My younger sister and myself are very close and always have been. I have recently moved to work in a new city a couple hours away from home and have my own place. She is currently visiting for a couple of days, and we usually share my double bed when she stays over which we’re both perfectly happy with.
For context, I’m aware that I have definitely always been the more “Type A” sister in terms of cleanliness and hygiene. I keep my space clean and tidy whereas she tends to let things get a little messy (which is fine in her own space, I don’t nag her about that at all). But from time to time I notice she doesn’t take hygiene very seriously, can go 2 or 3 days without a shower etc. she works an insanely busy job as a young doctor etc so I get that sometimes she gets home and just crashes.
However, being aware of this and as someone who never gets into my own bed without washing off the day, the few times she visits I would try to hint by saying “Oh there’s guest towels there if you want to shower tonight, or for the morning”. And my offer often gets ignored and I just let it go. However this time she is here for a couple of nights and after refusing my offer last night when she arrived, and also passing on taking a shower this morning, I straight up politely asked her if she wouldn’t mind taking a shower before coming to bed tonight as I usually don’t sleep in my bed without taking one. Although I didn’t mention to her that there was a slight smell of BO because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, I definitely did notice it last night when she arrived so I knew it would be worse tonight if I didn’t say anything. She got very offended and told me she will sleep on a mattress if I am uncomfortable, and even said she wouldn’t stay with me anymore (although probably out of embarrassment and in a moment of being defensive).
So am I the asshole? Should I mind my own business when it comes to personal hygiene, or is it fair enough to expect someone to respect my space the same way I do while visiting / being in it?
ESH
She sucks for not respecting your boundaries and getting defensive
You suck for not clarifying your boundaries earlier.
Fair enough,when do you think was the right time to set that boundary that wouldn’t have offended her?
You probably didn’t have to tell her to have a shower, but as a young doctor surely it would be really bad to not shower?
No? Would you let someone who has been in a hospital around God knows what (I am a nurse so I actually DO know what!) crawl in your bed?? Not to mention someone who smells. Nope nope nope. Maybe OP could have deflected more to her clean freak tendencies and said something like “sis you know I am a freak about germs and I shower before getting into bed for that reason. I don’t care if you sleep with me but I’m gonna need you to shower before getting into bed. I know you get me- love you!”
NTA your bed your rules. Im also surprised that as a doctor she doesn’t shower more regularly especially if she’s constantly around sick people.
Yeah that was my thinking when I asked, but her reaction made me think I might be overstepping.
I’m sorry young doctor or not she needs to be clean. Rather hear it from a sister then be humiliated at work
As a sister I think it’s important you stop tiptoeing around this issue and tell her straight.
She’s seeing patients she needs to be clean and not emit an offensive odour.
Your her sister, be sisterly and honest with her.
As a sister she should be able to tell her that she stinks. Or am I crazy
Yall must not be that close.
Im telling my sister go wash her ass cause it smell like dog surgery in here.
& She will laugh & go shower.
NTA I have 2 sisters we would definitely tell each other that they needed to smell better and were gross
If you are close, you should be more direct rather than hinting. You’ve only hinted or dismissed it before and now suddenly you are being direct. She probably never realized that you had any issues so she’s taken aback.
But I imagine her patients or colleagues would have also noticed the BO too. That can’t be good for the office?
NTA and you should be more straightforward. It would be rude if you constantly criticized her, or said it infront of others, or called her gross for no reason other than she doesn’t shower when you think she should. You’re sisters, and you’re sharing a bed. As a sister, or even as a friend, privately telling them they need to take a shower because you can smell their odor is the right thing to do. It’s understandable that she might be defensive or even offended, but it’s necessary. You shouldn’t worry about hurting her feelings too much, sometimes that just happens. She’ll get over it.
NTA. Don’t some young doctors shower at work? or is that just on tv? Maybe she is showering when she gets to work, but then is too tired after a long shift to shower again? I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.
But l always see it as a mental health issue when hygiene is a problem, so could that be something to check to see how’s she’s doing mentally? Let her know you’re worried about her.