Need some outside perspective here to see if I’m being unreasonable.
For some background, my husband and I have been hosting Thanksgiving dinner at our house for the last 5 or so years. We always invite my parents, my sister, my husband’s parents, my grandma, my aunt, uncle and 2 cousins. I am close with my parents, sister and my husband’s parents and we see them very frequently. My aunt, uncle and cousins I don’t talk to or see at all other than thanksgiving. My female cousin has a history of not showing up, showing up late with people she didn’t communicate were coming (like boyfriend and boyfriend’s kid) in the past. She also shows up late, after the meal is over, fills up Tupperware and then leaves. She’s done this on several occasions. She has never brought anything to contribute to the meal either. All of this to say, it bothers me and my husband.
So this year I send out the group message about Thanksgiving and ask that everyone let me know if they are coming and what they are bringing. She responds that she will be coming with her son and maybe her boyfriend and boyfriend’s kid and that she doesn’t know what to bring. I talked to my husband about this and I don’t want her boyfriend or her boyfriend’s kid coming. I don’t know them. Honestly if it were up to me I wouldn’t even invite my aunt, uncle and cousins because they are not apart of my life anyways.
Am I being an asshole?
EDIT: Thanks everyone for your responses. I did end up messaging her letting her know the invite is for her and her son only and assigned her something to bring. No response so far.
My original group message only included family members that were being invited but next time I know to be more clear about that.
NTA but also you’re kinda TA… dude everyone has family members that they don’t necessarily like and family members that aren’t in their life a ton. Thanksgiving is about bringing all those people together once a year and putting all the bullshit to the side. you don’t know her boyfriend or her boyfriend’s kid and i get that’s kind of annoying but it seems like she is making an effort this year and also asked what she should bring. You should still be able to have a good day while including her. Show her some compassion and love even though shes kind of a walking tornado
Only to yourself, if you continue to include her in the group that gets invitations.
If you don’t want her to bring her BF and his kid, use your words to tell her that this year’s invitation is for her and her son only.
Next year, if you don’t want her to attend, don’t invite her, and if she tries to invite herself, tell her you thought she would want to spend Thanksgiving with her BF’s family.
NTA. You don’t RSVP with extra uninvited guests – especially to a big holiday meal.
The way I see it, Thanksgiving is a holiday, like every other holiday, that people are supposed to spend with friends and family, with people they want to spend time with. You have the right to invite, or not invite, to *Your* home whomever you want.
This is just a matter of “rude” guests make it a lot easier to uninvite them.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner with people that bring you joy (and dessert).
NTA but I also think you should let it slide this time and not invite her at all next time. save yourself the hassle without invoking family drama.
NTA except to yourself. How is it not up to you? Would your parents or Grandma be so upset that they don’t come or ruin the day if you didn’t invite them? Just send out a new text asap so they have time to make other plans “on reflection of this year, it’s been difficult for everyone and while we’re thankful for everyone who has been present and supportive in our lives this past year, we don’t have the emotional bandwidth to host a bigger group, especially with strangers. We’ve decided to go small and just have parents and grandma and sister. We would love to find a time before the end of the year to meet up for dinner somewhere to catch up.”
Not quite an A but for the purpose of this sub.. YTA
You already invited her. You already knew before you invited her that was the way she is.
You should assign her something to bring since she does not know what to bring.
Bring a pie, or dessert. It will bring everyone a smile after the meal. Name a kid who loves dessert so she knows they and you are counting on her. That way if she’s late, dessert will still come. ( maybe have a back up)
This is what I would do. In addition a passive/aggressive remark about how “always running late, you can bring the pie and ice cream” since we can relax until they dessert gets brought by cousin. Now everyone knows what expectations are from her and see if she delivers when it so in her face.
Eh.. so your cousin confirmed attendance and knows to bring a dish to contribute this year. Did she confirm attendance in the previous years and just not show up? And showing up ‘late’, is that 10 – 20 minutes late? Or hours later after everyone has eaten late?
It’s one day. You added cousin to group chat and she responded with who she most likely will bring. Give her two or 3 items to bring. Lock up your Tupperware and stress in the group meal is served at x time.
NTA. You invited them this year so best bet is give her an item to bring, make sure she’s aware you all aren’t giving out leftovers this year, and ride it out. Next year send aunt uncle and cousins a separate chat that the large family Thanksgivings have become too much for you and asking if any of them would be able to host. They won’t of course and you can then send out a group chat to the two sets of parents and your sister letting them know that you have been finding the larger gatherings difficult and offered your relatives the opportunity to take it over. As they aren’t able to do that this year you are going ahead with a smaller immediate family gathering; just your family and parents and sister. Send a follow up to the moocher relatives with the same basic message. Express your regrets but moving forward your Thanksgiving will be immediate family only because the larger group is too much. You’ll be in touch next year to see if they’ll be free to host then. Wish them a wonderful holiday.
Then enjoy the peace of a holiday with the people you love.
This is the answer. Also, don’t allow people to take leftovers, only allow people to take back what they brought. Problem solved.
Since she wants to bring four people, assign her four food/drink items you need for her to bring, and issue a reminder of when dinner is starting. I would give her one more chance, and if she blows it again, I’d be done. If she shows up late and wants free food, the answer is absolutely not.
This. Tell her to bring Appetizers. Because then she’ll be obligated to arrive at the appropriate time.