Hello! Something weird happened to me (22, Female) and I want to ask for advice. I go to college. It’s a relatively small school, where everyone knows everyone. Well, the story takes place at the dining hall. It’s Saturday morning and I slept in, so lunch is my breakfast. I find my friends sitting at our normal table, laughing amongst each other about something. This is usual, so I sit with them with my plate of brunch. From the little conversation I heard, I knew they were talking about what happened last night. To strike normal conversation, I asked, “What happened last night?” My friend of three years, one of the closest friends I have at school, let’s call her Maria, she told me “We got so drunk last night!”
Initially, when I heard Maria say “we,” my feelings were already hurt because I wasn’t personally texted an invite to the hangout AND the friend GC wasn’t texted the plans either. Still giving her grace, I wanted to ask a further question. I asked, “Who is we?”
Maria went on to say that it was everyone at the table, which is like 4 of my other friends, and even some extra people on the outside of our friend group was invited to the hangout, except me. My feelings were really hurt, and I wanted to let Maria know that, and give her some time to say something like, it was an accident, I can’t believe we forgot you!!! Something among those lines.
So then, I looked Maria in the face, and I asked point blank, “Where was my invite?” She looked immediately angry that I asked that, and then she just shut down emotionally. She like, hunched forward a little bit and just stared at her plate. Everyone else at the table said nothing, there was silence. Everyone else was so awkward.
Seeing how weird everyone else was, it made me feel worse for even wanting to be included. I’m a senior this year, and there are quite a few ‘newcomers’ in the group, but I never expected my friend to just cast me out like that! AND it’s not only Maria that didn’t invite me, everyone at the hangout didn’t even text me to tell me they were even thinking about me not being there! The whole thing rubs me the wrong way.
I want advice. Am I blocking this whole situation out of proportion, or are my feelings valid? Please let me know below. (My mom said they’re not good friends and I should cut them off, should I?)
**EDIT!!!** It was brought to my attention from a kind commentator that I left out some crucial information. Sorry about that, this just happened and I have clinical anxiety, so sometimes I just blank out on information.
The afternoon and night before the secret hangout, after mock trial I asked my friends if we wanted to hang out or get food after, so that would’ve been around 8:30PM. They said they were okay, and they were going to go back to their dorms. That gave me the impression we were all going to have a chill night in our beds, watching Heated Rivals or something! Clearly that wasn’t the case, and that added another layer of my feelings being hurt. It made me feel like I was being purposefully left out.
YTA for thinking that you always deserve to be included, especially for trying to make her feel bad about it in front of everyone. Do you have friends outside this group? Do you hang out with those other friends ever without inviting the rest of the group?
INFO: Does this happen a lot or occasionally? Have you ever participated in a social activity without inviting Maria?
NAH. Unless there is further information? It’s possible different dynamics are happening with more people being added to the group. And sometimes levels of friendship shift. And the way you reacted to be being left out is going to get you invited out less. Being hurt is normal, I’ve lived similar situations. It’s possible you’re a mean drunk, or you’ve been stressed with senior year and been bringing down the mood. Or if you’re one of the oldest in the group, you might being giving chaperone vibes and they wanted a younger group. I would let this go but maybe make a point to spend some the few you think you’re closest with and see if they are acting weird/ avoiding hangouts. This could become an AH situation if you get bitchier about this, or if they seem like their bullying/going out of their way to exclude you regularly. Don’t overreact and create a drama no one feels like dealing with. I speak from experience.
ESH. Your friend shouldn’t have brought up the night before where clearly you were excluded in front of you – but you also called her out in front of everyone which could have been handled differently. I would speak to the person you’re closest to and see if they have any advice or explanation on why you didn’t get an invite. It may not have been your closest friends who planned it etc. It stings in the moment but only you know if these have been good friends otherwise.
You aren’t an AH for asking why you were excluded.
But they clearly don’t like you for some reason. Time to find other friends.
Not everyone has to do things with everyone all the time. Many times these gatherings happen naturally. I have a feeling your tone when you asked about your invite was off putting because she shut down. She may be one of your best friends but not once did you mention you being one of her best friends.
It’s quite possible you’re not as much fun to be around as you think but it’s also possible they were talking and just didn’t think to invite you and that’s okay too. You’re the one who made it awkward and uncomfortable.
YTA for the way you approached it.
“Where was my invite?” Is incredibly aggressive and confrontational.
Instead of being accusatory, you should have expressed that your feelings were hurt that you weren’t included.
YTA, and you’d benefit from a bit more tact. Hangouts can have many different dynamics and formations, and you’re not entitled to be included in all of them. Maybe it developed organically, and nobody was texting others, maybe some of the others involved thought the group was already too big, maybe nobody thought it would turn into a hangout until it somehow did… either way, you’re not entitled to participation in everything fun that happens.
The better response would be to express happiness that your friends had fun, laugh with them at their experiences, then say something like you’d have loved to be there to drop the hint that you’d be interested next time without making anyone feel ashamed for having fun without you.
NTA. I would say that maybe you could’ve picked another time so you could have an honest conversation though. Putting somebody on the spot like that in a group setting may have made the situation worse.
YTA. You were not “cast out” of the friend group. Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean they can’t do things without you. They’re free to get together amongst themselves, and with other people, and they did. Do I know why? No, neither do you (or your mom), but if it happens again, you can wonder how much it’s because of your entitled response on this occasion. “Everyone at the hangout didn’t even text me to tell me they were even thinking about me not being there”: why on earth would they text you about not being with them when they hadn’t invited you? Now that *would* be mean.
NTA. Been there, done that. You need better friends!
YTA
“Where was my invite?” was very entitled. You could have asked Marie privately later if there was a reason you were excluded.
It’s possible that some of the people invited don’t enjoy your company because of things like this.
NAH. This is [Geek Social Fallacy #5](https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/), which can be summarized as “omission = exclusion.” You feel like because they didn’t invite you, they were intentionally snubbing you.
Just because they wanted a hangout with a subset of the friend group does not mean they were trying to cut you out. They are allowed to spend time with each other without summoning the whole group. But it does feel bad to find out this way, so I can’t fault your feelings.
Despite the other comments, you should know people know exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. NTA