I (51F) have been sharing my home with my adult child (25F) since the day we brought her home from the hospital. When she was 21, her partner’s parents threw her out of their house and she moved in with us. Shortly thereafter, I made plans to move out of state and she and her partner had to come with me as they had no where to go. The plan was that they would stay with me for 6 months until they could find jobs and manage their own lives/household. They were there for four years and moved back to our home state about 8 months before I did. My daughter and her partner broke up while they were living together with friends and she could not work full time as she has a host of issues including an autoinflammatory illness, diabetes, ADHD & depression. During this time, I sent her thousands of dollars to keep her afloat financially. When I also moved back to our home state, it was a given that she would move in with me as her roommates were being evicted and she could not afford to live on her own (and she had no other friends to room with and her father is not involved in her life). Since she’s moved in with me, a friend of mine sold her a car at a huge discount, for which she struggles to make payments. I cover her auto insurance. I pay for all expenses in the home, including groceries and food for her animals. She is taking two college classes and works a part time job – about 24 hours a week. She does not contribute to our expenses, does not clean up after herself – I have to tell her multiple times to handle one or two tasks – does not keep her space clean and she does not appropriately care for her pets. She complains incessantly about how tired she is and how she hates her job, etc. It is constant. When I tell her that this arrangement is not working, she gets very upset and has let me know that she cannot offer any more effort than she is currently offering. I work 60 hours a week to manage our expenses, plus I have the same autoimmune issues that she has, but I have two more than she does. I am also exhausted and worn down. She will do small personal tasks if I ask her to, but I don’t ask her to do much as she gives such minimal effort that I usually have to go behind her to finish the job. Multiple times a week she texts asking me for money for food and gas. So not only does she not contribute, she is actively costing me money. I am at my wits end and see no way out of this situation as she has absolutely nowhere to go. I am planning to sit her down tomorrow and tell her that not only will I stop giving her money, but that we are going to divide the tasks in the house and she will be responsible for her share or she will have to figure out other arrangements. Am I the ahole for requiring more of her than she is able to require of herself, given her health issues?
NTA, but… sounds a little like you failed to raise an adult, so you’re stuck with a child
NTA. But it is time for tough love with her. As long as your paying she is going to not put the effort. Do yourself a favor cut the cord. She will end up where when is suppose to end up. She needs the proper motivations to not use her issues as a crutch. You have the same issues. Cut the cord and show the tough love.
NTA for being exhausted but you are the AH for letting this situation drag on for years. Your child is an adult. Tell them to either act as an adult: pay their share of the expenses, buy/cook their own food, clean up after themselves, do their own laundry, etc or move out.
To be blunt, you are being taken advantage of by your roommate. Yes, roommate. She is an adult and you are paying for nearly everything in her life. Why? Because she is related to you? Kick her out. She has friends she can go to. There are homeless shelters and plenty of government agencies that can assist her in finding an apartment.
When will your realize that you are not responsible for her life? When will you cut the umbilical cord and let her go? When will you realize that she is causing you stress and physical pain? When will you realize that she doesn’t care about you as a person and is only there because you give her money?
You do realize that she and her roommates were evicted because she didn’t pay her share of the rent, right? And her boyfriend broke up with her because he was tired of paying for everything, right?
She is a user and you are an enabler. Either evict her ir consign yourself to living like this until the day you die.
If she’s tired all the time and has ADHD maybe she should get tested for sleep apnea (in lab, the at home tests aren’t accurate).
NTA. At the very least, if she’s working 24 hours a week she can afford to contribute to groceries and utilities. And she can clean up after herself.
YTA. First off, you started out by lying to us. You said you’ve been living with her since you brought her home from the hospital then went on to detail all the times she attempted to not live with you, and failed. I couldn’t even read the rest because it sounded like a teenager ranting. You raised her—you tell us why she’s incapable of taking care of herself at 25.
That was the first thing I caught too,
Lived with her for the whole time, but moved out of partners parents and a share house?
Mum’s had a taste of freedom and now has to deal with the consequences of her actions. YTA big time
I think that meant the partner’s parents threw the partner out since OP said the person thrown out had “move in with US.” The only time the daughter seems to have lived away from home was that 8 month span with partner/roommates.
She will always be your daughter but she is no longer your child. She’s an adult.
YTA.
You failed as a parent.
Your job as a parent is to train her to be independent: physically, emotionally, financially.
Other parents can do it.
You can too.
But will you?
NTA, but unfortunately you’ve become her safety net. She doesn’t have to try real hard because her mom will bail her out. You’ve got to stop that immediately and give her an ultimatum. Either she starts paying rent and doing chores, or she’s got 30 days to find a new place.
INFO: What did you do to prepare her to live on her own? What did she do after high school? Did you help her navigate her ADHD? Give her tools on what works for you?
I have a child that has depression, anxiety and ADHD. It took a lot of therapy including intensive outpatient therapy, genetic tests, regular visits to both psychiatrist and therapist, and medications to get them to a good place. They are currently working part time and in school part time. They have a plan mapped out. They are living with us and I can see the effort they are making in getting better. So to me this is the important part–are they trying or are they only complaining? Are they actively seeking to make themselves better? Do they have a plan? If not, I think you need to come up with a plan on when to cut your support, I.e. you need to hit these milestones in 6 months/one year or you’re on your own. Otherwise what is their incentive to get better if they think they would always have you as a safety net? YTA but sometimes you need to be to get help your child become a functioning adult.
NTA for finally making demands of your daughter.
YTA for spoiling her this badly until now.
Parents need to remember that they’re not raising puppies. The kids are *supposed to* become functional adults.