My brother and I have always struggled to get along.
When we were kids we didn’t hangout together or have much in common or talk to each other. We were both at fault for our bad relationship.
In adulthood, I’ve tried really really hard to reverse this. I’ve invited my brother to visit me, I’ve offered to visit him, I try and take an interest in his life, have conversations, and I call him. To his credit, he’s become a lot more civil towards me in adulthood, and we can have a conversation. But he still tends to be dismissive towards me, impatient with me, and acts like I’m bothering him if the conversation isn’t about a topic he’s passionate about. It made me feel like he only engages with me out of obligation to appease our parents rather than genuine desire for connection.
This was confirmed when he told me he doesn’t consider me a friend, and doesn’t feel an obligation to be my friend. This really hurt because it made me realize that he doesn’t ever want me close to him. It made it difficult to find energy to want to engage with him because- what’s the point?
I elected to stop going to visit my parents if he is there, and my parents are beginning to catch on. My mother recently asked me about it and I gave her a white lie that I’m busy. But I can’t keep up the gig forever. Eventually I’m going to have to tell them the truth- that I feel like my relationship with my brother is broken, that no matter what I try and do I can’t fix it, and it’s better if I’m not around him.
Does this make me an asshole?
NTA Your needs are valid and should be respected. It wouldn’t be right for your parents to force you to be around someone who dislikes you and who drains your mental energy when you’re around them due to that. Granted, if it’s a big event – such as a bday party for your parents or renewal of marriage vows ceremony – than you should still go even when your brother is there. But for just a regular visit, choosing to wait for when your brother is absent is perfectly reasonable.
NTA. Tell your parents the truth. What is the point of telling them. “white” lies? If you are not honest then you parents may think that they are the problem or that you are the problem. Make plans to visit when your brother is not visiting. Hopefully they can respect your decision. I’m sure most parents want thier kids to get along but life doesn’t always work out the way we want.
Drop the rope and stop trying to fix something that your brother doesn’t want fixed.
Not an AH, but maybe a coward. You’re entitled to choose your peace, but nothing you’ve stated suggests that he’s actively trying to disrupt that. Have some boundaries, minimize your interactions, but don’t let whatever opinion he has of you affect your other relationships. It’s not fair to yourself or others you have a relationship with.
Hell, no. NTA.
But tell your parents the truth.
I told my family the truth. I have a very large family, which includes one sister I don’t get on with, for reasons I won’t go into here.
During COVID lockdown, when my family could get together only rarely or not at all, I suddenly realized how much less stressful my life was when I never saw my sister. Sure, I missed the rest of the family, but there were other ways to catch up with them, such as in very small groups of two or three people, or via video calls.
So when COVID restrictions ended and we were able to get together again, I made a decision: I was not going to be in the same room as my sister if I could help it.
I am prepared to make an exception for weddings, funerals, and any gathering sufficiently large (e.g. 30 people or more) that I can stay well out of her way and not have to see her or talk to her. But if you’re inviting 8 or 10 or so of us over for dinner, and the guest list includes her, then count me out.
I told my family that. I made it clear to them: you don’t have to stop seeing her. You can plan whatever you want and invite whoever you want, including her. But if you’re planning to invite me as well, then do me the courtesy of letting me know she will be there, so I can decline.
They are OK with that. Most of them don’t like her either, but they tolerate her. She’s the missing stair that everyone walks around. They roll their eyes and say “Oh, that’s the way she is. She’s always been like that. She won’t change. Just give in, to keep the peace.” I reached a point where I wasn’t prepared to tolerate her behavior any more.
And I can tell you, life has become a LOT more peaceful. I haven’t seen her for several years now, and I don’t have to make up excuses such as “I’m busy that day” for not going to events if she will be there.
I still get to see everyone else, usually in small-group gatherings. Yeah, I sometimes miss out on slightly larger ones, but I’m an introvert anyway and that doesn’t bother me much.
I do not speak to or visit with my sister unless the family has gathered. And honestly, it’s been best this way. I can catch up with her when I see her, have whatever simple niceties that make my parents happy, and then not talk until the next family gathering. Makes it so I don’t have to avoid her if she’s at my parents.
I wouldn’t necessarily say go visit all the time he’s there but if there’s important events, don’t cut them all out because of him. You let him lord over you if you do.
What does your brother not wanting a relationship have to do with your parents? If your brother is there just don’t talk to him?
There is a lot of room between “he doesn’t want to be a close friend” and “I won’t go to my parents’ house if he is there”. Because you are choosing the nuclear reaction, YTA. Respect his boundary, mourn that you won’t have a close sibling relationship, make peace with what you have (a civil surface relationship) and move on. There is no need to go scorched earth and NC for this. The fact that this is your instinct might point to part of the problem. Take a deep breath, put it in perspective and move on.
YTA kinda. Just go and be civil. My best friend was like this with his brother. Once they were both in their thirties it improved. Now they talk every week. This is because they had the shared experience of growing up in the same house.
I’m gonna say NAH I guess but maybe ESH or YTA. I’m torn. You decided you wanted to fundamentally change the tenor of the relationship without his input. He decided that he didn’t want to be closer. He doesn’t have to be close because you want to. Avoiding him is the opposite of what you originally wanted. You even said that you have gotten slightly closer. But now you want to undo that? So do you actually want to be closer? I guess I don’t understand your motivations. Is no relationship better then a casual acquaintance style relationship at shared events?
NTA
This doesn’t make you an asshole at all. I think society has normalized this fantasy that family is everything and that we must love each other despite everything. That blood is thicker than water and family sticks together. It doesn’t have to.
We absolutely need to stop normalizing engaging with family just because they’re family. You should engage because you want to. He has no interest in you or having a relationship with you. That is helpful information. Now you can be honest with your parents about it. Say you’re not making them choose; you’re simply not interested in seeing them when he’s around and you won’t be attending family events if he’s there because you don’t want to.
You and I may be in the minority among Redditors commenting here, but I agree with you.
I’m now in my sixties, and so is the sister I don’t get along with (see my separate comment on this page).
The older I get, and the fewer the years that are left to me in this life, the more I am inclined to think: life is too short to spend it with people you really dislike JUST because they’re related to you.
I’ve started to view family members the way I view my friends. Do I like this person? Do I care about them? Do I respect them? Do they exhibit qualities which I think are important, such as kindness and compassion? Do they make me feel good when I’m with them, or at least not make me feel bad? Do I look forward to being in their company, and miss them when they’re not around?
If the answer to all of those is no – as in the case of my sister – then I don’t think the fact that I’m related to her should carry any weight. I would never choose her as a friend, I would not have chosen her as a sister if I’d had any say in it, and I don’t see why I should spend my precious remaining years or months or days in the company of someone I actively dislike. “But faaaaaaamily!” isn’t a good enough reason.
If that’s an unpopular opinion, so be it.
Yes.
You are using it as an excuse to avoid your parents. Why do you care if he is there? Because he hurt your feelings?
It’s your younger brother who you ignored, and probably mistreated when you were kids. Now you are butt hurt because he doesn’t want to be your friend. Grow up. He is still your brother and your parents child.
You don’t have to be friends- just civil and at least cordial.
Move on
NAH you’re not friends. That’s ok. That doesn’t mean you two can’t be in the same space, but you’re simply not friends. There’s nothing wrong with that, he doesn’t have to car or want to be more than two people who happen to be related. But it is time for you to grow up about it and talk to your parents about it and go see them.
what does your parents have to do anything? Go visit for your parents and ignore your brother.