I (25F) am currently on a holiday in Japan with my best friend (23F). We’ve been here for about three weeks already, and the trip is supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience for both of us.
The issue is that almost every single day, my friend breaks down crying about how she thinks she’s fat. I try to reassure her, comfort her, and be supportive, but it keeps happening over and over. It’s gotten to the point where she’s bailing on plans we’ve already made because she feels too upset about her body to go out.
Last night was kind of my breaking point. We were already out, and she suddenly started crying in public, saying she felt fat and wanted to go home immediately. I felt frustrated and emotionally drained because this has become a pattern, and I’m constantly ending up in the role of therapist instead of enjoying the trip I paid for.
I understand body image issues are real and painful, and I do feel bad for her but I didn’t sign up to manage daily emotional breakdowns on a holiday. I’m starting to feel resentful because my experience is being shaped around her distress, and I feel guilty for wanting to just… enjoy myself.
I haven’t blown up at her or said anything cruel, but internally I’m really over it and don’t feel capable of continuing to provide this level of emotional support every day. She usually calls her boyfriend for support but even he has started to not answer her calls which only fuels her sadness
AITA for feeling this way and not wanting to keep comforting her when it keeps affecting our plans and the trip?
NTA. overseas holidays are precious and it’s devastating when they get derailed. Sounds like your friend has some serious issues to address and needs to do that herself. She should probably consider flying home early so you can at least enjoy the rest of the trip like you planned.
Is she always this way? If not, what about this vacation spurred this behavior?
NTA, I’d go out and let her wallow in her misery.
It’s probably because Japan has one of the lowest obesity rates in the world. Almost no one is overweight there.
Overweight friend (if she actually is) may be having a crisis because she tried to purchase clothes whilst shopping in Japan.
Good luck with that. I’m 5’3, and a size 10 (so a wee bit plump). In S.Korea and Japan I am considered huuuuuge.
5’9” and 220 lbs. I certainly stood out in a crowd. They don’t have plus size stores in Japan. Everything is built for normal Japanese size people. My legs hung off the hotel bed. There were not slippers available for my huge feet. However, they are incredibly polite and accommodating to American visitors. Your friend is ruining the experience for both of you.
“what about this vacation spurred this behavior?”
It’s Japan. It’s not remotely fat-friendly. My guess would be she’s aware she’s getting started at and talked about, and that’s really hard to deal with.
NTA. The fact that her boyfriend has started disengaging is a signal that this level of reassurance seeking is overwhelming for others, not that you’re uniquely lacking empathy.
You need to have a serious conversation with her to set some boundaries. That you can sympathize with her but you’re starting to become emotionally exhausted. That she’s free to remain inside or leave activities early if that’s what she wishes but you’re going to explore because this is a unique opportunity. Sometimes you need to put yourself first and that doesn’t make you a bad person.
I have traveled with enough friends to learn not to travel with friends. NTA
three weeks and counting too!
Like, I only have a handful of friends, and I’d be fine travelling for a weekend with almost all of them. But three weeks non-stop? Allthemoreso if it’s a “let’s save some money and share a hotelroom” type of deal.
NTA, she’s being annoying. All you want is to enjoy your vacation and she’s not letting you do that. Her feelings are valid, but so are yours, and you haven’t even acted on your irritation in a cruel way. You should politely communicate your feelings to her in an attempt to salvage the trip and your friendship before inevitable resentment builds.
This matters less, but is she actually overweight?
She’s ruining your holiday, whether she intends to or not. I would try to talk directly but gently with her and tell her how worried you are about her mental health, and ask her what has triggered these episodes.
You can tell her that it’s ruining your holiday because you don’t know how to help her, and she’s getting worse.
Tell her that it’s clear to you that her level of distress requires psychological intervention from a professional, and you want to help her access that support when you both return from overseas.
Tell her that you love her and accept her as she is but want her to be happy emotionally and feel comfortable and safe in her body. Then ask her if she’d be more comfortable flying home early (you shouldn’t fly home early though!)
NTA. Leave her to wallow, and when she’s out and wants to go back, say “okay, see you later” and head off to do your own thing. Like goddamn, every day for three weeks? She’s basically set fire to all the money you paid to appreciate being in Japan.
I hope she gets over this for your friendship’s sake. I ended up feeling like you when a former friend of mine broke up with her first real BF and called me daily to cry about it. At some point I just got empathy fatigue or something and stopped caring and dreaded her calls (which I could not even screen because this was in like 2003 with a landline and no caller ID).
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time, OP. You’re both on the younger side, so maybe you don’t have enough context to recognize that your friend is really seriously not ok and needs help.
Your friend needs to go home, and see a doctor as soon as possible. Anxiety about your body to the point of crying every day is not normal, and she doesn’t need to be in this much pain all of the time.
I understand you want to enjoy yourself. Put your friend on a plane, tell a close friend or her parents what’s going on, and you can support her via text once she’s home. The current situation is horrible for everyone involved.
The irony of going to a country famous for its low obesity rates while having body image issues isn’t lost on me, and I very much doubt it’s lost on her. Maybe she went on the trip to feel better about herself but backfired hard due to self-sabotage? Either way, NTA.