I’m F26 and my colleague at work also F26, let’s call her Lily. We’re both invited to a work related conference in different city this weekend. I asked Lily to come with me this year because I get anxious travelling, but also because we’ve become good friends at work.
This conference was over an entire weekend we had a lot of extra time to explore, see the sites. Lily was veryexcited. We had made plans to shop, go to the museum etc I will add that within the months of planning. I developed a crush on Lily. Which added to nervousness. Things felt potentially mutual. However going into the trip I settled my expectations, making sure there was no pressure.
On Friday things were going well. We went shopping, laughing etc. In the evening there was a meal we attended. We were sharing things and getting closer. We talked for hours. Sharing our secrets, experiences, childhood stories, traumas, etc. At this point I established Lilywasn’t in the place for a relationship, which was fine because I felt that a good friendship was forming. I asked her if she would be up for hanging out and continuing to talk outside work after the weekend. Sheagreed.
But Saturday, Lily was quite distant. Within the conference she seemed her usual self. But made comments about us not needing to go to everything together. At one point I joked that we were basically hanging out now. Her response was a cold reminder that we’re not hanging out, we’re on a work trip and we’re just colleagues.
Once the first day of conference was over she said she wanted to be on her own, and said she’d get her own food. Which was od because we had agreed to get food at the hotel on that evening.
I went out in my own through the city. I figured Lily was just tired from the first day of conference. She had expressed that she’s introverted. On Sunday, the conference ended around midday. We’d planned to go to the museum for the afternoon before heading back to the airport. Lily said she’d rather head back to shop more, and that I should go to the museum on my own. Ifelt unwanted. she was clearly indicating that she didn’t want to be around me. At the conference and airport she was still her chatty self, which is confusing.
To note, Lily has ADHD as do I. I also have a lot of trauma around relationships, so when I’d like to be friends with someone and they almost reject me like that it can make me spiral. However I never directed any of that towards Lily. It’s very likely she has no idea of this. I’ve walked away feeling very sad because it feels as if Lily didn’t want to spend any time with me, and actively avoided our plans. I’m really confused by the switch up.
The only thing I can think off is Lily said that she doesn’t like sharing things, and usually regrets it after. Either way I can’t tell if I’m the asshole for expecting Lily to want spend time with me over this weekend. It was ‘just a work event’ I guess so maybe I shouldn’t have expected anything else? So am I the asshole
YTA
Paragraphs are your friends.
NTA. Really no one in the situation is. It very well could be possible she just needed to let her social battery recharge sometimes hence the being chatty and then being distant? Or maybe she caught the vibe you may have had a crush on her and wanted to not hurt your feelings.
NAH but you should understand Lily isn’t interested and caught your romantic vibe. She set a boundary about spending time together outside of professional environments.
Underestimate or understand? Sorry!
Understand 🤪
NTA, though you may want to think a bit about the distinction between colleagues, work-friends, and friends. It reads like you might be confusing these degrees of friendship, and that is resulting in Lilly setting clear boundaries.
“We talked for hours. Sharing our secrets, experiences, childhood stories, traumas, etc. At this point I established Lilywasn’t in the place for a relationship, which was fine because I felt that a good friendship was forming”
What made you establish she wasn’t in the place for a relationship? Something happened here that made her uncomfortable and take a step back to be clear to you she isn’t interested in a relationship and didn’t want to send any signals that can be misinterpreted.
Well without going into specifics. We talked about our sexualities and previous relationships. Which was somewhat related to the conference we were at. She said she ‘Needed to figure out some stuff’ and ‘Happy on her own at the moment’. We talked for a while and this part was quite brief. But it was enough for me to know she wasn’t interested. I didn’t dwell on it nor was it entirely prompted by myself
Did you tell her you are gay?
She knew I was gay before the trip.
Are you absolutely sure? Is she gay?
Maybe she caught that you were interested in her romantically, which you were at least up until a point during the night. Later when she reflected on your conversation she probably decided she didn’t want to give you the wrong impression and lead you on and instead to be very clear with boundaries and stick to your professional roles so theres no misunderstandings. She might have realized she wasn’t sending clear signals before when you were planning the trip and you thought you’d be more than friends.
Also she might just be confused. She did say she needed to figure some things out. Maybe she was a little interested herself but changed her mind. Or wasn’t interested at first but caught feelings and got spooked.
Either way I find it odd you didn’t mention she knew you were gay in your story. Its important and very relevant information. You are not very clear in your communication and you seem centered around your perspective and not much from other people’s perspectives.
Is it possible she met someone at the conference and has been hooking up with them? Therefore she’s changing your plans to see them instead.