My (38F) husband (37M) and I have two kids who are 9F and 6F. My husband has a habit of planning things and either A) not telling me or B) telling me last minute. This usually happens like one or two weekends a month.
Sometimes I wake up on the weekend and I hear him and the kids already eating, and that’s the day my husband wants to tell me, "Oh we’re going to xyz" Then I have to get myself ready in <30 minutes so then im looking crazy. Sigh. Other times I just go back to bed and enjoy the morning.
So last Saturday, my husband wanted to go to some holiday market in a city nearby, and didn’t tell me until the day before. He then didn’t tell me what time he wanted to leave, which was at like 9 a.m. And we only live 40 minutes away. So I had to make myself look presentable quickly, and then he wanted to be cracking jokes about how my hair looked like a "birds nest" on the car ride there.
When we got back, I told asked him not to do those type of things without more notice, and that started a whole argument.
AITA?
NTA there needs to be more communication about activities and when they’re happening, planning things without even knowing if you want to go and then letting you know at the last possible moment is just disrespectful
Does he expect you to go? Or is it more of your FOMO?
If it was me, I’d let him handle those outings by himself and I’d relax at home in the quiet.
If it was once in a while, sure, but at twice a month it would quickly become “Are you… actively *trying* to exclude me on purpose?”
It sucks to miss out on something you *would have enjoyed and would like to go to* just because the literal children are informed before you are, always 🙁
I don’t think just giving up on being included on family outings is a good option for this frequency.
NTA that’s just common courtesy and him negging you makes him the asshole. You guys have a whole life and you want to know what’s happening when, that’s totally fair
NTA but why are you going?
If he makes plans for the ‘family’ and doesn’t give you reasonable notice then don’t go. Have him take the kids by himself.
Have plans of your own (coffee, read in the park, anything but stay home) and leave the house at a time of your choosing.
If he complains you’re ruining plans, tell him it’s not a plan unless everyone is informed and able to attend. It’s hurtful and disrespectful of your feelings and time for him to continually exclude you from planning and then bully you when you aren’t able to be ‘presentable’ or fully present because of what HE does.
Except then OP is missing out on a family activity. If they want to stay home, great. But what if it’s something they would have chosen to participate in, given adequate notice?
You never tell the kids before the parent. NTA.
I was looking for this comment. I find it weird that there’s no discussion about it between the parents first. Like a “Hey, this sounds fun….” rather than him just telling her what he’s decided they’re doing, sometimes with no notice.
Why are you not a part of the decision-making process? Shouldn’t the conversation be, “What time do WE want to go to the holiday market”, and then come to a decision that you both agree to based on both of your schedules? You just deferring to his whims and preferences seems to set an expectation that your needs and timelines are not important or necessary to consider. That’s… really not good. ESH – him for not treating you like a partner and you for letting him treat you that way.
INFO: when he told you the day before about the Christmas market, did you ASK him what time he was planning to leave, or discuss the plan further at all? Because while he definitely needs to communicate better, it seems like this last one you kinda did to yourself, knowing his history.
NTA
Sounds like he enjoys watching you get flustered and rushing to join in his plans. It’s worth thinking about why he does that.
So my husband won’t plan anything and won’t commit to anything so I plan stuff and put it on the calendar and he can come or not.
So I’m going with ESH. You have a husband who plans things and wants to do fun things as a family and you are complaining. He needs to let you know. I am willing to bet you need to communicate better across the board.
Also you need to tell him you need X notice. Also he told you the day before and you didn’t follow up with what time should we leave. So he tried to you didn’t.
My husband used to do this quite regularly until I told him that it was obvious that he didn’t really want me to go, or he would be giving me more notice. It stopped.
My husband used to do this all the time. He knows it takes me an hour and a half to take a shower, wash and blow dry my hair, do my make up and get dressed. If he told me at 8 we were gonna leave at 9, well, just settle down bud and we can leave around 930.
I figured out telling him did nothing. Showing him I wouldn’t jump when he said jump changed his tune.