I 35F am married to my husband 38M. We have been married for almost 3 years in September this year. All together we have been together for 10 years this upcoming December. He is disabled and currently is unable to work due to an aggressive genetic disease. During his time he takes care of our 2 dogs, helps his mom and sister with school pickup, tidies the house, and plays video games like assassins creed, Pokemon, god of war, etc. I have never once made him feel like he spent too much time on video games and not given me enough attention.
I work as a teacher and gone for 8 to 10 hours a day 5 days a week and at least one weekend a month to see my family that is southeast from where I live.
On to the main of this blog.
I don’t play video games a lot, but I have recently found a game I enjoy playing Sims 4 and my husband has been getting annoyed and angry with me because he thinks I spend all my time playing sims and not enough time with him. Here is an example of a my day schedule
6am- Get up/get ready for work/take care of the dogs. Leave for work by 730 to get there by 8.
8am-5pm @ work with small children
530pm-7pm spend time with my husband eating dinner and anything we need to do.
7pm-9pm I play Sims
Weekends: 7am/8am wake up and get coffee and play sims for about 2 or 3 hours or till my husband wakes up and spend time with him. Afternoons I’ll play sims for a couple hours while he naps, and then I’ll play for about an hour in the evening.
Recently my husband told me he fears sims is consuming my life and that he would like more of my attention and quality time. I told via text message that the sims is a way for me to relax and escape from the world and you getting upset with me is making me feel controlled and slowly taking the joy away from a game that I like.
I want to know if i’m in the wrong for calling it out, or is there other married folks here who have gone through a similar thing and could give me advice on coming up with a schedule that is doable to where I still get my me time so I don’t go insane, and he gets his love language of quality time met?
Him voicing a concern and wishing for more time together is **not** the same as controlling you. Wtf.
Your weekly hours do add up to quite the chunk of gaming, especially on a weekday there is only functional time together, no quality couple time whatsoever.
So yeah, YTA
NTA, but when I add all of this up, you are playing the game 20 hours per week and your husband feels neglected. Yes, you need relaxation time. He also wants more of your time. Can you meet in the middle?
Maybe the weeknights you could extend couple time 5.30-7.30 or 8 then sims. That means you get some quality time during week that’s not “dinner and stuff we need to do”.
If it’s possible any of the “stuff we need to do” he could slowly take care of during the day? Or maybe there is one night a week that’s date night, no video games for either of you?
NTA, as someone who game regularly to escape reality / wind down I understand you, changes in routines can be harder for some to embrace than others, but one usually comes around.
You still seem to do your duties and spend time with him, it would have been different if all you did was game and work and didn’t spend any time with him at all.
INFO: do you spend time with your husband post-weekday evening Sims session?
How do you spend your time together on weekends?
Do you have other hobbies/interests/relationships you dedicate time to outside of what’s outlined here?
How do you feel about your life with your husband?
I’m not sure about a judgment but I will say that is a lot of time playing one game. I also know it’s very easy to get attached to Sims because you can create a different life. I understand his concern. Its one thing to use it to relax, it’s another to use it to escape your real life.
Yta
You’re playing the sims around 20-24 hours a week which **is** a lot, but not crazy.
Your husband seems to be saying he’d like to spend more time with you. That is not being controlling, that is telling you he would like to spend more time with you.
I think calling that controlling is unfair, and you’re latching onto words like controlling and boundaries, and using them to incorrectly stigmatise your husband.
YTA. 20 hours a week is a part time job. He’s expressing a need and you’re rejecting him. If this was a man, everyone would be lighting him up.
YTA
He’s not controlling you. That’s a huge leap to make. I would consider eating dinner (we have. Toddler so food time is always work time)/ clearing up, running errands as more of a doing chores beside each other rather than spending time together. And if you used to spend this time in the evenings with him and you are now gaming instead I can definitely see how he would feel neglected. You need time to relax and unwind, but your overreaction suggests you just don’t want to hear that you are actually not spending as much time with him as you used to.
NAH, with a long term disability impacting his day to day life and ability to work, he’s likely feeling a bit starved for adult interaction when you get home. He’s using gaming to pass the time, you’re using it as stress relief, nothing wrong with that, but it’s an inbalance in how you’re seeing your time. You’re also grouping quality time with him into the same bucket as chores and dinner and only putting an hour and a half in there and two hours gaming each evening. At the very least i’d suggest breaking that up, you have chore time, quality time and gaming time. Don’t shortchange your relationship because taking out the bins and washing dishes is done together.
Weekends actually seem much more balanced. you’re using the time he’s asleep the play the game and only an hour of the day when he’s not asleep.
>I told via text message
I’m not sure you should be having important conversations via text, but I’m not you.
I don’t know if there is an AH here. You are spending a lot of time playing the game. He is seeking connection. You also deserve some down time too. All of these are valid. Since you self-report 20 hours a week, there is a lot of room to adjust to help all of you get more of what you want. Talk to him, not us, and find a solution.
NAH. You are playing the game a lot, but it sounds like it’s a form of escapism which helps you cope which actually I relate to hard because I did a similar deep dive into Stardew Valley to help me cope with a lot of death and misery that was going on during the pandemic. But you are spending a lot of time in the world of the Sims, and I’d look at starting to cut back a bit to maybe an hour a day and making room for other hobbies so you’re not leaning on this as a single coping mechanism. He’s not being controlling, I think he’s being concerned.
NAH teaching is very overstimulating and needs a lot of decompression time, especially when working longer 10hr shifts. That said, hubby wanting more quality time isn’t an asshole move either. There should be a compromise where you still get to play Sims and he gets quality time.
I agree with another commenter about the 5:30-7 being time together but also being a time of ‘doing stuff we need to do’ – that’s probably making the quality time feel less. It’s important to have at least 1 date night a week with no distractions, chores, etc (can go out or if needing low cost, can cuddle + movie/TV). On those nights, definitely stick to shorter/minimal game time just to give your brain a break or reset and then put it away for the rest of the night, so you can focus on each other.
Talk to your husband about what more quality time looks like to him, and what works for you, and see if you both can strike a balance. There will still be days/weeks where it isn’t perfect but treat this as an ongoing conversation and something to improve as a team rather than feeling immediately attacked.
I say this as someone also teaching (college), recently married, and also both gamers (although my vice is FFXIV rather than the Sims, lol). We also are in couples therapy and I can’t recommend having a good therapist to help you both learn to work together enough, either. Best of luck!