45F married to 45M. Two kids: 6F and 8M.
We generally have a good marriage and home life. I’m posting because I’m unsure if I handled a situation poorly.
On my way home from work, I called my husband to check in. He said the kids had been fine most of the day, but shortly before my call there was an incident. Our son was playing with a sticky hand toy and threw it in my husband’s direction, and it hit him in the face.
My husband reacted by yelling, ripping the toy, and throwing it away. Our daughter became upset because it was her toy. He said he yelled at both kids and then went to lie down to cool off.
I told him that I understood he was frustrated, but suggested that once everyone had calmed down, it might be helpful to acknowledge the overreaction while still addressing that our son’s behavior wasn’t appropriate. He felt I was criticizing his parenting and became upset.
I then mentioned that during our daughter’s recent therapy session (she attends for anger and communication issues), she had talked about being affected by yelling. This upset my husband further, and he said it made him feel bad to hear that.
I tried to explain that my intention wasn’t to undermine him, but to be consistent in how we model communication for our kids. He responded that I was expecting too much and implied that I wanted him to let the kids do whatever they want.
When I got home, he was distant and didn’t want to talk, and that has continued since.
I’m wondering if I handled this conversation poorly or chose the wrong time to bring it up. AITA?
Seems like your husband needs therapy to control his anger problems.
>I tried to explain that my intention wasn’t to undermine him,
ESH.
It should be. You should undermine him when he goes off the rails. You should not support him when he is yelling at elementrary school age kids and destroying toys. You should undermine him in those moments, let him know its not ok and that until he learns to control his emotions, you will always undermine these displays of utter lack of self control.
He is a grown adult, a father, he is not some bear your household needs to watch out for and if he insists he gets to be a bear, he should go silent and hibernate from time to time.
NTA
I have overreacted. I have yelled at my kids. It happens.
And I acknowledge it, to my kids, because I’m trying to raise happy and healthy wholesome human beings.
>He felt I was criticizing his parenting and became upset.
If it was in front of the kids…. That’s not ideal. But you talked to him later, in private.
My wife and I have criticized each other’s parenting… Because you can’t grow without feedback.
If he can’t take feedback, in private? Fuck that. He needs to grow the fuck up. He’s not a perfect parent. NO PARENT IS. We ALL need feedback to improve.
>This upset my husband further, and he said it made him feel bad to hear that.
He SHOULD feel bad. He should change the behavior…
>if I handled this conversation poorly
You did not
>or chose the wrong time to bring it up.
Feedback is hard to take in the moment. We’re elevated, we’re reacting and not listening. THAT’S a bad time. But later? When heads are cooler? That IS the proper time! There is no better time!
It sounds like your daughter might be learning from your husband’s behavior. He should be in counseling as well.
Having the guts to apologize to your kids is essential…
Yes! Role modeling self accountability is kiiiiiinda important if you want THEM to have self accountability. And we do!
We all snap sometimes. It happens. That’s real. They should know that.
And they should know how to repair a relationship after a snap. Again, that needs to be role modeled.
Too many parents are too “Do what I say” instead of “be a good person”.
I want my kids to clean their rooms because it’s the right thing to do, not because an authority figure yelled at them. Etc etc etc
Nta. You didn’t poke the bear – you pointed out that the bear roared too loudly. His reaction (destroying the toy, yelling, shutting down) is the problem. He feels guilty and is deflecting. Stay calm, hold your boundary “We can’t teach our kids to manage anger if we don’t model it ourselves”
NTA. My father yelled and I can still remember a specific one like this (30+ years ago), where I accidentally kicked a football into his face and he was so enraged that I was genuinely frightened. Your husband doesn’t want his kids to be frightened of him I’m sure.
The fact that you refer to your husband as “the bear” and your daughter is having anger issues, this seems indicative of a larger problem with anger and yelling in your household.
So, let me get this straight, your husband has anger management issues where he models the behaviour of breaking things and yelling at your kids, and your daughter is in therapy for anger management…
I think you can openly see his poor parenting is having a very obvious effect on the children.
If he does not want to grow in this area, then he needs to understand that you will grow apart from him, and the kids probably will too, especially going to therapy and realizing that they may have issues because their father is not dealing with his.
They may grow to resent him for it, and you for not stopping it.
Is HE in therapy? Why not?
NTA, but you will be if you allow him to keep doing this.
I wonder why the daughter has anger issues
Gosh, I wonder where your 6YO gets her anger and communication problems from.