Hi, first time reddit user. I (24 F) and my boyfriend (29 M) have been together for 2 1/2 years. Everything was super easy when we first started dating then all the sudden he stopped wanting to go anywhere besides seeing his friends. We always seem to be on a different page now when it comes to holidays or just going to spend time with family for no reason. For example a few days ago I asked him if he would come to dinner with me and my family tonight and he asked “if I wanted him to or if he had to”. He ended up agreeing to come but now has changed his mind a few hours before dinner. It never fails he does this every time. I had a panic attack on Christmas Eve because he didn’t want to stay at my parents like we have done since we started dating. None of my grandparents have seen him for over a year. My mom has only been around him because I invite her over and when family comes over he hides in our bedroom. He says he has anxiety but I think he doesn’t want to be around my family. He doesn’t see his family that often even though they live 5 minutes away. My family lives 30 minutes away from us and I try to see them once a month. Am I the asshole? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love this man but this is truly exhausting having to beg him to see my family.
EDIT- He doesn’t spend much time with his own family. It’s the same situation there. He will tell them he’s coming then doesn’t show or it’s a hassle to get him there. He claims he’s always been like this. He just recently started taking Bupropion XL. Does anyone have any advice on how to talk to him about getting therapy?
I lived this with my first husband, looking back I should have left him so much sooner! This will be your life, is this how you see your life going forever? It will extend to you and kids if you have them. I would consider it a deal breaker.
NTA at all, but your boyfriend is. He says he has anxiety, but is fine to hang out with his friends. He changes plans on you every time and leaves you hanging. This won’t get any better the longer you’re with him. Seriously reconsider if this is someone if you want to tie the rest of your life to.
Info – Is he also like this around your friends too, or just around your family?
NTA…if you’re not on the same page, it’s time to make a change.
INFO: Has he said why he is doing this? Was there some sort of precipitating event that you can think of? Does he also avoid his own family?
NTA
But you and your BF don’t sound like you’re communicating well. You’ve been together over 2 years, he’s 5 years older than you, hitting 30 and doesn’t want to ever see your family?
That is someone who has checked out of the relationship but is too comfortable to leave.
NTA – go find someone better. Don’t waste time on him.
NAH you want him to want to visit your family. He doesn’t want to. If that doesn’t work for you this relationship may no longer serve your needs. It’s not wrong for you to want your boyfriend there. However it’s clear he doesn’t want to go and is miserable going. He isn’t going to suddenly enjoy it because you want him to. So it’s important you accept the reality of the situation.
NAH. My in-laws are… a lot. They’re nice people, but it’s physically and emotionally exhausting for me to spend time with them. However, I do make the effort since it’s important to my wife. Your boyfriend should make the effort, even if it’s not every time you go, and you should understand that perhaps he doesn’t want to be as social.
Now, if he prevents you from going without him, that’s a different matter and would make this more Not the AH.
Why do you need him to mingle with your family so much that you have an anxiety attack over it? Perhaps start with your own mental issues first. There is no reason you cannot go see your family by yourself. He obviously does not like your family but he is not blocking you from seeing them. If he treats you well otherwise, and he is normal socially with others outside your family, leave him alone.
I guess it depends on whether your family are assholes or not.
What goes on when you two are with your family? Does he get invited to be apart of the goings on or is he somehow excluded or expected to watch but not participate?
Could his lack of interest be a sign that it’s not a fun time for him?
ETA What would he say if you asked *him* these questions?
Just spend time with your family without him.