I moved to a different city a couple of years ago for work but make an effort to make a trip home twice a year for a couple of days. I met this friend from my old workplace in my hometown but we’re not super close, we only talk online maybe once every few months.
My first trip home after moving to the new city they reached out to catch up over lunch which was a pleasant surprise. We continued to check in with each other every now and again. So now every time I go home I make the effort to reach out and catch up instead.
The last few times I have been back, they have used the same reason for not being able to meet. *"Work has been busy this week and I have plans on the weekend so I won’t be able to do this week. When are you back next?"* They also always suggest to catch up whenever I am back home next when we do talk. Personally I have a rule where if I have reached out 3 consecutive times and it’s always a no with the same low effort response, I assume they are not that keen to hang out and I stop initiating the catch up.
However, over the years I have come to realise this could be unfair and would be a shame to lose a friend based on assumptions. So one day I bumped into this friend and asked *"Nothing against you and don’t take this the wrong way but I have not been able to catch you every time I’m back home. I usually don’t reach out after the third time but I think that would be unfair to you so can I check if we’re still good, are you really busy or are you just not that keen to meet up. Which is totally fine I’m not entitled to your time but I don’t want to just assume either. So I just wanted to check".*
They said they were really busy and not avoiding me and I should definitely reach out again the next time I’m back. But the very next day I was disconnected from all socials so I reached out to check if it was because of what I said. They confirmed they felt confronted and didn’t appreciate the attitude when they said they were busy. They got the impression that I though they were lying. I apologised and explained that was never my intention to accuse them of lying but they were not interested in my apologies or even a conversation and proceeded blocked me from everywhere. So now we are not talking anymore. AITA?
They felt confronted because you confronted them—which, by the way, I don’t blame you for doing. I don’t know exactly what you said or your tone, but I don’t think a real friend would have cut you off rather than actually trying to find time for you. Go on with your life and make some new friends—this one is history now. Oh—NTAH.
NTA. You were honest and respectful. Your “friend” is a socially inept AH. You’re not missing anything with him out of your life.
NTA. When you moved the relationship changed. As for being ‘busy’ I notice that people can make time for stuff they want to do. If friend can’t spend 2 hours for lunch or dinner it means they are not interested. The got embarrassed when you asked about this and cut you off.
NTA – you completely reasonably asked for clarity. They said one thing and then disconnected from you. It’s kinda bizarre. I wouldn’t be too sad about it
My take/guess is this is an “ask” vs “guess” culture difference. Your former friend doesn’t want to be hang out any more which is why he keeps declining, hoping you would take the hint and do something like your previous rule stopping trying to hang out after initiating unsuccessfully 3 times. But you switched to a more direct style of communication, but your friend isn’t able to just directly say that, so he deflected by saying he felt confronted. And know you’ve kept communicating so he just gave up and blocked you.
In one way of thinking directly saying something like “I don’t want to hang out anymore” is really rude and it’s better to leave things ambiguous (that way there is some deniability, there always is a tiny chance it really is just because they got busy). And in the same line of thinking, it’s also rude to pierce the ambiguity, which is why your former friend said he felt confronted.
People on reddit are probably going to think ask culture is better than guess culture because its direct and clear. IDK I think sometimes there are virtues to having things be ambiguous. And people just have different styles of communicating and we should just be aware of both.
But NTA. I think the fact that he kept saying the same text should have clued you in that he didn’t want to hang out. But he wasn’t communicating clearly and also I think really the biggest thing that makes him definitely an AH is he kept on offering to hang out again later. He should have just said “Oh sorry I’m really busy” but not offered a subsequent meeting, because to your more direct way of communicating it seems like a direct invite to hangout more. I think even on the terms of accepting “guess” culture as a way of communicating he wasn’t being clear because he kept on explicitly telling you to contact him again in the future.
NTA – sounds to me like the other person has some serious issues with “confrontation” (in quotation marks because if you brought it up to them like you described in your post, it just sounds like you asked a genuine question in a very reasonable and respectful way. maybe a tad over-apologetic at the absolute worst, but absolutely not confrontational)
its hard in the moment being let down by someone you thought was a friend, to find out you like
someone more than they like you, and i’m sorry that happened. on a positive note, your time and energy can now be much better spent on people who enjoy spending time with you and who respect you enough to be honest with you and expect honesty back!