Me (f38) and my bf (m40) have been dating for about 3 years. I’ve always been involved in theater or dance. Sometimes he participates in dance projects with me. He is very loving and thoughtful, but he’s always had a bit of a short temper and often gets upset over things I don’t think are a big deal.
Over the last 6 months or so, he’s been spending most of his time at my house, which is a 45 minute drive from where he lives and works (he gets up at about 5am on work days). He does this because our work schedules don’t quite match but we can spend more time together that way.
I am involved in a project that rehearses 2-3 times a week. He’s agreed to a company me and pick me up after rehearsal. But the last few times he’s been upset that I get out at 9 or 9:30, and I can tell. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. The last thing I wanna see when I get out after a long day is someone clearly unhappy, even if he’s not complaining at me.
I told him he doesn’t have to spend the night or drop me off or pick me up from rehearsal if he’s gonna be mad about every time. It makes the 45 min Ride home super uncomfortable, and makes me feel like he doesn’t support what I’m doing. It also creates fights that sour the time we do have together. We made plans to go out later this week and now I don’t feel like doing any of it after my getting out of rehearsal at that time has created arguments 3 times in a row.
He says me accusing him of being mad at me is what makes him upset, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for him to not be upset if he’s gonna agree to drop me off or pick me up from rehearsal for the sake of spending more time together. I told him if he’s gonna be upset every time for waiting around or having to get up early after, he just should let me go to rehearsal on my own. I don’t get much time off from work and other responsibilities. I don’t want to be fighting on our time together over stuff like this.
AITA ?
INFO: Why does he go? Attending something like this 2 to 3 times a week sounds like my worst nightmare, life is too short and after-work time too precious to spend it being a dance mom for one’s adult partner. Do you not like to drive? Do you feel unsafe walking to your car at night and so you asked him? Or is this something he proposed because he likes to keep an eye on you?
He might take an earlier class and have a couple of hours to wait for me to get out, or yesterday he went grocery shopping.
I am not asking him to come with me. He is offering. I’ve been driving myself to all of my commitments until he offered to come with me. I am used to doing things on my own.
Then NTA. But instead of saying “if you’re going to be upset, you don’t have to come,” be more assertive and say “I’m going to drive myself for a few weeks. I realize rehearsal has been running late and I don’t want you to be irritated nor do I want to feel rushed. It’s best for both of us.”
This is officially the best, most Carolyn Hax-worthy response I have seen on reddit.
NTA. If he’s going to be pissy about it just don’t come, you’re more than capable of getting home on your own.
NTA he is old enough to use his big boy words and tell you how he feels about it instead of silently moping. Especially since you offered just getting home yourself.
NTA. I don’t think I’d want to be with such a angry, resentful person. But, if you can keep him from accompanying you, that’s one anger issue solved. Tell him to stay home the nights you have practice.
INFO: “…and I can tell”
How can you tell? What is he doing that is so bad that you feel you have to speak to him about it to the point he gets annoyed? Are you doing that thing that insecure people do where they ask a million times “are you mad at me??” to the point he is annoyed.
“He says me accusing him of being mad at me is what makes him upset” yeah I would be upset to if I was being TOLD i am upset when I am not, He goes out of his way to spend more time with you and trying to work with your schedule and you are ASSUMING he is pissed.
The displeasure is very obvious. The frown, the shortness of words, the complaining of the time, or the coming into the room to tap at his watch while I’m still at rehearsal. It’s a very sharp contrast from the usual cheery demeanor when he greets me.
NTA “Loving and thoughtful” to me means a person who, when they offer to pick me up from my event, doesn’t get upset that my commitment ran a little later than usual. In my mind, someone who does get upset and gives a cold shoulder is an AH. Just because they may do some things that resemble “loving and thoughtful” doesn’t mean they are, because during the times when it really matters, they are an AH that can’t be counted on.
Start driving yourself and consider couples counseling.
NTA, he is 40 years old and still behaves in this ridiculous manner. Please go to rehearsals on your own, he can sort out his own entertainment. He is deliberately behaving like a bellend.
INFO: Is he aware that you’ll be getting out at 9-9:30? Or does he think you’ll be out at say 8:30 then has to wait around for 30-60 minutes without being able to contact you?
How long does it take you to get out after rehearsal ends? Is he seeing every one else leave rehearsal while you are still in there? Just asking to better understand the situation.