I (21F) told my Mum (57F) I would take her out for her birthday tomorrow for breakfast as I will be working when her birthday dinner is happening.
I asked her if she wanted for the cafe/restaurant to be a surprise or if she wanted to pick it herself. She said she would have a think about it and a couple of minutes later she said she wanted to try out a cafe in our neighbourhood that was quite well known. I was bit shocked about this as my friend (23M) of 16 years who has a disability previously ‘volunteered’ there (illegally) under the guise he would eventually be given a paid position which in turn never happened.
My Mum knows that I don’t like this cafe for this reason and when I asked why she wanted to go after what happened with ‘John’ she just said John was silly enough to work there for almost a year unpaid. I kinda snapped here and said it was horrible that she said that because they were taking advantage of a vulnerable person who at time was also a teen at the time. – I also had heard of other employees who were legally employed not being paid on time and not being paid incorrectly I told my Mum this as well.
I said to her that I don’t feel comfortable going to this cafe and that she can pick anywhere else but I don’t want to spend my money somewhere that doesn’t pay their staff. She said to me that I was being controlling and that she was going to go to the cafe herself tomorrow if I wasn’t going to take her. I suggested to her that she go another time if she was that insistent on going but because it was her birthday i would really like to take her out for breakfast. She said that the only place she wanted to go was there.
I don’t personally believe I am being controlling/TA but maybe I am? Do you guys have any advice on what to do? Do I just suck it up and go to the cafe to keep my mum happy or am I being reasonable and putting up a boundary? Any advice would be appreciated !
TL;DR
My mum doesn’t want to go out for breakfast with me for her birthday anymore because I don’t want to go to the cafe she chose because they took advantage and didn’t pay my friend who has a disability.
so has the cafe been investigated.?
Slight YTA. I get it, in fact I completely agree with your reasoning for not wanting to go there and give them your business. But this is not about you and your preferences. This is about what she wants. She even said she’d go without you but no, you want to take her to breakfast so you insist on having things your way. What else would you call that other than controlling? Is it a serious or intense form of being controlling? No. But it is still in that ball park.
What you should do here is say that if she insists on going there for her birthday breakfast then you can do something else with her. It is ok to say you won’t go there, but not ok for you to insist she go somewhere else.
You two have each found a lil hill to die on…yours is to not treat people like slaves…your mothers is to not make a big deal out of slavery. I think she’ll be fine going there on her own. She’s had plenty of birthdays to not be this way and has made a choice that she’d rather support bs than have a nice breakfast with her child. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
I’m gonna go with ESH – it’s shit that your mom is overlooking the cafe’s obviously terrible practices while also downplaying your friend’s experience as a vulnerable teen who really SHOULD have had an adult looking out for him. That said, while you are perfectly within reason not to go to the cafe yourself, you can’t exactly tell your mom she can’t go. You asked where she wanted to go on her birthday, and she told you, even letting you know that she was more than happy to go by herself. You’re allowed to have the boundary of not paying for or going to a place you dislike, just as much as she’s allowed to go there on her own regardless if she’s an a-hole for it.
Now if she holds this over your head from here on, she’ll definitely be the bigger a-hole in the long run. Just like you shouldn’t push her to do what you want, she can’t do it to you, either. Maybe just settle for getting her a nice birthday gift and maybe a dinner at some point.
I’m realising that when looking at the comments I came across as the asshole when I said for her to come out for breakfast with me despite she wanted to go by herself- I guess I just suggested that as I wanted to spend the day with her but you guys are right it’s her day and she should be able to pick where she wants to go
NTA
She can choose another place, this is not the hill to die on. Does she care about spending time with you on a special day or not?
Maybe try communicating a bit more. Try to stay calm and acknowledge that you told her to choose and then took it away, but it’s because of an important principle you have, not because of something she did. Maybe she felt attacked, judged and rejected and doesn’t know how to handle it.
It’s her b-day so it’s important to make sure she feels special, but that doesn’t mean you have to compromise on your principles. I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving my money to a business that took advantage of a vulnerable person either, so I get where you’re coming from.
Oh boy. Mom said where she wanted to go. You know the place did shady unethical work practices. May I suggest you file a report with the appropriate authorities and put some pressure on this cafe for its hiring practices? Then take mom knowing you reported management?
YTA – you told her to pick and then didn’t like her choice. If this cafe was so bad you or your friend or any of those other employees should have reported it. I get you don’t want to spend your money there out of loyalty to your friend but it’s pretty shitty to put limitations after allowing your mum from reign.
I came here ready to say YTA, but I don’t think so.
Well done on not compromising your ethics. I’m disappointed in your mum for not praising your social conscious.
NTA, and well done for standing up for both your friends, and disabled people.
NTA
Yeah, it was her choice, but it’s also a gift that you’re giving her. I’m not sure why she is insisting on a place she knows will make you unhappy if she can guilt you into going. You are perfectly within bounds by suggesting that you rescind your offer and will get her a gift instead.
Her accusing you of controlling behavior is rich. Do you guys have a good relationship, because I can’t imagine me and my mom having an exchange like this.
NTA and it’s mainly because I’m positive you would’ve qualified “choose a place” with “except for that cafe where they exploit teens for months on end for profit” if you had any inkling she apparently doesn’t mind supporting a shit place like that.
It’s her bday sure, but she’s still being spiteful for some unknown reason.
There’s more to this than she’s saying because that’s clearly rubbing salt in the wound. I would assume she doesn’t want to spend her bday with you and that’s why she picked it.
Let her spend her bday how she wants. You don’t have to go with her.
NTA. I think it’s great you are sticking to your morals on this one. You know you would never support the cafe after the way your friend was treated. Your Mum is being selfish. I would stand my ground.
NTA. It being her birthday doesn’t mean you have to compromise your ethics. I find it bizarre that she has decided to draw this line in the sand over birthday breakfast.
I have a restaurant in town that outright defrauded me in a business deal. Owe me for product they purchased and refused to pay. Not worth pursuing legally but still annoys the hell out of me.
If a family member insisted we go there, and wouldn’t change their mind after I told them why I won’t…. I’d say “enjoy your birthday dinner, but I won’t be there”.
That was over a few hundred bucks……Defrauding a disabled friend is a level 100x as bad.
Good for you standing up for a friend and your mom is 100% TA in this situation for making a big deal out of this and not picking another venue.