My father in law has never been a huge fan of me. Especially since I “stole” his son away and moved him in with me in my city about 5 hours from where his dad lives. Well we got engaged and told his father and he said verbatim “you’re not ready, most people get married in their late 30’s. Besides women are crazy and good ones are far and few in between. She’s going to divorce you and take half your money.” And loads of other garbage like that. He by the way, did not attend our wedding. So it’s safe to say I have no respect for him and he has none for me.
I also do not understand his father’s need to control almost every aspect of my husband’s life especially when his father was a deadbeat and didn’t bother meeting his son until he was 15 years old. He never approved of us dating because “he doesn’t know me” but also would not allow my husband to date or leave the house often to see me (he was 18 when we started dating) so we had to keep it a secret until he moved out of his fathers and into my house. And he even started making bets about how long me and my husband would last.
My husband and I found out I am 2 months pregnant. We are so excited about this as it’s been something we’ve wanted for a while. I started the discussion that I don’t feel comfortable letting his father around our child if he can’t even respect me as the mother. We argued for a while about it due to his fear of creating even more tension but he finally understood where I was coming from. Well the rest of his family is having a field day. But I feel like I do not owe anybody anything especially if they can’t even treat me kindly, or check on me during this rough pregnancy. My main concern is I do not feel like it would be right to subject my child to their grandfather spewing hatred about their mother.
Am I the asshole??
NTAH. It is very important everything is as stable as it can get now.
NTA. Protecting your baby from a verbally abusive, disrespectful relative is a key part of good parenting.
NTA. If the FIL can’t respect you, what’s to say he won’t treat the baby the same way, or decide to badmouth you in front of your kid? Nah, set the boundaries from the beginning so you won’t have any headaches later.
Careful ESH. Your FIL is an a\*\* for his behavior, but you will also be if you won’t give him a chance of redemption. So instead of going *”he’ll never see my child because he has been an a\*\*”*, you could understandably go “*for me to be comfortable with him spending time with our child, I’d need to sit down with him and have a conversation about his past behavior towards me”*.
Besides, this isn’t just about you and him. This is about the child having grandparents. Your kid will definitely have something to say when they’re older, if they figure out you blocked them from seeing their grandparents for a personal vendetta.
NTA I think it would be good if your husband had a very compact way to tell his family what the situation is. “Dad has a clear path for involvement with my family. He has to treat my wife with basic respect and refrain from saying rude and hurtful things. If he can’t be genuinely kind he has to be civil. As to date he refuses to do this he is being his own worst enemy. I am not going to allow my wife to be treated badly or my child to grow up seeing family treat his mother that way. None of this is unreasonable and none of this is up for negotiation.”
NTA
NTA but I think you should consider counseling with your husband. He is being described as a passive player in this mellow-drama and its important you’re aligned and united in parenting decisions. If your FIL did his job as a father, the points about him being important for a relationship for family history is flimsy because that should be able to come from your husband if his family legacy is THAT important.
FIL sounds controlling and emotionally dependent on your husband if he feels you stole his son. Instead of supporting the ADULT he raised in moving forward with life and being capable of making his own life choices and decisions, he’s accusing you of taking the puppet strings from him.
Your husband needs to be empowered and supported. He needs to be able to have a say when it comes to your children together, but you need to be able to trust him. He can’t be a yo-yo between you and his dad.
You have a right to protect you and your baby, but get ahead of the long-term issues that can come from his. If your husband can learn to set boundaries with his father and protect you, then extended family noise can more easily be shut down or navigated.
My husband doesn’t really like his father that much to be honest. He was a deadbeat for most of his life and is very controlling. The whole reason he didn’t want us to not allow him around our child was because of the fact it would create more tension. But I get where you’re coming from.
He doesn’t like his father but he’s willing to sacrifice you and your child’s well-being to keep the peace with extended family… You can support your husband without enabling him. He needs to understand he’s responsible, though, for your involvement within his family of origin. He needs to be able to protect you so you can trust he’ll protect your child as well. You ser boundaries with him and as long as he loves and respects you more than fearing the judgement of others, it’ll be fine.
But what if the pressure gets to him and he let’s his father see the baby behind your back?
If you disrespect a parent, you don’t get access to their child. The only way it happens is if the counterpart parent allows it to happen due to the exercise of their own parental rights. Which is a test of their character and how they protect the family they created.
NTA if anyone is disrespectful to/about the child’s parents they don’t need to be around the child. When I was a kid my dad’s parents would talk shit on my mom and it would really upset me a lot, as a preteen I told my mom I didn’t want to be around them anymore and wasn’t. Save your child the trouble by setting the boundaries now.
I hear you. I’d love to prevent my in-laws from seeing my kids and me as well, but that’s just not how marriage works. Your husband is also the parent of your child and gets a say in who sees their child. Edited to add that this should be the case when there is no abuse. If there is, that’s different.
Not to invalidate your opinion, but you’re also brewing some seriously ancient and powerful hormones designed to keep humanity from dying out due to you (and every other mom) from leaving needy babies behind. Biologically-speaking, you are supposed to be identifying potential threats to your child and morphing your entire identity into mom. It’s a big job and I remember my subconscious rifling through old mental files of experiences I’d long forgotten and declaring a whole list of people unwelcome because they’d once made me feel embarrassed. It’s a fun time.
Hear me out: set boundaries with your husband and father-in-law, FIL will have his access to baby limited if he can’t stop saying stupid things and your husband needs to step up and keep his dad in line if he wants his dad to see his child more than once a year.
INFO: I’m curious as to how old you both are. That would definitely impact my opinion on how unreasonable your FILs comments are.
Not sure why what you want overrides what you husband wants. Seems like he’s gone from a father with a need to control everything to a wife with a need to control everything.
INFO: What’s the age difference between you and your husband? What is it about you that his father had a bee in his bonnet about?