I’ll try not to make this too long.
Recently, i saw that my parents were teaching my younger sister how to drive using my car (which is still under my parents’ name so it isn’t completely mine) to prepare her since she isn’t taking driving lessons yet. But they didn’t do the same for me when i asked them to teach me to drive. For more context, we have a bigger car so i couldn’t really drive it well, but my driving instructor said that i could at least do the basic stuff. That we did barely once or twice. Because of this, i had to take a lot of driving lessons which were paid per hour of course and it took me more than a year to get my license. I often got told by my parents that even after driving for so long, i make mistakes i shouldn’t. But the thing is, and they know it too, i did max one or two driving lessons per month and that’s not enough. We could’ve saved a lot of money if i was taught at home too. [EDIT: to clarify – the bigger car was the first car (second hand) and the one i drive is the second one and a smaller one (close to a third hand)]
Not only that, i also got told that my parents waste money on me while i don’t contribute in the household – they said this when i didn’t clean around the house and my younger sister did. This wasn’t the first time – there have been many cases where i often feel like a prototype for learning how to treat a daughter right and then it feels like it’s my fault for the things I do.
Another instance was when once i bought extra clothes because i was planning on throwing away the worn out ones (not throwing away literally but giving them away) and i got told that I’m making my parents spend too much. Since then, I’ve stopped asking for literally anything that isn’t an absolute necessity. Meanwhile my sister bought a couple pair of jeans and pullovers and my parents didn’t say anything because she doesn’t ask for much. Now it’s quite the opposite. I love to read but I’ve stopped making my parents order books for me but they do it either way for my younger sister. I feel guilty to even simply ask them to buy some snacks for me when they go to the grocery store and i feel bad for asking just a pack of cookies.
I’ve tried to get better – I’ve overcame my fear of talking to people and i can interact much better than before, though I still have troubles. It’s because my parents pushed me a lot, saying that they won’t be with me always. Which i agree with, but i can’t hear the same thing constantly when my younger sister gets away with not making her own appointments or talking to people. She’s been trying just recently when our parents gently supported her and all the times I’ve overheard them, they didn’t tell her even once what they told me.
I don’t wanna make this any longer so my question is – am i the asshole for being jealous of my sister? am i the asshole for feeling like i wanna cry when stuff like this happens?
u were the “practice run” kid n now ur sis gets the updated parenting patch… i’d be salty too, like hello?? where was that energy when I needed it?
feels like they judge u harsher cuz they assume u can take it, which is lowkey messed up. being “the strong one” doesn’t mean u don’t need support.
they know I’m really sensitive so maybe they do it so i get used to it. they’ve told me countless times that the world wouldn’t be kind to me and when I’ll have to work, I’ll just have to settle in with the shitty people i might find even if it means letting go of my inner peace because that’s how the world works
I disagree with this logic and have a counter you could give them – “agree the world will always be full of shitty and unkind people. I’ll keep those people at arms length and essential interaction only. When it comes to my inner circle, I have choice on who I surround myself with. When it comes to family, it should go without saying that families are kind to each other and support each other”
you’re right and I’ll try to keep this in mind, thank you so much ☺️
NTA. Based on what you’re describing, seems you have reason to be jealous. However, consider the narrative that follows the jealousy – do you resent your sister OR is it that you wish you had the same.
The jealousy feels like a normal reaction, especially because it seems it’s being triggered by hurt and a desire to be treated similarly.
Either way, it sounds like your hurt runs deep and like it’s affecting your mental health. I definitely think you need to have a conversation with your folks in a non- conflict manner about how you feeling and how you’ve even become nervous to express any needs and requests. Sending hugs
when I read your reply, it clicked that i actually wanted the same treatment. i don’t resent my sister – never did – but it’s just the treatment she gets that makes me feel like i deserved something similar too.
i don’t know how to bring it up with them because it feels utterly useless as they either bring up the fact that they didn’t know any better or the way they were treated by their own parents.
I see both sides. For e.g. the clothes – I couldn’t just decide to throw out things and my parents replace them. That decision on how much I could throw out or be replaced was theirs bc it’s their money. OP has a sense of entitlement and also clearly refuses to see that her sister may be rewarded for helping out at home.
Also, OP clearly has issues. Yes, being the elder (and I am) means they go through stuff with you first. So driving they probably thought that method would work (also they had a bigger car then). Seeing that clearly you are not a skilled driver and having a smaller car, they are teaching your younger sibling. That sounds logical to me. Instead of being bitter why not ask them for some personal lessons now? Make yourself available and go with them – sister can do some driving and you can do some to improve.
I do think there is some validity in OP’s views but I also think OP’s entilted and unreasonable re her experiences as an elder sibling, parents learning from that and doing better with a younger sibling.
ESH
NTA
Your feelings can’t make you an asshole it’s what you do with them. Don’t take it out on your sister, and if your old enough to move out consider doing so. NTA
(Though it doesn’t seem like you are)
i am actually old enough but I’ve yet to start to earn for myself and I’ve been going nuts with finding a job. and no, I’m not taking it out on any of my family members (I’m trying not to) and i just want to process it by myself because it seemed unreasonable to me to feel this way
Life circumstances change over the years. Now your parents own a different/easier car, and kids do need to be sometimes approached differently due to personalities and needs. You don’t need to be comparing so much, I’m sure your parents love you the same and jealousy is common among siblings but don’t fret about the past. Work on you now. Focus on yourself. Try not to let perceived differences in treatment affect your sibling relationship. You are not twins. You didn’t say how many years between you, but things will naturally be different, parents do learn to be better parents with each kid and you are the older one. Try not to hold onto so much resentment. You haven’t written anything that tells me your parents definitively don’t care.
You are not TA for feeling what you feel, but this is your parents’ house. This is your parents’ car. You probably should not be giving away clothes your parents bought you without talking to them. Focus on yourself don’t let your jealousy fester. And things will fall into place as you grow up.
NTA. Parents often favor one child over the other and will never admit it. It sucks but you can get through it. If you are lacking basic needs, find a trusted adult to talk to.