This has been an issue for as long as I remember. My sister (69) and I (F64) do not get on. We are like chalk and cheese, different in so many ways it’s not even funny anymore. I have primary care of my Mum and honestly it’s fine as she’s in an aged care facility and is happy. She is near me and I see her every week.
I have come to the decision that I no longer want to have contact with my sister as she keeps sending me nasty messages with perceived misdemeanours that I have done to her.
For example the current issue is that she thinks I threw away some paintings that she did for my Mum that she now tells me, years later, that she would like to have kept. At the time of clearing my parent’s house I asked her if there was anything she wanted several times, she only wanted a couple of items which I put aside for her, along with some other things that I thought she would like, she didn’t. She never mentioned she wanted any paintings.
Even though my husband and I were the ones to organise my Mum’s belongings to either go with her, what was to be donated or sold and what was rubbish, which took weeks, it was my sister who arranged for the pick up of everything, we weren’t even there on the day. The paintings were still in the house up to and including the pick up day. I explained all of this to my sister with screenshots of our conversations. She is still blaming me and telling me it is all my fault that she did not get the paintings and that I am jealous of her. She sent me a message about me being jealous, I’m definitely not, out of the blue 3 months ago so I have only been messaging her anything to do with my Mum since then.
Today I received more messages from her asking why I’m not messaging her and talking about the paintings again. I responded, why would I want to talk to her after what she sent to me and forwarded the text she sent and the messages about what she wanted when the house was cleared. I don’t think she’s even read them. After this, I received another message blaming me again and that I need to get over myself.
I’ve spent my whole life walking on eggshells around my sister because she is very sensitive and would compare herself negatively to me. I always tried to build her up and say that we are all different and we each have abilities that the other doesn’t have but that’s fine, we are different and that’s OK. I’m more academic than her, she is very athletic and more crafty than me, I can draw and knit but don’t have anywhere near her skills. I would list the things that she was good at to try and make her feel more positive about herself. Honestly, I’ve always realised what she is like, you have to be very careful what you say to her, I’ve always been able to do that but I’ve had enough now.
I now want to only be in contact with my BIL, AITA?
NTA
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/11/28/codependency-trauma-the-scapegoat-unmasked/
NTA. I’m no longer on speaking terms with my little brother and it’s been one of the healthiest decisions i’ve ever made.
I’m totally not sure what your BIL has to do with anything. Seems simple – stop engaging with your sister. If she wants updates about your mom, she can communicate with your mom directly. Your BIL can communicate with your mom directly. You do not need to be an intermediary about anything.
NTA
If you have legal responsibility for your mother you should be putting things in a more secure format like email. If you don’t have legal responsibility, it’s time to look into power of attorney. Personally I would block her number and let her know email is the only way forward and you will only communicate about your mother and nothing more. Don’t respond to anything that isn’t about your mother. Sounds like your sister is a miserable individual.
NTA. Why haven’t you dropped her already? Like 30 years ago? You’re on the downslope of your life. Stop banging your head against walls.
If it wasn’t for Mum, believe me I would have. My head does hurt ….
INFO: Why do you think your BIL should be involved in a dispute between you and your sister?
Because someone needs to be kept informed about our mother and I just can’t deal with her anymore. I won’t be bombarding him with things just asking questions when necessary and letting them know how she is etc. It won’t be a lot as I look after her needs. I just can’t with my sister anymore, I’m sick of the abuse. He is my only option.
When she sends you an email, don’t read it. Simply respond with a short positive aphorism. Make a fun game out of it. Also, set your phone to silence your sister’s calls and texts (just hers, every phone can do this).
I would have cut contact a while ago, you’re more patient than me. Just curious, what would happen if you switched up on her and said “fine, yes, it’s all my fault, can we be done now?”
Good luck. She sounds very needy and likely your BIL will feel the need to defend her from you. I think it would just cause more stress for you because it will become them vs. you. Also, I believe I have the same sister who can’t get outside her own head. Communicate minimally and only when necessary. Her relationship with your mom has nothing to do with you, nor does your relationship with your mom have anything to do with her.
I have been only communicating minimally with her since thie latest nasty messages. I know our respective relationship with our Mum has nothing to do with the other, believe me she’s tried to dictate to me about that before. I’m not talking about that, it’s my Mum’s health and other decisions that we need to be in contact bout, Mum has dementia so needs help. If I didn’t need to contact er about Mum I wouldn’t, I’ve only been trying to keep things nice and civil to ease the way. No more.
You’ve already found the solution- only communicate with her regarding your mother. Do not engage with her otherwise.
Do you think she has some cognitive decline? It’s a bit weird that she’s so fixated on it years later. Either way, NTA