In brief, my husband was aware that I may have trouble re-entering his home country the next time I fly in after visiting my home country and told him how anxious I was about it, he did not believe it would be an issue and even refused to consult a professional on the matter. After the worst case scenario happened (me not being able to re-enter his country where my family also lives for the next 1-2 years), I found myself angry and upset and said some insulting things to him which he has fixated on even a month later and has been a source of resentment for him
EDIT: he did have the option to do something legally that would have allowed me to remain in the country as much as I wanted and I wouldn’t even have had to go on a visit to my home country in that case
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We are legally not married but religiously married and we consider ourselves married between ourselves and amongst family and friends, however the legal marriage is what could have kept us closeby without any headaches and that is what he was showing hesitation in, he did not give me clarification as to why but just kept it as he did not find it to be the right time for it yet which I let go since we had gotten engaged, married, etc at an earlier time than most people
I did consult someone independently although he did not want to follow the advice I was given at the time and something I figured had to be done to prevent anything from happening. The reason I asked him to set up a meeting with a professional is because I would have wanted him to initiate this step in keeping me closeby and let him be comfortable with it in additional to the fact that it costs money to consult with a professional (I found someone to speak to for free) and I do not currently work and rely on him and my family financially, I am in my early 20s
The insults: I can recall telling him he had no backbone and that he was acting as though he should have married a man since he doesn’t understand women emotionally as part of the insults over a series of conversations that happened after the incident.. I’m not proud of this but I feel as though it should have been understood as being said in frustration and not things I really meant especially because of the situation I feel that he put me in although I know it may not be fair to pin the situation on him. But I did feel there wasn’t a lot of care, attention or concern to prevent me from living apart from him and my own family for the next couple of years
Thank you to everyone for their perspective on this I really appreciate the insight
Depends, what did you say? From the limited information I would say NTA, especially for something as serious as being able to enter a country.
YTA. Even if you are right, there is no need to be insulting to your partner. You need to learn to communicate without the unnecessary vitriol.
There are lines you should never cross with your partner. It doesn’t matter how “right” you were.
If what you said was that bad. Then Yes YTA. You can never unsay whatever it was that you said.
Being angry and upset isn’t a valid excuse. You are an adult. You do not get to throw a tantrum and expect everyone to forgive and forget the hideous shit you scream at them
I read your edits. You are still the massive arsehole. You said those things, you meant them. You might regret it now but that doesn’t away what you did.
You could have taken steps to check with a “professional” yourself.
Uh…she now has to live away from home for over a year because he’s an idiot that doesn’t listen. Tantrum totally justified. Also justified: divorce. NTA
You can be upset. You can vent. You never throw it at your partner even if they fucked up. It is such a childish thing to do that only leads to more problems.
It’s never ok to verbally abused your partner. Especially if you want to stay together
Take your Reddit brained response elsewhere please.
Info: What were the things you said? I mean, I’m expecting to side with you but I guess maybe you could have said some pretty terrible things. If you’re talking about the US, it should have been pretty obvious to him that now is a time where extra care is needed.
Why didn’t you consult anyone before you went on your visit? You leather or at your husband over things he had no more control over than you did. How is that fair? Yta
I’m thinking you’re probably not the AH, but this is just way too vague to be sure. INFO: what was the “worst case scenario” (clearly it still leaves you able to make AITA posts) and what were the things that you said?
EDIT: OP made some edits (some marked as such and some not) which sort of cleared things up, but not fully. And also implied that they need to keep things vague for safety reasons. Which I get, but obviously I can’t then give a definitive verdict, so I’m leaving that as “probably not the AH.”
No matter how wrong he was if you want a healthy relationship no amount of insults are appropriate.
Depends. What are ‘some insulting things?’ Specifics matter here.
If it’s ‘I told you this would be a problem, why couldn’t you just look this shit up?’ then NTA.
If you went into personal insults, then probably YTA.
YTA for the insult alone. He doesn’t need to hold resentment, he needs to mail divorce papers.
Being an adult means realising that the things you say can’t be taken back and that they harm people. Sticks and stones … but words can never hurt me – is a bunch of crap. YTA big time. Grow up and learn how to talk to people without being abusive.
NTA. A legal wedding takes no time at all. Have you been having marriage troubles earlier? I ask because I could see him refusing to do so hoping this was the result. You know, make it seem like it was out of his control instead of being a grownup and separating. I don’t think any marriage can survive being apart for 1-2 years when that absolutely did not need to happen and could have been very easily prevented.