CAST OF CHARACTERS: Me 58f, Sister 51f (S),
Mother 78 (M) Brother 56m (B)
CONTEXT: B was special needs and M was guardian and main caregiver (CG) S took over being main CG early Dec. I am the oldest of 5. Parents divorced when I was 7. Father died when I was 38.
B always needed care but he was functional but his functions took a downturn about 3 years ago. For a long time S wasn’t in the picture. I took B at least 1X/month for at least a weekend but norm 1 wk S came back & I was deemed not able to handle him and told he couldn’t stay with me anymore. S took over my role in his life. I still saw him but never alone. Unless they wanted to go on vacation, then I could totally handle him.
M and I have always had a contentious relationship. I am the scapegoat for the family.
SITUATION: B started needing more care to the point he couldn’t even walk or toilet. M &S CG for him. They also got paid to do so thru county. He did end up having 3 add’l CG.
In May I went up to help after S had knee replacement surgery for 6 wks with the a/ment that I could go home on weekends. I live 1 hour away. Didn’t happen.
M was stressed. B was a lot of work. She would snap at me, curse at me (I never curse at her. I would ask her not to curse at me. It would escalate and I wouldn’t be able to defend myself) & micromanage me. After 4 wks I snapped. My hubs had done a lot of work around her house & after he left she started complaining. I told her to stop and be grateful for what he did do for her. The conversation went left. Cursing & yelling. I told her I was going home. More yelling. M told me she would never speak to me again. I could not come to her funeral. I’m a terrible mother. She always has to defend me to people because I suck as a human. She would cut off all access I had to my B I just kept packing my stuff to leave. I had called hubs. He was coming. I hr wait. She locked me out of her house.
Next day ALL Sibs & spouses felt that they could curse me out.
I never responded and didn’t hear from anyone until Nov when B went in hospital. Typically in hospital stays I would come up and stay with B during the nights. They needed that again so they called me. I went. He was discharged. I went home. Early December he passed. They did call and I went up and was there when he was removed from the vent.
I wasn’t able to be at the funeral home and was told by sibs that my share of his remains was $500. Then I found out they had a go fund me, I read the obituary where they left off my adopted son (they don’t like him), I found out that there was a family only gathering I was not invited to. His celebration of life is next week. After all that I told them I was not gonna pay & the go fund me could pick up my share.
WIBTAH if I didn’t go to B funeral and expose myself to the toxicity? No one there wants my support. No one would support me.
TL/DR- big family problems. Currently NC. Brother died. Should I attend funeral?
NTA. If you need closure then go to the service. However to protect yourself it may be better to find a private way to honor him and your relationship. If you do go, keep to yourself and avoid any gathering outside of the service.
I decorated my Christmas tree with pictures of him. My kids, hubs and I wrote down stories and catch phrases of his and hung them on the tree. If I decide to not go my little fam will go bowling in his honor since it was one of the things he loved. Wish I could attach a pic of the tree. It’s fabulous!
NTA
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/8-types-of-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families
Wow! Awesome. Thank you!
Definitely NTA. They all sound like horrible people who only want you around when they need something (money, or a break in caring for B). I think you were 100% correct that the GoFund me can cover the costs, otherwise what is it for? I would probably cease communication with the whole lot at this point. I also wouldn’t be surprised if they come calling again when M gets older and needs a caregiver.
That is my husbands biggest fear- we end up taking M in and caring for her. Nope. Not going to happen.
And that’s exactly how I feel- they only want me around when i can do something for them. They don’t care about me.
Funny thing- I had been telling M for at least a decade that she should finalize some end of life plans for B. And would never discuss it with me, just get angry with me. Now that it’s happened, guess who’s getting bailed out? She’s always like this.
Stay home and honor your brother on your own. Stay no contact, block them all, they seem like a nasty bunch.
Nta.
Go NC (imo)
Good luck with your new family drama-free life.
NTA It sounds like you will be happier if you go no contact. I’m sorry for the loss of your brother. It rather sounds like he was the only one left worth sticking around for.
My brother was a pure joy. He loved everyone and every single person he met loved him back.
Thank you for the condolences.
WNBTA Dude, you’re almost 60. Cut them loose.
NTA. I suggest you have a small memorial, perhaps in your living room, for you and anyone you know who supports you, and get your chance to say goodbye that way.
My brother was special needs and he died 7 years ago. I know how much care is involved, but there are other choices than to yell and curse out people trying to help. Your birth family is awful. Create a new family with people who care about you and walk away from the toxic one.
My condolences on your loss.
Thank you for this. Thank you for your condolences. I’m sorry for your loss as well.
I’m appreciative that you understand that there was so much caretaking involved. And that level of caretaking is exhausting and stressful. I tried to extend grace but there comes a point where you just have to protect your mental health.
I knew that the 6 weeks was going to be difficult and that’s why I said I’d do it if I could go home every weekend. It was an agreement she backed out of. I’m married. I need to see my husband. I have a dog that needed caring for as well. My kids may be grown and I might not work but I have responsibilities.Neither my sister or my mother could/would even acknowledge that I was away from my home, my husband, my closet, my comforts. It was like I was separated from my husband. He works nights and while he did come up when he could, it was still under her roof and he felt the judgement. Seriously- I was micromanaged on how to put the silverware into her dishwasher! I ended up spending so much money just on food because I had to feed everyone.
The last straw for me was her complaining about my husband after he spent his day off up there helping her. Sure, it’s annoying when someone puts garbage in the recycle bin. Sure, it’s annoying having a boot marking your carpet, but be grateful for the jobs he did for you!
This year I decorated my Christmas tree in pics of B. It’s quite lovely. On Christmas Day hubs, kids and I wrote down stories and his catchphrases and hung them on the tree. It was our own little memorial for him.
Then, my sister sends my daughter and I a message a few days after Christmas telling us they celebrated like B would have wanted. HURTFUL! We had always celebrated as a family. I knew I wouldn’t be invited but my daughter has never spent a holiday away from extended family. She was completely ignored. So, I text back asking why she wasn’t invited because I didn’t understand. My daughter texted back at the same time (group text) that B would have wanted her there. S told me to eff off and quit playing mind fuck games.
I’m just ready to never talk to these people again.
Sorry for the rambling but it does help to share. Thank you for reading.