Burner account and being vague for obvious reasons.
Last week my mom died. It was expected, she was elderly.
Soon after I got the news, I posted on Facebook telling my family and friends about it. After that I received a message from a family member (family member by marriage) saying that it was inappropriate of me to spread the news since other family members (who I have absolutely no contact with) were in different time zones, and that this family member was unable to contact his/her children to let them know.
I was told that I posted the news to "garner sympathy, attention and support."
My husband got the phone call and told me about it, and after I heard the words "she’s at peace" I didn’t hear anything else. I have no idea what he said after. Maybe the family member asked my husband to tell me not to post anything… but I did anyway.
Two years ago my aunt passed away, and I was the last to know – there was no consideration for me at that point. I’m struggling to understand why I was overlooked back then. I read the news on a cousin’s FB page.
So, am I the asshole for posting about my own mother’s passing? I had no idea who was called before I was, so I had no idea who was told. My family is vindictive and toxic, and I don’t have contact with the ones who are in different time zones.
Said family member has been part of the family for over 35 years, and I have almost 20 years on them.
She was MY mom.
AITAH?
Hell no NTA. You don’t need to traumatize yourself over and over by calling all of your family and answering the same stupid questions while you’re grieving.
Edit: In addition, if you were that close with family you WOULD have called them. But they made their own beds by the sounds of it, you have no obligation to appease people.
NTA.
Sorry for your loss. I really don’t see the logic behind how your relative is acting. Just ignore them honestly.
Nta. If she had other children who found out that way, I might disagree but sometimes social media is the easiest way to get the news out and calling everyone individually is very taxing when you’re grieving.
NTA, did the same for my father last week. It was the most expeditious way to get the word out without spending hours on the phone. Nor does anyone read obits now either.
Dad was 92 and was Facebook friends with people i’d never have known to contact.
Ignore the haters and sorry for your loss.
It basically is a digital obituary, and you’re absolutely right that it’s more likely to be noticed than a local paper when our elderly community has embraced the connections they could maintain or reforge when they joined sites like FB.
They managed to reconnect with people they knew all across the globe and the best way to allow those people to mourn is to share with our dearly departed’s whole list of associates at once.
I wish you the best and hope you have a solid support system, you’ve done right by your family by choosing to tell everyone that might have mattered to him in a way far better targeted than a newspaper posting.
I’m afraid I may be biased, so I’m withholding judgment because I want to be fair. I learned of my grandmother’s passing from a cousin’s FB post. I’m also not one to post anything super personal like that (the attention isn’t wanted). I think the appropriate thing to do, personally, would be to phone or text immediate family and close friends, and let them know in a less impersonal way than FB. I don’t think you had any ill intentions, but I can understand why people are upset about it.
Of course you are NTA. I am so sorry for your loss.
Also…..”I was told that I posted the news to “garner sympathy, attention and support.”
And?? So what exactly would be wrong with posting to garner sympathy, attention and support, anyway? She says it like it’s a bad thing, but it is NOT. You need all three of those things right now. Hugs.
NTA
“I was told that I posted the news to “garner sympathy, attention and support.””
If ever there was a time for you to need, and ask for, sympathy, attention, and support, it is when your mother dies. I’m so sorry for your loss!
Personally, I wouldn’t have posted on Facebook for 24 hrs, to allow the family time to spread the news so no-one has to see it on social media without any warning.
“garner sympathy, attention and support.”
Well, yes. Your mom died. Sympathy, attention and support are appropriate.
I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA
IMO as long as immediate family already knew you’re in the clear.
I think the idea of suport circles/relationship circles applies here. It’s mean and shitty for someone further out to criticize how you announce your own mother’s death.
Did you like hearing about your aunts death on Facebook?
You can do whatever you want, your the next of kin. However, in respect to the fact that the deceased probably had many people who will grieve their passing I’ve always followed the practice of waiting a few days before posting on social media in order to allow the news to be provided in a non public setting to those who will genuinely grieve the loss.
>Two years ago my aunt passed away, and I was the last to know – there was no consideration for me at that point. I’m struggling to understand why I was overlooked back then. I read the news on a cousin’s FB page.
This pushes it into YTA territory for me. Two years ago, you found out about a family member’s passing on facebook, and you were upset to find out that way.
Then you did the same thing – you posted about your mom’s passing ‘soon after you got the news,’ when it is very likely there are family members who haven’t been informed. So they’re going to find out from facebook – the exact situation you were upset about two years ago.