I’m not sure why I’m writing this, maybe just to get it out. It’s been bottled up for a long time and I don’t really know how to deal with it anymore.
I’m 29m in a loving relationship with my partner (22m, we’ll call him P). We’ve been together just over two years. It wasn’t planned, it just sort of happened when I needed it to.
Before this I was in a 10-year long-distance open relationship with M. Around COVID I was pretty lonely and used Grindr. I met A and we hit it off. Over the next few years we had a friends-with-benefits situation while I was still with M. Everyone supposedly knew everything; it was meant to be built on honesty.
During this time I also started developing feelings for a work colleague (J), which is somewhat relevant.
By the end of 2022 things were mostly back to normal. I was still seeing A, still with M, and still had a bit of a crush on J. I even told J to give me a reason not to go visit M, but he didn’t, which was fair since he’d only recently become single. So I went to see M.
While visiting I found out M had been lying about quite a lot. He’d started dating someone else and had also been hooking up with others without telling me. Some people might wonder how that counts as cheating in an open relationship, but ours relied on honesty, which he clearly wasn’t giving. His friends didn’t even know I existed until a week before my visit.
I stayed for three weeks and then left. A couple of months later I ended things because I couldn’t trust him anymore.
During those months I saw A a few times. The last time he told me he’d started seeing someone. That was when I realised that all the drama with M and even my feelings for J didn’t really matter. I cared about A much more than I’d let myself admit. Looking back, he’d dropped hints for years and I was too oblivious to notice.
After that I stopped seeing A and drifted away from J. Ironically, M had introduced me to a new group of friends that I stayed close with.
At the end of 2023 I met P. We clicked straight away and have been together since. I love him a lot. He’s incredibly sweet, it’s his first relationship, and I genuinely see a future with him.
But here’s where I might be the arsehole. Occasionally I still message A just to see how he’s going and whether his relationship is still going. I don’t really have any intention of seeing him, but P doesn’t know that I message him.
It’s not that I don’t love P, because I truly do. But there are still some feelings for A, and I don’t know how to fully let that go. I’ve been able to move on from other friendships and falling-outs, but for some reason this one is harder.
YTA. Leave P alone so he can find someone who actually cares about him, can you imagine how he’s going to feel when he realises you’re still hung up on your ex?
You’re stringing him along and it’s cruel. You need to seek therapy, not contact with your ex. You’re having an emotional affair with someone who doesn’t want you.
YTA. You’re lying to P. You’re treating him like a possible plan B in case A wants to take you back. You need to stop. It doesn’t matter how you feel. You just don’t take action on it and eventually the feeling will fade. Else you leave P and then you’re free to message A as much as you want. You don’t get to keep P and yet talk to A because you’re afraid of being lonely if A doesn’t want you and P leaves.
Litr 2 years with poor P and he’s treating him like M treated op
So you’re kinda toeing the line but essentially doing the same thing M did to you. Quit it. Just cut them off. Or you’ll ruin stuff with sweet P and keep living in a shadow of your previous partners and seeing if you can get their attention again
YTA – you have now become M how does that feel, tell P and stop leading him on, you can’t love him if your still checking, the relationship status of A
YTA and you need to let A go and talk to P about what is going on because at this point you’re just leading P on.
See you clearly are looking to be non-monogamous because you want both. If A becomes available you’ll jump at the chance. What a long winded way to say “I message the guy I used to fuck behind my partners back aita” yes, yes you are. Thought you cared about honesty?
I say this with kindness but come on—you know the answer. Imagine how you would feel being in P’s shoes. And you even have relevant experience to pull from with M! You know what you’re doing is wrong or you wouldn’t be asking. YTA
Be honest with P, but more importantly with yourself.
YTA. Messaging someone you admit you still have feelings for behind your partner’s back is basically emotional cheating territory. You may not intend anything, but intention doesn’t matter as much as transparency.
YTA
you’re literally doing teh exact thing M did to you, just in a different flavor. keeping A on the back burner while telling yourself it’s harmless is still dishonest to P, and honestly it’s unfair to both of them. you gotta pick a lane here, either commit to P fully or stop wasting his time