I (28m) have a friend (24nb) who has a disability which means they often times cancel last minute because they’re too unwell to join and because of that their boyfriend also cannot join because they have to take care of them. The thing is, I’m the only one in our friend group who has any ability to plan something and because of this I tend to pay for tickets and everyone pays me back.
My friend thinks it’s unreasonable to ask them to pay for their share and to ask their boyfriend to ask him for his share because they couldn’t attend the event and it would mean they’re subsidizing me and our friends who can make it. They don’t have a lot of money so they can’t really afford to pay for things and not do them. I understand this and have absorbed the financial hit for this before. Multiple times.
I recently lost my job so I cannot absorb that financial hit anymore. At least not until I find a new job. I spoke to my friend and told them, maybe a bit harshly, that if they can’t guarantee that they’ll be able to make an event, I’m either going to need them to still pay for their and their boyfriend’s tickets or they’re going to have to sit out the events.
They got upset and said that basically I’m excluding them from friend hangouts because they’re disabled. I said that they can still come to the free hangouts or hangouts where we pay at the venue, just not to ones that I have to book in advance. They then said that it’s still excluding them from things they enjoy just because of something they cannot control. They don’t have the money to pay for events they cannot attend.
My friend group is very divided on this. Some say that I’m the asshole because we don’t want to exclude someone just because they’re disabled and we could all just pay a little extra in case they don’t come but others say I should never have taken that financial hit for them in the first place and I’m right for setting that boundary in place.
So am I the asshole?