Hi everyone, I’m just looking for some outside perspective because I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here.
My boyfriend (22M) and I (22F) recently moved into a rental together. It was mostly my idea to move in, but we both agreed and we split rent 50/50. I also tend to handle most of the household stuff (cleaning, organizing, cooking, keeping things running, etc.)he does the laundry, but financially we contribute equally.
I’m in uni and I have a group assignment with three other girls. We were planning to meet up one night to work on it and have a few drinks while we do. Nothing crazy, just 4 of us total. I suggested we do it at my place, and I purposely chose a night my boyfriend is working so we wouldn’t disturb him.
When I mentioned it to him, he immediately said “no.” I asked why and he basically said, “Because I don’t want people I don’t know in my house.” That was pretty much the only reason he gave. I kept asking why and he just said “iv told you” then became a bit distant.
I was honestly caught off guard. I said they’re my uni friends and it’s my house too. And he countered with “I pay rent to it’s also my house” He just repeated that he doesn’t want people he doesn’t know here.
For me, having a few friends over occasionally feels like a totally normal thing to do when you live somewhere. Especially since: It’s only 4 people, It’s not a party, He won’t even be home, We both pay equal rent, and our place is clean.
I didn’t expect him to react like that, and now I feel weird like I need permission to have friends over in my own home and now I feel bad to cancel because they are kinda new friends (of which I don’t have many)
At the same time, I don’t want to be dismissive if this is some kind of boundary thing for him.
Am I overreacting for thinking this is unreasonable? How do couples normally handle guests when they live together? Is this a red flag or just a communication issue?
Any advice appreciated.
EDIT: thanks I really appreciate everyone’s reply’s, I want to point out also that I am in no way ever concerned for my safety before anyone brings that up.
So I tried to talk with him again to understand why. I do want to note that he said he’s fine with my other two friends (one of which came over the other night, he has not met but I have been friends with for years) he said the same thing thing and kept saying I don’t care for his feelings because I keep brining it up and why can’t I just respect his decision.
Some quotes:“It’s like I’m some second citizen in this house, whey can’t you just talk to me. Why did you make plans before talking to me, do I not get a f\*\* say in my own house. Why am I even here. This is a partnership we are ment to be partners, why can’t you respect what I want”
He asked “what if I were to have my friends over a night you weren’t here” I said that’s fine ofc why would I care. He said why can’t we just do it someone else and is upset I didn’t ask him before making plans but it was just kind of spur of the moment.
He also brought up that he was just never used to having people over at his family home, I was the only person he’d every really invited over, his family wasn’t super ‘social’ so that can make sense why he’s protective.
I feel a lot of this sounds worse typing out than it does during the moment. I need to find a way to talk to him about why he feels uncomfortable without going in circles of “but why but why”, I can have a hard time figuring out why people feel the way they do without an explanation, he can be vague. I just didn’t think he would care this much ahhh
Anyway I feel I’m just gonna have to cancel or ask my friends to go somewhere else, I don’t wana bring it up again because he doesn’t hold grudges and has gone back to being sweet
Girl, that’s the reddest of flags. Love that he waited for you to sign a lease before springing it on you. Get out and get out fast. NTA
Yep, abusers usually wait until they have ‘trapped’ you to show their true self
NTA
you doing the chores is already a big red flag.
You also should be able to have guests over.
I simply would have friends over anyway.
NTA. That’s a reasonable request and I do think it’s a bit of a red flag there. However, if his only reasoning is that he doesn’t know them, then have him meet them prior to them coming over. IMO, it sounds like this might be the beginning of “keeping you all to himself” and it needs to be addressed.
NTA – the deepest shade of red flag imaginable!
Either he needs to articulate his issues precisely and take steps to overcome them or you need to tell him to stop moaning and have your friends over anyway.
NTA, but you will be if you stay with him. Get out and get out now. You do most of the work and he has the nerve to tell you you can’t have friends over, not even when he’s not there? Please tell me you’re not missing this enormous red flag. GET OUT.
Agreed. He’s an adult. He can clean and remember to take out the trash without bring reminded like a 5 yr old. You’re not a wife but even if you were wouldn’t you want to be in a 50-50 relationship? Personally I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior. “I already told you” feels dismissive to me. From someone who is a lot older than you, it will take A LOT of work to get him to grow up and take his 50% of the live-in responsibilities. They say girls mature faster than boys and this seems to be a perfect example. I’m sorry.
NTA, you contribute a lot more if you do most of the chores while he only works and pays half of the bills. and for contributing less he wants to have a say if you might have friends over, even if they are all girls.
Do you really want to keep a bf who contributes less but thinks he can tell you what to do? you would be far better off with a roommate.
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Tell him he misunderstood: you are not asking permission, you are telling him about your night.
NTA he’s being very unreasonable. Also, did you notice that he dismissed your explanation without even giving you a chance? Seems like a “my way or the highway” type of guy. If I were you, I’d sit down and flat out tell him that you aren’t going to tolerate someone controlling your life. I’d watch out for future behavior like this.
NTA
you wouldn’T allow a roommate to be that controlling. So tell him he does not get to decide that.
Sounds like you might need to break up.
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This looks like the start of “Controlling and Coercive Behaviour”.
NTA, but you need to reconsider this relationship. His attitude is unlikely to get better
Are you desperate, OP? Terrified of being alone? Why else would you settle for this asshole behavior? You’re already doing most of the chores, have to pester your BF to do the bare minimum, can’t have friends over without him having a tantrum… is this really the life you want for yourself? Spoiler alert – he will never improve; this will only get worse.
Sounds like you routinely make compromises to keep the peace. What compromises does he make?