to take care of him herself” That was a decision that your mother made for herself. You have not made the decision for yourself that you must take care of him. And, your mother had no right to make that decision for you. Sometimes, it is better to let professionals do what they do best, and for family to do what they do best. Family visit, they remind their family members of home, they share memories, and bring news from the outside world. There are professionals who can change sheets and assist with other care. If you try too hard to do the job of professionals, you can be too tired to the do the job of family.
You are allowed to have a life of your own. You can decide for yourself what you expect from yourself with regards to your mother and your brother. You said it yourself – your mother is not wanting to visit you, she’s wanting free labor from you. And, you’ve given free labor, many times. If it’s making you miserable, then stop doing it. If you stop doing it, do not feel guilty about it. You stopped because it makes you miserable. Feeling guilty will just make you miserable again. You don’t have to be exhausted, guilty and miserable. You can just stop doing that to yourself. Make a decision and stick the landing. There are other ways to handle your brother’s situation. There was never any guarantee you’d be there. Who knows what direction your life might take? You might be overseas. Your mother should do what she would have done if you had not been there.
If you do want to help a little, then call her and tell her exactly what date you will be available. Go for two days – one weekend. Enough to help a little, and not too much to make you exhausted and miserable. Decide how many times a year you can do that – maybe twice a year or something. Or, tell your mother you will pay to hire an assistant for a couple weekends a year or whatever you can afford or want to do. Your mother can be at home, but have someone else doing the labor with her supervision, or she can leave for a bit. Just do the least that you can do without feeling bad. Maybe it’s nothing. You decide.
NTA – this is a terrible situation for all concerned, and I’m so sorry your going through this.
Your Mum is obviously grieving her daughter and what is inevitable going to happen to her son. Which is reason to be gentle with her, but not to give up your own health and life. I wonder if she has thought about or planned what her life will look like once your brother passess? If she hasn’t and is working so hard to avoid all the feelings she is possibly avoiding there could be an almighty mess once he goes.
You say long term hospice care, but it also sounds like your brother is at home with your Mum? I’m not sure how that works, but are there some other medical professionals involved, maybe a support group? If so it might be a good idea to chat with them and layout that you need to take a step back for your own health before you tell your Mum. That way there are others around her who knows what is going on, and you can look after your own health without the guilt of feeling everything’s on you.
I do hope you can keep on looking after yourself. Big hugs from this Mum. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to stop. You deserve time to heal.
Nah
You want more from your mom and she can’t give it.
You can’t support her as her second child dies.
I’m taking a stab here and assuming Huntingtons?
You both need to give each other grace. She needs to understand to can’t handle the physical or emotional demands of caring for your brother and aren’t willing to give up time you have for it.
You need to appreciate she is watching her child die and would/will give up herself to care for you the same way.
If I’m correct on the disease you are describing, also appreciate that your anger is an aspect of the disease.
You are both dealing with something horrific in the only way that works for you.
Edit – Sent before done typing
NTA, but neither is your mother. Reduce the number of days you’re there, and look into what support your mother can receive, so she can also have regular time off. Maybe a paid carer can come in on some days? Both of you are overworking yourselves right now.
NTA. As others have said, she made this choice for herself. Not everyone is physically or emotionally able to care for others in this way. It is very demanding.
It sounds like maybe your mum needs some respite care? That she’s calling you when she hits a wall and needs some rest. Whilst that’s totally understandable (it’s got to be exhausting for her too), she is going about it the wrong way.
It was her choice, so she needs to be able to take responsibility for it. She needs to recognise that she needs breaks. She needs to plan for alternative care for your brother so she can have proper breaks (possibly including some “proper” mother-daughter time with you for fun too!). And she needs to plan ahead – book in regular slots so she doesn’t get burnt out and hit walls and have to call you.
She may not want to do this – she may feel she is the only one who can take the best care of your brother, she may feel you’re the best alternative. She can’t take care of him if she’s burnt out, and choosing you as an alternative is not her choice to make. It’s yours, and back to my beginning point: not everyone can do what she’s doing and that’s perfectly ok.
You’re NTA. Right now, she’s not either. But she does need some help recognising her limitations and coming up with a suitable alternative. I think it’s time to have an open and honest, gentle and firm conversation with her about how this situation is affecting both of you.
NAH
No asshole here. You are NTA for protecting your own boundaries, but your mom is also NTA for being desperate for help in her solitude and grief and very taxing task of taking care of your brother alone. She’s NTA for asking for help.
This is a terrible situation all round. I’m imagining that if you were the sick one, your mum would be taking care of you, rather than having you in a hospice. I honestly take my hat off to her. It can’t be easy emotionally, or physically. It must be exhausting, but she wants to be there for her kid. I think she deserves help from family. She didn’t cause this disease/condition. If you have it too, it must be unsettling to see your brother in the position he’s in. Is that maybe part of the issue? I think your anger towards your mum is misdirected, NTA, but please don’t stop visiting your mum over this, she’s had things hard enough.
I think the thing to do is to tell your mother, clearly and directly, that you appreciate how much she’s taken on, and how much you can see she needs to get some respite care for your brother to take the strain off her. But that you are not physically, or in terms of your skill set, able to provide that respite care again, ever, not even for an hour.
Ask her what you and your siblings can do to help her find (and perhaps help pay for if that’s feasible) the respite care that she needs. If your siblings are on the same page, perhaps you can all approach her together. Ask her if the social worker at the hospital where he’s treated, his primary physician, or state or local social work services could be helpful resources in getting respite coverage for her.
Then let her know that while you’d like to visit with her and spend time with her when she has that respite care, you can’t come to provide day shift, night shift, or any sort of coverage; that that has to be provided by an outside person.
If your mother refuses this and insists she’s going to do it herself (meaning she still thinks you should be providing care), should you decide to visit, find yourself a motel or an air b&b and bring in lunch or dinner, leaving after the meal or as soon as you’re asked to cover, repeating that as you told her before, you can’t provide any coverage but you’ll be glad to help her find coverage.
Sadly, this might turn out to be a very short visit.
You’re not a bad person or a bad daughter. It’s a horrible situation and you’ve been put in an untenable position. You get to extricate yourself. You get to make a different choice than your mother made.
NTA