My girlfriend'(21)s mom'(56)s very narcissistic and abusive towards , mostly emotionally but also mentally. We were living with her for a little bit trying to get a job in the city she stayed at, which was about an hour from my parents place, the place were at now. Her mother had said some things that were bridging the line of illegal and dangerous, and made my girlfriend feel unsafe, she asked her mom to stop saying those things and her mom directed the comments towards her instead. We moved out of the apartment the very next day and I’ve told gf she should keep almost no contact with her because she’s very unstable. Her mom begged us to watch one of her cats for her until the apartment does an inspection, and we used that to get the money that she owed us from her taxes, and decided it wouldn’t be too bad as long as she can actually get the cat after the inspection. Long story short, we still have the cat (it’s been a month or so) and the excuse that gf keeps telling me about how she only keeps contact because of the cat is getting old, but I understand it, she still loves her mom and I’m not going to force her to keep no contact. But for the past couple days I keep waking up go them calling And I can’t stand the sound of her voice. Today, they were talking about how much money she still owes us for watching her cat (1/3 of any food or litter we buy) and my gf said I paid 15 for the last box of litter, I corrected her saying I only paid 12, and then they were talking about my cat being in heat. Her mom then proceeded to say "I can help get her fixed, and…" Yada yada, I didn’t immediately say anything about it but gf did decline the offer. After a few minutes I asked gf to mute the phone so I can talk to her, and I told her that I didn’t want her offering us money or help, that gf shouldn’t even bring up money as a topic that I’m not comfortable with it. She seemed a little upset and told me that she’s been trying to talk to her mom and that I’ve just been interrupting. I did say something about the price of the last litter box, and her mom was saying something about my cats going to be in heat if there are male cats around (where I live is pretty secluded) and I told her there wasn’t any cats anywhere in the holler or for a while. Most people around here are dog people and that makes people cautious of having cats, I said to her mom there’s no male cats anywhere near here. And she remarks "if there’s a male cat within a mile it would make a difference" or something like that. But AITAH for telling my girlfriend that I feel uncomfortable with her talking to her mom about our money situation, or even her mom asking to help us or offering.
**NAH (between you and your girlfriend), but you might be pushing a little too hard.**
It’s understandable that you’re uncomfortable with her mom being involved in your finances, especially if she’s been abusive and unstable in the past. Wanting distance and fewer ways for her to insert herself into your lives is a pretty reasonable boundary.
At the same time, this is *your girlfriend’s mother*, and cutting contact or changing the dynamic is something that has to happen at your girlfriend’s pace, not yours. Even if the relationship is unhealthy, it’s still emotionally complicated for her. From her perspective, she’s probably just trying to keep things calm and get through the situation with the cat without escalating things.
A better approach might be to tell your girlfriend how it makes you feel when money gets brought up, and agree together on a boundary going forward (for example: “we’ll settle the cat expenses and then stop discussing money with her”). But trying to control the conversation while she’s on the phone with her mom is likely to make her feel caught in the middle.
So you’re not wrong for being uncomfortable but the solution probably needs to be a calm conversation between you and your girlfriend about boundaries rather than stepping in during the calls.
Soft YTA you’re incorrect to say your gf is discussing your financial situation – that would be like your gf telling her mom your salary, how much you have in savings, how much you spend on various stuff, etc. That’s different than following up on money someone owes her. Your gf (and you) have an agreement with her mom that mom reimburses you both a portion of what is spent on the cat. That inherently requires mom to know what you spent. If you don’t want to be reimbursed by your gf or her mom, then you can tell her not to tell her mom anything about what you spend on the cat. Or stop spending anything on the cat and make your gf buy everything.
I agree that neither of you should engage with her on fixing the cat. While I usually agree a pet should be fixed unless you’re a professional breeder, that’s no one’s business but yours and you should just tell her you’re not interested in discussing it.
Your and your girlfriend’s finances are nobody’s business except your own and your banker and tax preparer.