For some context, I (18M) and my dad (61M) have had somewhat of a strained relationship for the past few years. To not get into too much detail, my sister (21F) and I recently discovered he’s been serially cheating on my mom (54F) since 2021, and it was a pivotal factor in my parents’ divorce back in November. In spite of this, he’s taken no accountability for any wrong doing in their separation.
As you can imagine, even in the earliest of Christmases, my father has never been much of a participant. He rarely buys gifts beyond last minute pick ups, and we usually have to drag him downstairs to start gift giving, before he takes a step out after a few unboxings. This year, however, was different—it was the first Christmas with my parents separated (not on paper, but in their relationship). Like all other years, he didn’t do any direct shopping for my sister or I, which we’ve come to expect. He does, however, financially contribute to our livelihoods, which I can respect. Everything in our house is paid off with multiple properties, and we live pretty comfortably. I feel as if his compassion towards us has been compromised for what we have financially, however.
Anyway, flash forward to Christmas Eve. My sister, who has always been significantly more forgiving towards my dad, came downstairs giddy. I, of course, got excited, and asked her what had happened. She excitedly tells me that our dad, for Christmas, covered all of her non-travel/lodging expenses during her trip to Italy with her boyfriend this summer, which totaled to \~$750. This includes all of her meals, shopping, and leisurely activities she did on vacation, all of which were covered on my dad’s card (originally to be paid back) to avoid foreign transaction fees. Soon after her follows my dad, who announces with some snark that my gift will be the $800 tire repair that has to be done on my car.
For some additional context, I only started driving in September of 2024, and I’ve been (contently) using my fifteen-year-old childhood car to get around. I’ve had a clean record and never crashed once. My sister, on the other hand, has gotten into two minor accidents in her newly purchased car, both of which totaled to significantly higher prices (and were both covered by my parents) than the $800 tire repair that occurred from the car’s age. I’m also looking to get a job, but have been advised by my family to wait until the end of my first college semester.
Upon hearing his quip, I, probably with a bit of entitled edge, softly complained that it wasn’t my fault that I’d needed tire repairs and that it wasn’t a real gift. I was instantly met with perplexed reactions from both my dad and my sister, who doubled down that it was an incredible gift and that I was being ungrateful for what he was doing for me. I didn’t push back, and conceded my stance, but I felt a little upset that they weren’t able to see my point. However, $800 is a lot, shitty father or not. So, AITA for my reaction?
Saving a person without a job $800 on a repair bill IS a gift. It’s not flashy but how were you paying for new tires?
Gratitude for taking care of your needs should be greater than gratitude for taking care of your wants.
YTA
NTA though. Maybe in general or overall during your life gratitude for meeting the needs instead of the wants makes sense. But for a Christmas present when your sister got all the fun part of a trip paid off, no one would be happy with replacing some old tires on an old car. Can’t you see that?
The feeling of being treated unfairly or simply not being happy about “oh hey, new tires” is totally reasonable. But if you have $800 that you were going to spend on tires, spend it now on things you want and every time you get yourself a book, a nice meal, a t-shirt or whatever say “Thanks for the gift, Dad” in your head.
Maintain a car is quite expensive. Changing the tires are really expensive nowadays. Him helping you out a bit with this is quite a gift. You don’t work either so I don’t understand your annoyance. For the info I have, YTA
YTA. If it bothers you that much, say “No thank you” and give it back!
The ungrateful entitlement is strong with you. Had my 18 year old child given that reaction, I would’ve withdrawn the gift and replaced it with a $50 gift card for google or apple (Whichever one you do not have). Replacing all the tyres on your car with decent replacements which keeps you on the road at no expense to yourself is a great gift and one which he didn’t need to give. $800 christmas gift yet you pout about it?
YTA. You need to grow up, realise that you’re not owed anything and kick that entitled attitude of yours to the curb. Without those tyres and no job you would soon be unable to drive your car or you would need to find the money to replace them yourself. Thank your father for the generosity and get on with life.
YTA. When someone gives you a gift, you say thank you. Even if you think it’s a shitty gift.
My wife just got me a bottle of hair regrowth shampoo for Christmas. Shitty gift. I have not mentioned it.
I get that you have a very imperfect father, but you’re at least lucky at age 18 to have a parent giving you $800 for Christmas. A lot of the posts on this sub and /r/legaladvice are from 18 year olds whose parents are stealing from their bank accounts, taking out credit cards and student loans in their names without their knowledge, etc.
It’s $800 you don’t have to shell out for tires. That’s a gift! YTA.
You’re allowed to be annoyed. No one can stop you from feeling what you’re feeling.
But also, 800$ for tire repairs that you don’t have to pay for is a win. Upkeep needs to be done on cars whether an accident occurs or not. Upkeep being paid for where you don’t have to, is actually very helpful and nice.
Is it possible that you’re getting upset by comparing it to her car accidents?
Do they pay for her car upkeep and maintenance too without it being a gift? If so, then you should talk to your father about that and explain why you feel the way you do. You can also talk to him about whether they would help you out in an accident to by paying for accident costs.
I’d say only a shitty father if your sisters car maintenance and upkeep is also paid via him without it being a gift.
eta : Turns out parents pay for car upkeep for sister, too. Which makes dad the ass and OP NTA.
NTA. Everyone else seems to be missing that the sister’s more expensive at-fault repairs were covered by the parents in addition to being gifted a holiday.
Sure you’re very very privileged, but there is a double standard there.
yes, YTA
Reeks of entitlement. YTA
NTA. From what you’ve been describing, these are expenses that would probably have been covered anyway as part of the car maintenance (and because as you said, it’s not your fault that the tires need to be changed).
It feels like there was no effort whatsoever on your father’s end to try and find a gift and he just went “Oh let me see what outstanding expenses/debts they have and I’ll cancel them”. Your sister got lucky that hers was for a a holiday, but you’re definitely “losing” from this.
NTA, and I don’t understand the YTA responses. First of all, just the optics of this “gift” are awful. If he cared, he could get a small gift and also offer to pay for the tires. But instead, he’s like “you think you’re getting a gift? Lol, take the tires and like it.” It’s clear the gift is not meant to be thoughtful.
Second, if OP is to be believed, sister got in multiple accents costing thousands of dollars, and she still gets $800+ on a vacation gift. So why didn’t dad say “you can pay me back the $800 since I had to pay your accident costs?” It’s clearly unfair.
Finally, do people on Reddit even like their kids? I cannot imagine my kid turning EIGHTEEN (not 40, but 18), and treating necessary purchases like I’m doing them a favor or giving a gift. If I get my kids a car, I probably expect to pay upkeep – unless as a requirement they have to work. But if I understand they don’t work, how would I expect them to pay for something like tires? What should OP do – wait for a blowout and leave the car by the side of the road?
Sure, you could say OP is 18 so dad could kick him out and refuse to fund anything, which I guess people would prefer for some reason. But sister is getting her life funded, so why is OP suddenly a leech for needing car repairs?
I like my kids. I want them to be happy. I can’t imagine telling them “oh, your old childhood laptop broke. Don’t expect any presents for holidays or birthdays until I justify the value of replacing it.” It’s just weird to me.
You are an asshole. Go work part time at a retail store so you can understand how hard it is to earn money.