I (23M) am my mums (56F) carer. She has COPD and arthritis in both of her knees so she cannot walk or do much for long without being in pain or getting breathless, as well as being very overweight. We live together since its convenient for both of us. She told me that she had a pimple on her "parts" that she wanted me to take a look at because she wanted to know how bad it is. I told her that her request would make me uncomfortable, and instead suggested using the selfie option on her smartphone camera to help her get a look if she was struggling. Later that evening, she asked me 3 or 4 times to come look, insisting that she couldn’t look on her own. I once again told her that this would make me uncomfortable, as I believe any child would, regardless the age. Im happy to do a lot of things for her and I have. When she broke her ankle and was bedridden for weeks, i emptied her pot that she was using as a temporary bathroom, helped her dress and undress and even cleaned the wound and changed her bandages for her. I however do have my limits and this is it. I expressed to her that I am sorry for her discomfort but if she was having problems of that sort then she needed to contact a doctor because I wont be looking. She then began to guilt trip me, saying I didnt care and I wasnt sympathetic, and that she was helpless and had no one else, and she kept on and on until I caved. I felt really disgusted that she was lowkey forcing me to do this and had little care for how I felt about it, but I have denied her before and she has given me the silent treatment for weeks until I beg for her forgiveness. Id prefer a few moments of awkwardness and disgust over weeks of a toxic living environment. So I look quickly, tell her it just looks like a normal pimple, not infected or anything like that, and leave. I still feel uncomfortable about it now which I’d hope would pass. I had hoped I could just forget about it and move on today but she asked me again to look down there, but for a different reason. She mentioned to me that shes experiencing pain while peeing that she is unsure whether its a water infection or from when her partner came over and they had intercourse, since he hadn’t cut his nails and she was worried he had scratched her, and she wanted me to check for that. I once again expressed my discomfort, more sternly this time and said that even if I was to look, I doubted I would be able to see anything since the injury would most likely be internal and I refused to look closer. I offered to help her by booking an appointment with the doctors for her or calling the sexual health clinic so she could get a proper examination. She once again started her whole spiel about how I didnt care and sometimes you have to do things that are uncomfortable for the ones you love. I blatantly stated i would not be looking again, and that I’ll instead make an appointment for her to get it looked at, but now shes standoffish. Was I wrong?
NTA. I would never ask my child do do that. And we are a family that is ok with nudity in general. If she is worried she should go to a healthcare professional. I get that that is embarrassing but she is really crossing boundaries here.
NTA. Asking ones child to do that is super, super weird.
NTA- this is highly inappropriate for your mom to ask this of you. If she has a sexual partner they can look at the issue. If she needs further evaluation it should be done by a health professional.
NTA. You said NO. That’s a complete sentence. You should be livid with her.
NTA. OP, you need to move. This is deeply weird, especially considering she has a sexual partner who could look for her?
Im looking into it. My financial situation isnt great but im hoping to soon, although she doesnt know im looking to move yet. I fear how she will react tbh
If you fear how she’ll react that’s even more reason to leave. Your mother is taking advantage of you at best, but honestly, forcing you to look at her genitals? That’s sexual abuse IMHO.
NTA – Why can’t her partner check these things for her? He’s seen that part of her before if they are having intercourse.
You are taking on way too much here. You’re only 23. You should be out living your own life and having relationships ect, not being forced to look up your moms dirty snatch.
WTF I just read…
Nta. This is abusive behavior from her, plain and simple.
As soon as you said “No, I’m not comfortable looking there on you” she should have found other options. She could have asked her partner or taken you up on your offer to take her to a medical appointment. Or done what a lot of people do and used a mirror.
If there’s concern about a possible UTI or injury that should absolutely be a medical check up, not trying to manipulate her child into looking and touching parts of her that makes you uncomfortable to do so.
And it sounds like you don’t have any medical training so even if you WERE comfortable with this, it wouldn’t be the best course of action anyway cause you wouldn’t know what you are looking at/for and couldn’t prescribe anything if needed.
NTA- As someone who worked as a caretaker when I was 16, there is a lot of shit that needs to be dealt with (literally). Like you mentioned, you’ve handled wounds and excrement, and I’m sure much more. You know what’s normal and necessary to care for someone with her disabilities, and I hope you trust that you know when something feels wrong and inappropriate. It’s a gut feeling I wish I learned earlier.
NTA, your mom is not respecting your boundaries. Her manipulative behavior and silent treatment is not ok. You giving in only for her to ask you to look again is hella sketch. There’s no reason why she can’t ask her partner. I hope you’re making an exit plan, good luck.
Oh hell no. This is so creepy and weird. I would just suck up the silent treatment she gives you after you say no. Tell her she is being creepy and inappropriate and you refuse to participate. Then stick to it.