Hi, I (F, 25) had surgery on my abdomen a week ago today. I had to have a catheter fitted, developed a kidney infection, and contracted flu in the past week – safe to say I am not very well! I was just in hospital today when the flu symptoms were affecting my asthma and abdomen wounds.
My partner (M28) has had his work Christmas do scheduled for a few weeks and it’s obviously a bad coincidence it’s fallen on the date when I’m so ill. Obviously I wouldn’t ask him to cancel his plans so I said I’ll see you when you get home, have a great time etc.
I didn’t really hear from my partner until I contacted him – signs of having fun I guess, which is fine! I would have appreciated more concern/check ups, however.
It got to about half 11, and I was starting to get a bit irate, he’d been out for about 6 hours and I wondered what time he was due home. I called him and he was extremely drunk. I know when he is drunk because he repeats himself and doesn’t speak in full sentences. I expected him to be drunk, also absolutely fine, but when I asked him when he planned to be home, him and his friend said they were ‘gonna go to a few more bars’ and ‘they don’t know when they’ll be back’.
I try not to be a princess, but I do really need my partner when I’m not well. Comfort, someone to hug, someone to be there. I started getting grumpy when he said he didn’t know when he’d be home because I felt a little bit forgotten about? Maybe a bit dramatic but it’s how I felt. I’m probably the most ill I’ve been in my life and recovering from surgery so I would have appreciated a sense of at least wanting to be home with me.
We had a back and forth and I hung up and he didn’t make any efforts to call me or text me afterwards. Now I’m just stewing, sweating and can’t sleep.
AITA for being mad?
TLDR; my partner is out on a Christmas night out with his work and best friend whilst I’m very ill and I got annoyed when he told me he didn’t know when he’d be home.
EDIT: I’ve just spoken to my partner on the phone. I felt I was a bit harsh on him especially considering I never really asked him to come home at a specific time or to message me or call me. I shouldn’t just assume when he is busy. I apologised and he apologised too. I think I’d have probably stewed without a lot of your responses so thank you 🙂
YTA, you told him you’d see him when he got home and to have a good time. If you really didn’t want him to go you should have communicated that to him. You can’t tell him to go and then get pissed when he does.
He should have still been considerate to her. She was seriously ill and the assumption is that he is the only help she would have at home. Sure staying out 5ish hours is great but read the room man, he shouldn’t be out indefinitely
Meh. I think a caring, discerning partner does not need to be told to not get wasted and stay out all night when their sick partner who just had surgery a week ago is home alone.
NTA
Christmas parties happen every year. He knew you were ill and didn’t consider you at all. My husband would have gone out for a few hours and came home at a reasonable time. Maybe he’d be a bit tipsy, but we are always one another’s biggest concern. When I had surgery that man slept on a couch for 4 days because I couldn’t lay in our bed. It’s not about comfort, it’s about partnership. I dont know where you go from here, but if he doesn’t see your side when he’s sober then he’d be too selfish for me.
I think it was very considerate of you to tell him to go to his Christmas do while you are feeling so well. However, you should have told him please don’t stay out late I need you here too. That way he can go out and have his fun and still be there for you. At this point, there’s no point in being mad, the drinks have been drunk, the time has passed. It’s important for you to take care of yourself so get some rest, and don’t let this keep you up and hinder your healing. Wait until tomorrow, and I don’t mean in the morning cuz I don’t think he’s going to be any shape to talk to you in the morning. When he is conscious, very gently sit down and tell him that it really hurts you that he didn’t think about what you needed a bit more. That way you’re not holding your anger and him sensing your mad and it’s that ongoing thing. If he gets all been out of shape about you being upset, walk away. Just walk away. It’s not worth the argument and unless you plan on splitting up with him over this, just go with the flow.
Think you said it your self.. ‘maybe a bit dramatic’. You were fine. A bit me me me if I may say.
YTA
You said “I’ll see you when you get home” and now you’re all pissed that he didn’t spend his whole night coddling you via text.
You didn’t communicate that you wanted him back at a certain time, or to be there to coddle you bc you weren’t feeling well and I guess you’re mad he didn’t read your mind and instead had fun like he told you he was going to do.
**Then** you got mad at him for not reading your mind and hung up on him… and got mad *again* that he didn’t try to call or text you **after you hung up on him**.
Be serious and grow up.
This situation has a lot of nuance, and to me it looks like a case of unspoken expectations leading to unmet needs.
When you’re unwell, you naturally want your partner to be present, comforting, and attentive. That’s completely reasonable.
He, on the other hand, clearly got caught up having fun. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but because you’re very sick, you still needed him to check in and show some connection. Since he didn’t meet those (likely unspoken) expectations, you felt forgotten and hurt. That reaction is human and understandable… but it also isn’t exactly his fault if the expectations weren’t communicated.
You’re not an AH for feeling upset. Feelings themselves don’t make anyone an AH.
But if those feelings turn into resentment, guilt-tripping, or withdrawal toward your partner, that would cross into AH territory.
If you told him, “Go have a great time,” then he did what you told him to do. Getting angry afterward, or punishing him emotionally, isn’t fair. If you needed him home, or needed him to limit drinking, check in more, or come back by a certain time; it’s okay to ask for that directly.
Right now, he probably thinks he had your blessing to go out and is confused by the sudden shift in tone. That might be why he didn’t call or text afterward… the call probably made him feel bad and unsure what to do next.
TL;DR:
You’re not an AH for being upset about your needs not being met. But hiding your needs, saying “it’s fine,” and then getting mad when he takes you at your word is unfair. Clear communication would have prevented most of this.
I will say this, though: it’s a soft ESH situation. He also could have made the choice to pace himself a bit, knowing you’re recovering from surgery. Not necessarily stay sober, but at least stay functional enough that if you needed him urgently, he wasn’t so drunk he couldn’t even hold a coherent conversation. That part’s on him.
Take a breath and calm down a bit. You gave him the go ahead. I believe you thought he’d go and then come home as you’ve been sick and in the hospital for a week. You figured he would want to check in on you after being gone for a few hours. I bet if he came home after the initial work party around 11:30 you be fine. He went and is having a good time. Technically he hasn’t done anything wrong as you said go. However you didn’t think your partner would want to get that drunk and be out that long where now they won’t be of any support for you tomorrow either. You didn’t think the person you rely on would do that. You thought he’d want to be there for you or that you would have come home for him. I get why you’re upset. However one other thing to note is you said yourself that you really need your partner when you’re not well and that you need it for comfort and hugs not that you are in need of medical or physical help. That’s important for context as well. Another question, can we assume he has spent the last week caring for you and perhaps needs a break? I get why you’re disappointed, it would have been nice if he came home and cuddled in bed. He is out having fun, as you said to go and have fun. Is he wrong for really going for it opposed to coming home? I think if you know you need support then you should have shared your expectations with him. You should have told him before he went that you expected to have him home at an earlier time
Nah he’s not in the wrong – I think mainly I just needed to vent. I’ve calmed down now and edited the post to say we’ve both apologised 🙂 thank you for your reply!
Also “I try not to be a princess, but I do really need my partner when I’m not well. Comfort, someone to hug”
What do you do when you’re unwell when you’re not in a relationship?
ESH in this case.
He could have been a little more considerate, concerning the circumstances, but it sounds like you had not discussed what going out would look like in this situation. Knowing he’d likely take the opportunity to drink, I would have set up someone to stay with you, so that you wouldn’t be alone if anything happened.
YTA. You contradict yourself so much in your post. Everything he does is “fine,” but you’re still upset by it. You “try not to be a princess,” but you are one. He had social engagement to attend, you got sick. He didn’t cause you to be sick and you were “fine” with him going to his party; then you got mad at him for going to the party and having a good time. If you need someone around you for one night, why didn’t you seek out a friend for a fun night in? If you needed comfort, why not call a family member?
ESH
You cant be mad he didnt read your mind and didnt follow expectations you didnt communicated. And tbh im not sure if youre actually as fine as you say with him going. You should have been more clear in communicating your needs here.
I absolutely get he went to that party. Would’ve done the same. Or staying out late not the issue. But getting plastered when your partner is post op and rather ill is just a dumb idea. There is a higher chance his gf would actually need help with something had it worsend and he’d be to drunk. Have a drink ofcourse but not -that- drunk.